Eric, my love...

It's been so long since I've written to you. And, what lovely timing I have now... I've got a cake waiting for me to make room for it in the frig and I have to get you up in a little while, but... I started it anyway.

There are just so many things going on and in my head and in my heart, that I don't think the best of it gets out often enough. The amazing things I feel and think about you are so much a part of me that I take for granted the opportunities I have every day to make them known.

So, I'm putting "The Heart of Chicago 1967-1997" in the CD player with the headphones on, maybe getting a shot or two of Tequila Rose and I'm just gonna see where it takes me. It'll be a wonderful trip, no matter how much I cry, because it'll be about you.

Jesus. "You're the Inspiration" is the first song on here and it's already making it hard for me to breath. Or swallow. Annnd, here go my eyes... *deeep breath*

This CD is so powerful. It's taking me to so many places at once... the parlor at Wellacrest, nights spent along the Delaware River sitting in the back of your truck up on the top level of the dike seeing the lights over there and singing to this very CD, our first apartment.... it also reminds me of every single time I've realized, all over again, the absolute reality of you.

You know what I mean... those times when it just hits ya all over again that it's me and you, living here, doing this together... and that feeling that almost drops me to my knees. Heart pounds, breathless... awed by the intensity... the rush... heart, mind and soul just swept away... up and away...

Seeing that in your eyes when you look at me is why, I finally understand, God put me here and has kept me here while I've lost so many others. And, it's more than 'worth it'... I'd do every single day of my life all over again as long as I'd end up with you. The only thing I'd wish to change is that it took so long for us to find each other. Especially considering the fact that we were in so many of the same places so many times... just not at the same time, damn it... lol. I just wish I could have spent every single day of my life with you. You've got the rest, but the ones I had without you seem (and were, really) wasted. All I was doing was existing. Existing in the world my heart and 70's love songs created. All I wanted was what they were about. Had people for years telling me to give it up, that it was all just so much bullshit, designed to sell records.

They were wrong.

I always knew it and you prove it every single day. God damn I wish I could really articulate the actual feelings you bring to life in me. Oh my God, Eric... "The Only One" just came on. I'm back at Wellacrest. In the back of the parlor. It's a warm night and smells so good. I hear the 7000 shutting off and here you come up the exit alley, blonde, tall, gorgeous, smiling a mile wide and lookin' at me....

The Only One

What's been goin' on
I've been tryin' to get through to you
Has it really been that long?
I've been thinkin' about you baby
And the way it used to be
There's so many things I want to say
But will the words come out all wrong?
After all that's said and done
You're still the only one

You're the only one for me
I'm the only one for you
Baby can't you see
You're still the only one
Each and every night I pray
Hopin' there'll come a day
Baby you believe
You're still the only one

Got to find a way
To get back inside your heart again
If I let you walk away
I'd be dyin' without you baby
So I'll just keep holdin' on
Don't you know that we were meant to be
But then I knew it all along
After all that we've been through
You're still the only one

You're the only one for me
I'm the only one for you
Baby can't you see
You're still the only one
Each and every night I pray
Hopin' there'll come a day
Baby you believe
You're still the only one

And the fire of our love
Keeps me runnin' back to you
And no matter where you are
I will never be that far away

You're the only one for me
I'm the only one for you
Baby can't you see
You're still the only one
Each and every night I pray
Hopin' there'll come a day
Baby you believe
You're still the only one
Ain't no need to wonder why
I'll love you 'till the day I die
Baby I believe
You're still the only one

You're the only one
You're the only one
You're the only one for me sweet baby

You're the only one
You're the only one
You're the only one for me sweet darlin'

(repeat)

When times are rough and hard
With you is where I want to be, yeah

When I am down and out, oh yeah
With you is where I'll be
Oh yeah

Yeah yeah baby
The only one for me
Me
Me, yeah

I'm playing it a second time.... My heart is laying right here on this desk next to the keyboard, too, beating in time to this song so strongly. Pounded itself right out of my chest first time this played.

Jesus, man. I feel everything all over again, brand new, like it's still the very first few days... that completely numb "can this really be me this is happening to?" feeling. The lightening bolts in my stomach when I picture your sweet, absolutely beautiful face and see the gift in your eyes.

Just looking at you while you sleep sometimes blows my mind. I really see you, long hair sprawled around that face so innocent and sweet in it's peace, strong, well defined chest, great arms to be held in, that (STILL) flat stomach, the 'guys', the gorgeous thighs, nice legs, cute feets... Dude. You still amaze me in way more ways than one.

Just that it's YOU... I still have a hard time completely believing that sometimes.

Okay, Chicago just did a song that describes pretty accurately, my life before you...

Here In My Heart

I keep on thinkin'
I should be free
This time just leave it alone

With seventeen reasons
Not to believe
Nothin' goes everybody knows like you always want it to be

But here in my heart
There's a dream that's unbroken
And it gets in my way
But it won't be denied

But here in my heart
The door is still open
Waiting for you
To walk in to my life

What I've been feelin'
I can't explain
Lost in the blue of your eyes

And I'm fallin' so hard
Just like the rain
There comes a time when you cross a line and you've got to believe

'Cause here in my heart
There's a dream that's unbroken
And it gets in my way
But it won't be denied

And here in my heart
The door is still open
Waiting for you
To walk in to my life

I know
I may never sleep again
Till I see you
Oh baby I know

I know
Life is too short and I can't pretend
It's not about you
Can't do without you

But here in my heart
There's a dream that's unbroken
And it gets in my way
But it won't be denied

Here in my heart
The door is still open
Waiting for you
To walk in to my life

There's a dream that's unbroken
It gets in my way
But it won't be denied

Here in my heart
The door is still open
Waiting for you
To walk in to my life

That was then. THIS is now.

Just You N Me

You are my love and my life
And you are my inspiration
Just you n me
Simple and free
Baby you're everything I've ever dreamed of
Yeah, yeah

Give me your own special smile
Promise you'll never leave me
Just you n me
Simple and free
Life is so easy
When you're beside me
Oh Babe.

Come hold me close
Never release me
Oh baby don't release me
Open your arms, let my love in
Let me in, let me in, let me in
Love me tonight, love me forever
And ever
You know I can't forget you

Just you n me to carry on
Simple and free my lovely
To flow as one as love's reward
Lovin' you Rick is so damn easy

Yeah, yeah

You are my love and my life
You are my inspiration
Just you n me
Simple and free
Baby you're everything I've ever dreamed of

Yes, everything I've ever dreamed of, asked God for, wished on a star for.... You're everything I've always believed in.
You are the home my heart survived for, lives in, thrives with.

Will You Still Love Me

Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more

Chorus:
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

Take me as I am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
'Cause I am just a woman who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
Till there was you
You and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly
How close to you that I wanna be

Chorus

Bridge:
Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know

CHORUS

You're all that I ever want to know, too.

I love you so very much, Eric. I'm more sorry than I can say that I let that get so bogged down in other shit, sometimes. But I just want you to remember, know, believe, understand that it's always there, always real. So much a part of me and who I am now that it gets taken for granted by me.

I don't ever want to do or say things that hurt you, but I'm scared I do and you just don't say anything. Even if I don't do that, I know I don't do this enough... telling you, or trying to, how much I love you and how very much you and your love mean to me. I doubt it's even possible... there are no words, no way to translate this love we share into mere words. Still, Chicago comes close and ya just KNOW I'm gonna keep trying, so....

In the meantime, you're probably already gonna wanna scream when you see how long this is and I have to get you up in about 15 minutes anyway. Shortly after that, I hafta start the "feeding the ranch hands" breakfast I always like to do. Got potatoes to get cooking, scrapple to start reeeeal slow (yeah, I hear ya callin' it "crapple", but the rest of us NORMAL people like it so just hush), then there'll be ham and bacon, eggs, pancakes, maybe even French toast, altho I'd like it alot if we could come up with another name for THAT, thankyouverymuch.

There's a cake in the frig and I forgot to tell you I got corn on the cob the other day (it's in the crisper drawer with the lettuce) and I got you your pork rind things (icky-pee-you). They're in the cabinet.

If I get the hell offa here and all goes according to plan, there should also be Tollhouse cookies around here, somewhere, too.

I love you Baby.
I love us and I love our life together.
I always will.
Ask me somethin' hard...

And then some,
me

Posted by: Stevie at 04:48 AM

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Posted by: yours always forever at May 23, 2004 02:10 PM (YXR4e)

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