Ow, my ass....

Balls, too, for that matter, cause I just got THEM busted and my ass handed to me, albeit as gently as a Ming vase, I must admit... lol.
The other day whilst bopping around the net, I stumbled upon a blog where the last post from a coupla days ago had, at last count, 80-some comments about whether the blog-author is male or female.
Well, goofball me... I got all 'wordy' over one guys comment about the author seeming to be 'too frank for a lady' and... disagreed, let's say, in a long-winded fashion, then turned around and did just about (okay EXACTLY-shut UP) the same thing here when I mentioned something about "quickly for a GUY".
Well.
*snort*

This morning I got a edumacation, thanks to that particular commenter which just HAS to be unfurled here, just like it is every time I'm RIGHT, which IS more often than not, is it not? (Watch it, Ricky-poo... lol)

Anyhoo... here it is. We start, of course, with kidvegas' comment under "Whoa...shit...it worked". Nothing has been changed, nothing edited, nothing 'fixed' to make me look good or any of that shit. You'll see. I start out fulla optimism and explanations and slowly realize that I'm fulla shit sometimes... this time especially.

God help my ass.

Here we go.

Name: kidvegas
URL: http://pontiuspilatehasacrew,blogspot.com
Comments:
wow, you really burned my ass on HAC. I'm really not a sexist, I think that all people should be treated equally. I don't think that all people are the same.
I don't think that women can't be frank, as matter of fact, my best female friend is such because she is a refreshingly forthright person. But in general, I find women to be less straightforward than men. Of course I've spent my whole life in New England, which could certainly have an atypically high number of guileful women(does seem to have a reputation for that, especially here in Taxachusetts).
By the way, I enjoyed your story about clearing the drain pipe. I noticed you made a comment about your friend Andy responding quickly 'for A GUY'. Now are you saying that all men are slow and unresponsive? I don't think so, I think your probably just pointing out a tendency you've noticed in the men around you. I'm not going to throw it in you face(too much) that you are basically doing the same exact thing you flamed my ass for...

Ow.

And, here is me in reply, ending up in flames of my own fanning...
(My lighter, too. I know. Shut UP.)

lol... and Hi to you, too...
Gawd, I don't even know where to start, here.
(*sits, thinking for a few*)
Okay... yes I do.

I like you...lol. That you came back like this and said "Yo, Dudette.... etc...." is pretty cool. Plus, you're funny... you made me laugh with your comment.
"Taxachusetts", among other things... (like bustin' my balls there at the end... lmao still... Yer good.)
You really are kinda cool. *grin*
Now... believe it or not, I am a total man-fan. Women make me as insane as they do men, for the most part. I detest femi-nazi's and women who bash men just for fun. (Or at all...unless said guy really does deserve it.)

(Okay... get off the floor and back into your chair... I'll wait for ya...)

HOWEVER... for as much as I love guys and defend them (or help them defend themselves) every chance I get, I still do notice times when a guy needs to be (lightly) bopped across the head, 'cause he just said something witheringly dopey... One of those kinda things that make my shoulders drop when I hear it, all the wind goes outta my lungs and I just hafta turn and look at said guy like, "Nice going, when I'm trying to show we ain't boneheads ovah here... hush the hell up, please, if THAT'S the best thing you can come up with, okay?... Gawd... Just stick with yellin' "YEAH, damn it!!" every so often, howsabout?"

It's like... I love men, but sometimes... I swear... the things they say. Siiiigh.
(I gave up on trying to hear (most) women sound intelligent YEARS ago....)
And that 'frank for a lady' thing... well... If you've read my site, you know that 'frank' and I are best buds, right?

But, I do have to admit, it did occur to me that you said "for a lady", which, female-ness notwithstanding, I ain't, so I coulda just let it go. (But, big-mouthed me... can't do that.)

In otherwords, I'm not the most lady-like, delicate little creature/puffball you're ever gonna find. (I think that actually bugged me too. Like "Oh great... even more proof I oughta be a guy. There's such a thing as too 'frank' to be a female? What the hell? I really am screwed."... lmao.)

Ya know... there really oughta be a third catagory/sex... as in: I'm not really a guy, because I don't have a wank. I'm not really a female because I don't ACT like a wank. I'm just this... this... thing who loves men, dismisses most women and wants NOT to be 'penalized' just because I have to sit when I pee... like THEY do. (Which is about the biggest thing I have in common with women, in general. Not to mention, it's one of the most blatant differences between the sexes. Don't even let me get started on that whole "I wish I had my own winkie" thing.)

I go outta my way to not be a 'typical' woman. (I'm also not a redhead OR a Yankee, but that's another story.) I don't play head games with men, I don't lie to 'em, use 'em and have never tried to 'trap' one by getting pregnant... in fact, I've never had a kid at all (who wasn't four-legged and furry..i.e: an animal of some sort.)

I hate the crap women do to men. In nearly every instance of any kind of... disagreement or what have you, between a man and a women, I automatically side with the guy, until he proves I shouldn't. (Like, by being as bad as the 'she-person' said he was. But, Lord, is THAT rare.)

(Ed. note: I just walked away from this for a few minutes, came back and re-read what I've written. Gawd. It is sooo tangled up and twisted, my
thoughts/feelings about this shit. I have realized (and thank you very much for making me do that) that the issue here seems more to be my 'issues' with being a (stupid, 'cooty-fied', icky) female (by association) than what you said, really. It was just that 'frank for a female' part...lol)

Okay... back to the point, if indeed, I do have one (besides the one on top of my head...).
About that "for a female/for a GUY" thing... You are correct, I did do the same damned thing and I take your pointing out of that fact as very cool. I respect that. I suppose it may have helped if I had been more 'clear' (as in FRANK... lol) about Andy being dead, which WAS the whole point, that a dead guy responded quicker to the 'ecological situation' than did any number of the live guys around here.

So, it should have read "... far a DEAD GUY, especially..." Even that, the 'for a guy' thing I said, was more supposed to be a pointed 'noogie' at my Sweetie (both for not doing it when I first saw it needed to be done AND for not coming to see how it was going) and not 'men' as a whole. My bad for not making that clearer. (Yes, yes... being more "frank"... shaddap.)

Hell, don't most guys love doing that kinda shit, anyway? Acting like a cowboy? Roping shit? Helping nature? Fixing stuff? Ya know?
Well... ya see who hadda do it.... lmao.

You wanna honestly know what I thought of when I read your "frank for a lady" thing? The Omega guys. In "Animal House"... How prim and proper (gag!) they like women to act, how 'upstanding' and proper the guys try to act? Ick.
I'm a Delta, through and through.

I am also, it seems, a person who has major issues with the fact that I was 'stuck' being female... (no shit, really?)

It really freaks me out that I've spent my whole life learning (starting with my mother) that, basically... women suck and here I am DEFENDING THEM, fer Christ's sake. Since I started blogging, I've found quite a few people of the female persausion who are actually kinda nice. Neat. Cool. Even... *gulp* ... sweet. It's weird. There are even one or two on my blogroll who bring out this side of me I never knew existed. The side of me that wants to take these women "under my wing" as it were, and PROTECT them from less-than-upstanding MEN they're being mind-fucked by. (Excuse that language, please. It's absolutely the best way to put that...)

When I first 'met' Amy and Snowball and read what they were going through, I got all puffed-up and pissed at the men who were (and still are, dang it) making them miserable.
And...
I STILL have a look on my face like a dog hearin' a high note (quizzical, ears cocked, like "What the hell...?) over that phenomenon.

Lord knows, I have all kindsa faith in the idea that HAC doesn't need me to defend her. She takes care of herself very well... but... I am friggin' GOOFY sometimes.

Truth be told, I didn't even know I was gonna write all that, til I did. It was almost like I was channelling some dead feminist or something. Weird.
It just... flowed.

I read about the 'controversy' at Wizbang. I just popped in to see what the hell he was talking about, totally disregarded the main thrust of what was going on over there and for some reason, homed in on that one phrase, like a...a...I wanna say 'moth to a flame' or 'metal fragment to a magnet' or maybe 'bloodclot to a vital organ', but no... none of those are right. It was like a *sob* bitchy female to a(nother) poor, sweet guy. AAGGHHH!!! (Kill me now, please...)

Shit, man. I don't know how to get this all out and make any sense at all. (Obviously.) (lol)

(Okay... let's re-read this one. more. time. and just make sure this dude's NOT gonna feel compelled to call the guys with the white jackets and nets, m'kay?
brb...)

Back...
Jesus.

There's an episode of "That Girl" (yes, the show from the 60's) where Ann needs to get her purse out of her parents locked up house. They aren't home, she doesn't know when they'll be back and she needs her purse. So...she tries climbing a ladder to her 'former bedroom window'. The ladder falls apart, she ends up in a tree and sends Donald to the volunteer FD around the corner for a new ladder so she can get down. As Donald starts to leave, he turns back, looks
at Ann in the tree and asks, "Ann?"
"Yes, Donald?"
"Ann, if I leave here, never to return, would you understand?"
She laughs, "Yes, Donald."
Well... that's about where I am with this right now.
If you left, never to return, I wouldn't blame you a bit. Hell, I even wanna leave, never to return at this point. Just understand one thing... It's ME I wanna walk away from, not you, Dude. I'm having one of those 'get on my own nerves' moments with this shit, now.
And, if I can't understand it, how'm I gonna explain it to you? Sigh.

Fuck it. I guess ya just 'got me', there. You said "for a lady" and I yelled "FOUL!!!" and then did the same thing, in reverse, albeit not as clearly as I shoulda.
Okay.
Shit.
(lmao...)
Guess it's a good thing I like the taste of my Harley harness boots, huh?
GRRRR.
Let me take one more swing at this...

Okay. I was born a female. That's the first problem. Women are fuckin' fried, mentally, for the most part and I don't like being 'fried' by association.
(Meaning I've paid for more 'other chick's shit' with guys, than I have my own. If I had a dollar for every guy I tried to love who was just not havin' it thanks to the chick who mind-fucked him just before I showed up, I'd be independently wealthy.)

Therefore, I turned to cultivating the guy-ness in me more than I ever have the foo-foo female shit, like headgames, cosmetics and getting a lot for as little as possible, like it seems most women do. I LIKE the guy-ness about me. I like it that I do the same shit guys do; i.e. riding mechanical bulls, working on cars,
heavy-duty jobs, driving like a lead-footed moron... shit like that. (Ah, ah... remember now, I'm describing ME, not men specifically, in that example...)
So... somehow, that 'frank for a lady' thing hit me wrong about 27 ways from Sunday, none of which seem to be valid anymore in the light of my own 'sexist
shit'... lol.
Thanks, Dude.

Bite me, okay?
(I am sooo only kidding. Like I said before... Yer good.)

I love this. I haven't laughed so hard at myself in ages.
Haven't learned so much so friggin' quick for ages, either.
Wow.

God, I like you. You just handed me that rope, watched me, ever so nimbly, form a noose and... gak!
I have to respect that. (You shit... lol.) Damn.

Okay, enough chewing on my shoe... ptooie! I just spit it out, and now I'm gonna go 'public' with admitting defeat, here.
Lord knows I mention it every. single. time. (and there are MANY) that I'm right, may as well have the cajones to spill it when I'm righteously busted being
WRONG, too, so I'mina post this whole deal.

In advance, let me say, for Eric, my ever-lovin' Sweetie... "DUDE!!! YOU DID IT!!! YOU GOT HER ASS!!! May God bless and keep you. Amen, Brother.
*whispers* Um, can ya tell me how ya did that, please?"

You, kidvegas, ARE pretty farkin' cool and I hope I see ya 'round more often... (ya lil shit, you... *grin*)

Really, thank you again... Among other things, this was the most fun I've had getting my nads whapped ever, I think.

Hypocritically yours,
Stevie

(I still can't quit giggling...)
(End of email... 'send' was clicked upon, too...)

So, there ya go. Me in flames of my own doing. Now, before I forget, I DID correct spelling once in there and fixed some puncuation and had to add a space or two between words, but, other than that.. .this is how it played out.

And, THIS ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm always the FIRST to admit that I am SUCH an osteo-cranium, sometimes. Blonde, largish-boobs... you know.
(Is it still being 'sexist' if yer pickin' on your own sex and more to the point... yer own SELF? Cause, if it is, paint my ass guilty AGAIN for that previous statement/excuse/reason I just used for my dopiness. I'm cool widdat.)

Okay. I'm going outside now. It's getting stuffy in here, what with all this verbosity that ultimately led to nowhere in here.
All these poor words, wasted, lying here in various stages of embarrassed death. I'm so ashamed.... I have perpetrated Capital Murder upon the meaning of words today.
I must go atone for such grievousness. Maybe I should be made to spend the rest of my life communicating only through Charades, or something. I dunno.

Yes, maybe I is a dork. But, does it count for nothing that I am at least the bestest dork I can be?
Sheesh.

Be back later... I think.
(lmao STILL)

Peace, y'all.
(And, either a *hug* or *a punch on the shoulder* for kidvegas, my 'cohort' in this mess. Whichever ya want, kid...)

*Bows and runs off stage left, ducking*

Posted by: Stevie at 06:04 PM

Comments

Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 24, 2004 08:34 PM (8CeEp)

Posted by: Stevie at April 25, 2004 01:06 PM (GZv29)

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