This is gonna be another one...
of those posts that may or may not get posted.
I'll hafta take a shot at it and see if what I wanna say comes out right.
I think. What this is is veeeeeery long. And, unless you're one of the group o fpeople it starts out directed to or the one person it ends up being directed to, you may find it rather longer-winded than usual and sort of boring, maybe.
I don't know... What it also is is the purging of six months or more of keeping my mouth shut. Also, it seems to kind of seg from one topic to the next without much rhyme or reason, unless you've read the post that prompted it and that it "follows" or answers, in a manner of speaking. So, if ya wanna skip this one, I understand completely and if my longer posts are bad enough in and of themselves, this one may cause my more casual readers to do themselves bodily harm before it's over. That said, if you DO wanna read it and then tell me where or if I went wrong, or said something not-well-enough, or whatever, feel free.
Though that may be hard to do because I've not discussed some of it here for a looong time and some other of it not at all. Still, I always welcome other perspectives... Anyway, I have to now risk my ass driving to Wally-world.
Each of us wants something from there. Jr- ammo for his pellet whatever.
Sr- a DVD of some goofy movie they all watched on TV last night.
Me- a new DECENT keyboard.
George- who knows? I'm sure he'll think of something. Then I still need to clean this house and possibly move to an undisclosed location IF this is taken entirely the wrong way by this one person.
(Which, hopefully it won't be anyway, and especially not after the email I'm about to send to that person...) So, on that note, I'm outta here. Peace (please)
First off, in case anybody over there is wondering... no, I'm not "anonymous".
Just like my Blog-Faddah, if I have something to say, you'll know it's me.
I don't play that "big talk from behind the shield of anonymity" crap.
My personal belief is that, if you feel strongly enough to want to voice an opinion and have it matter even one bit, you need to be ready to own it, stand behind it, and defend it, if need be.
If they don't believe enough in their own words to put their name to what they say, how much weight could I possibly give them?
(And... how much should ANY of you?)
Certainly not more than the author of said words did, right?
Right. So, basically, if "anonymous" comments bother you, either ask the blog owner to disable them, don't read them, or/and, at the very least, no matter whatever else you do, CERTAINLY don't respond to them, fer Christ sakes- that only encourages more of the same.
Ever hear the axiom "Don't feed the trolls"?
Well, add to that, "If you aren't part of the solution, you're obviously part of the PROBLEM" and stop it.
Stop giving weak-minded people who don't even believe in what they're saying the "power" to redirect attention away from what the blog owner was talking about and onto themselves. Same goes for blatantly fake names. Truly, the only people you should ever "be aghast" at in somebody's comments are the few people you'd expect better from.
People who claim to be the blog owners friends, for instance, who then turn around and continually say and do stupid shit to them. Those aren't friends... those are trolls, by definition.
You give trolls what they want and they ARE gonna come back for more. If you've so much as ever even HEARD of Gut Rumbles, you know that to be a fact, don'tcha?
'Course you do. Hell, even I learned that much.
And, hell YES, I still spoke my mind in Rob's comments.
But, after about the second time I, along with most everybody else, got swept into a flame-war with one of Rob's many trolls and he expressly asked us to not do that anymore, I stopped.
Trolls really aren't worth my time, they weren't worth one single precious second of Rob's, and they ain't worth a minute of yours, either. After that, the only people I bothered to... what? What'd I do to them? One guy said, in advising somebody else not to fuck with Rob, that I'd left him "Bloody but Wiser". Other people called what I did ass-kissing. Some called it groupie-ing. Then there was that "cunt" phrase... whatever.
What I did, I did to people I, for some insane reason, expected better from, for the most part. jb was an exception to that rule.
He was, without a doubt, thee most long-winded, repetitive, boring, argumentitive dickhead I saw over there.
AND, he claimed to be "friends" with Rob longer than any of the ones who were there at the end (that I was pissed at, yes, to put a fine point on it).
I learned quickly not to expect better from him.
All he cared about was arguing with Rob.
If Rob said black, he said white.
If Rob had said the sky was blue and grass green, he'd have argued the opposite JUST TO BE A JERKOFF, I do whole-heartedly believe.
He may have been around since Gut Rumbles' inception, but I do NOT believe he EVER cared about Rob a bit.
What he did wasn't about being a friend of Rob's.
It was about being able to blog in Rob's comments instead of creating his own blog and riding Rob's coattails as far as having people read what he wrote because I believe he knew he'd never be able to generate Rob's caliber of traffic for himself. Anyway... either disable anonymous comments or blow them off for the meaningless drivel that even the anonymous author knows they so obviously are.
And, if you're just another commenter and the blog owner hasn't even responded to it, then you don't need to either.
If a person can write a blog, they can certainly also type well enough to take care of it themselves, IF they even think it's worth worrying about.
Know what I'm sayin'? Now, in other news... realizing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it.
So... so far, so good. I'm not picking on anybody here, but, I have to say that impulse control is a mark of maturity.
CHILDREN have no impulse control.
That's why they do the incredibly stupid shit that they do and why they're frequently in trouble for the incredibly stupid shit they do.
Plus, they keep doing it... they continually do things that cause them, and others, problems. It's not cute.
It's not endearing.
It's not something that oughta be admired by others. What it is is something that GOOD parents try to instill in their kids before they become adults and better is to be expected from them. So, if you're over the age of about 10 and you do "impulsive" things and some dipshit says they like that about you, they are NOT your friend.
What they are is your "instigator".
They ENCOURAGE you to keep being that way- impulsive- because they full well know it's gonna create drama and then they get to sit back and watch you tread shit "of your own creation" and probably enjoy it while they do. Then, when you're backed into yet another corner, cowering, crying, and feeling like shit, they'll pop back up, pat ya on the head, mouth platitudes at you to keep you erroneously believing that they are your friend so that they can lead you into the same shitpit AGAIN someday. They ENJOY DOING THIS TO YOU.
They LIKE WATCHING YOU EAT SHIT AND SUFFER AND NEVER REALLY GET BETTER.
Hell, they're INVESTED in you staying "unwell" lest they not have you to sit back and laugh at anymore and would then maybe hafta spend that time looking at their own sad selves and seeing how fucked up THEY really are, especially compared to YOU and even more epecially if you really have improved any. So, anytime anyone tells you that they LOVE any aspect of any of any self-detructive behaviors, take that as a sign.
That kinda behavior in them is Nature's way of saying, "DANGER!!! Stay away from this loser/person!! They want you to remain more fucked up than they are, even if you're really not!!!!!!" And, yes... quite often what someone is bitching you out for is what they see in themselves and don't like.
(And, for the record, this is NOT me bitching...) Like, someone accusing their S/O of cheating all the time is probably the one DOING the cheating themselves. Mothers-in-law who're hyper critical of their daughters-in-law probably feel like THEY didn't do a good enough job with the husband when he was under their care, but they'd never admit that, so they externalize it all over the current female (read: their "replacement") out of guilt and envy. So, a daughter who bitches at her Mom for behavior that she then turns around and displays herself is more not liking herself than not liking her Mom.
(This I know, because with my own mom, I hated the shit she did and strove not to replicate it and got told in the process that there was a chance it was my own behavior that I didn't like and, while I can see where that makes sense, it wasn't the case with my mom. The case with my mom was that she was such a nutjob BITCH that I'd rather be dead than be like her.
Still, I saw the truth of that concept with others over time.) And, not letting every single dipshit on Earth's opinion matter to you is NOT being "hardened".
It's simply being a halfway intelligent adult human being. Again, it's only CHILDREN who actually have the need for "everybody" to like them. As you grow up (and old) you start to realize that veeeery few people, even among the ones you DO know, warrant worrying about about whether or not they "like" you. It's utterly impossible to behave in any kind of way so that EVERYBODY is gonna like it... or you.
Unless you're SYBIL, that is. The way you handle this is, first... FUCK "EVERYBODY" ELSE!! You're YOU.
You (hopefully) have your own mind, your own feelings, beliefs, morals, personality, brain, soul and self.
Furthermore, you have a right to alla that.
You have a RIGHT to have your very own thoughts, feelings and ways you want to be.
Or, maybe HAVE TO BE, because you were born the way you really are at your core, after all.
You can't be born one person and morph into someone else. At the same time, you also have the right to keep 99% of those thoughts and feelings to yourself, especially if voicing them is gonna cause you to be hurt by other people's reactions to them
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you, eventually, by somebody some day." Whatcha do is BE WHO YOU ARE.
Screw pleasing the world.
Ya can't do that, anyway.
You just be you, do your thing, and just naturally, the people who will already like you that way will come to you and the assholes who want you to be some way or body you're not will fuck off and leave you be sooner or later. Also, other people's baggage is NOT your problem, it's not your business even and you don't need to waste your time or emotions feeling "bad" for them.
Fuck them.
Before they fuck you.
Again. There's an ocean of difference between being selfish and being a self-preservationist.
And, not giving a shit about those who don't even care about themselves enough not to be "hateful" for shits-n-giggles is one step down the road to mental health, believe me.
(I'm a German Taurus. Tell me when the last time was I gave a flying fuck at a fig newton what some lameass thinks of me. I think it was around 1969.) Am I right, Dad? Anyway... here's another thing... People will purposefully LIE to you, they will give you WRONG INFORMATION ON PURPOSE, kinda like a bomb with a timer, so that they can have the satisfaction of knowing that you're gonna keep making an ass of yourself with that bad information even if they aren't there to witness it.
Especially if they know you're gonna write about it when it happens, anyway.
They don't need to witness it firsthand.
They're plenty happy just to read the result later. All comes out the same to them in the end.
ENTERTAINMENT, baby!! Like, fer instaaaaance... that so-stupid-I-can't-even-articulate-it phrase that SO pissed me off when it was applied to Rob... "Hate to love, love to hate"...
Oh, Sweet baby Jesus.... At least now I understand how that came to be thought of as something good to say.... Whomever told that to you either didn't say it right, didn't understand it themselves or outright lied to you about what it really means. It is NOT praise of ANY KIND.
Not even a little bit. Let's break it down into halves... "Love to hate"... that's pretty standard. I've been hearing that about people since I was a kid. You "love to hate" TV villans, or bad guys... people you love to hate are so bad you LOVE HATING THEM. You enjoy hating them. You hate them sooooo much, you get a panty-puddle from doing it.
Because that's how awful they are. Not a good thing to say in a eulogy. Ever. And especially ABOUT ROB!! Then, we have "hate to love".
Again, this implies that person is so horrible that you hate it that you find anything about them to love. That loving that person is SO bad, disgusting, painful or grotesque to you that you hate the fact that you "love" them. HOWEVER, if you hate "loving" somebody, I'd be inclined to believe that you don't love them AT ALL.
(Obviously.)
(That I'd be inclined to think that, I mean...) Again, this is NOT the thing to say when eulogizing someone... ESPECIALLY ROB, damn it. If ya truly felt this way, you shouldn't even have been there.
(You'll notice that none of Rob's REAL trolls showed up.)
(Meaning that I really don't think you're one of them, okay?) I believe that that situation was just a case of spoutin' off at the mouth without realizing the implications.
Again.
(Which, I must admit, at the time, when considering how badly previous spouting off at the mouth episodes had gone, it made this particular time that much worse. In other words, after how badly it went in his comments that last day, had it been me, I'd have shown up with my mouth NAILED SHUT. Impulse control, ya see?) Either way you slice that idiotic phrase, it means the same thing.
It means that the person you're saying it about is a horrible, horrible person, unworthy of love of any kind, direct or indirect. There is a word, a specific word that means "invoking strong emotion" and I fuckin' can't think of it.
I want this goddamned word so badly that I just called my Dad at work and at home, didn't get him, then called Paul at work and at home just to ask what the word is, but he ain't around either, damn it. People or things that are compelling or intense invoke strong emotions in people, but neither of those are the word I want. It'll come to me, so if I do a one word post later, you'll know I got it... Anyway... whether or not it's good to invoke strong emotions depends... It depends on why you wanna do that, HOW you wanna do it, and to whom. TROLLS invoke strong emotional reactions in some people.
*Yes, I'm waving, shut up* Newborn babies do for others.
(Ew. A tiny little Winston Churchill dipped in 40-weight is to be avoided in my world.) Animal cruelty also invokes strong emotion in some. As do romantic overtures from an S/O for still others. So, being able to invoke strong emotions can go either way and if you keep invoking strong NEGATIVE emotions, you need to do it THE OTHER WAY.
(Unless, of course, you're Rob and enjoy stirring shit occasionally.)
*rolling eyes*
*and giggling* Now, about this therapist... oh gawd...
If you're being told by a paid professional that as long as you know your intentions are good to hell with everybody else, it's time to get a new therapist. For instance, it'd be with the best of intentions that I'd ever rid the world of Sr.'s BC.
I'd be intending to make the world a better place by doing that.
I'd be intending to ease Sr.'s mind and improve his life VASTLY by killing her. So.
I should just go on and do it, right? I can stand there in a court of law and tell the judge I had the best of intentions and he'll slap himself on the forehead hard enough to leave a mark because he didn't see it that way at first and let me go, right? WRONG. To a certain extent, it's SELF-PRESERVATION to give at least a tiny shit about how your intentions are perceived.
At least by the people who're affected by the fallout of your "best of intentions" crappy behavior.
And, that's another thing... continually doing insensitive and kinda STUPID shit then hiding behind that "best of intentions" shit gets old after about the second time.
I'm just sayin'... Now, before anybody tries to tell me I'm contradicting what I said earlier about "fuck what everybody thinks", let me explain it AGAIN.
Using MYSELF as the example. I don't give a good goddamn what 99.99999999 and a half% of the population of this stupid planet thinks of me.
Never have, never will.
I'll say and do just about anything that occurs to me most of the time. (Did ya catch that? just about anything, most of the time... Not "everything, always". That's that impulse control adults are expected to have again.) I intended to stand up at Rob's funeral and tell his family as best I could what he means to me, how he saved me and how much I love him for that.
But, after that "hate to love, love to hate" shit, I was so completely pissed the fuck off I KNEW not to.
I knew I was too "strongly invoked emotionally" to be able to do that for him properly just then.
So... I didn't.
Instead, I went 'round to members of his family afterwards and told them, personally, what I'd wanted to say.
Which turned out to be kinda cool to do anyway, but that's not the point. The point is, I don't give a shit what people think about me.
I do, however, care enough about myself not to put myself into a position like that, to not give in to impulses and do things people might not receive well sometimes.
Like assault.
Or murder.
And, BELIEVE ME, if I had given in to my impulses in that situation, my intentions would have been GOLDEN, because my intention would have been to protect or avenge Rob that time. Think that would have mattered? Not one bit. Just like it doesn't when it's you, either. If you really have the best of intentions, that means you've given a situation some thought and planned how to handle it so it comes out right.
(Kinda like I've done with this.)
Impulsiveness is the very ANTITHESIS of intention(al).
By definition (I just looked 'em both up to make sure), impulsiveness means to act without thought, unmindful of the consequences, while intention(al) means on purpose, WITH thought given prior to action and to any/all possible consequences. Soooo, trying to excuse impulsive behavior by claiming good intentions is utterly useless.
Moreso after it's been attempted umpteen times. Being impulsive and doing dumb things, then saying, "B-b-but, I had the best of intentions" every time it blows up in your face very quickly begins to sound like a flimsy excuse to get away with being intentionally attention-seeking, or something. The little boy who cried wolf comes to mind...
After so many times, it just doesn't cut it anymore.
(And, "so many", even being generous, is maybe about... five times, if that. And, even then, only if it's different situations. To keep doing the same wrong thing in the same situation and expect different results is the very definition of insanity, actually.)
(This I know, too. I saw it on a bumper sticker. *grin*)
(Not to mention they made that saying up about ME, in the first place.) And, this isn't so much a "change your whole self because you can't change everybody else" thing. It's more of a "pick your battles wisely" deal.
Or, to be more to the point, be your 100% balls-to-the-wall self at APPROPRIATE TIMES, and even more importantly, put a lid on that at the appropriate times. It's not easy, no, 'cause, if it was, any ol' asshole could do it and you'll notice I'm not taking the time with anybody else, nor do I expect better from just everybody who was an ass in Rob's comments that day. Which brings me to, hopefully, my last two "items" in this missive. First is a fact that nobody has yet to understand... When it comes to the way I am about Rob, it's not just to you that I am that way.
In fact, the way I am about Rob, and the way I acted right after he died, and will still be to this day about him, has nothing to do with you. It has EVERYTHING to do with Rob.
And, ONLY Rob. I'd be the same way toward ANYBODY who tried to re-write his history, his story, as it were. Believe me, had any of the myriad other women he laid tried to turn it into the greatest "love" story of the 21st century, I'd be on them like stink on shit, too. Whether he liked it or not, whether he'd admit it or not (and, he did, many times), whether it was a good thing or not, Rob loved that unholy bitch, Jennifer, til the day he died.
And, he probably still does. No other woman EVER would have had a chance with him. They could've had a good time with him and many did.
But NOBODY would have ever taken Jennifer's place in his heart and nobody ever did.
(The saddest part of that is how utterly clueless, hence CRUEL, Jennifer was about that. Either that, or she really IS the most evil cunt ever born, just like he said.) Anyway... yes, I was pissed off at you for the heartless things you were saying to him and about him in his comments and to his Grandmother.
For the record, I wasn't too overly fond of the rest of them in his comments, either.
But, they didn't piss Rob off so badly that he demanded they go away, tried to ban them and then NAMED THEM ALL in that update (which, yes, I do still have). Not every single person took it that far and then some.
That's why I didn't "attack" everybody.
But, I woulda done the same thing to ANYBODY who did that shit, who had pushed him that far and hurt him that badly. And... I still will. But, maybe not for as long as I did it with you.
Because I don't expect better from every single person who did that kinda crap, nor was he as hurt by it from everybody else. Nor can he be anymore, really, but I still feel it's my province, or responsibility if you'd rather, to protect him because of how much he did for me. I'll ALWAYS feel that way about Rob.
There'll NEVER be a "good time" to start with that kinda shit.
Especially not when I have his own words refuting it... as proof that it's bullshit.
And, yes... his words are all the proof that I need or care to entertain. So... it wasn't about attacking you, or hurting you or hating you. It was, has been, and always will be about ROB for me. Not "how can I hurt her?".
How can I keep Rob with being fucked with even unto DEATH, like the guy in that Sam Kinison riff getting boned up the ass on the mortuary table. Okay?
Unnerstaaaaand? Now, for my last thing...
and, this I truly do not get... When it comes to eeeeeeverything I just talked about except Rob... why do I even care?
Especially since I'm "Ms. Pitbull Attack Dog", or perceived as such, when it comes to you? I don't know, but... I do. The longer you've gone and left Rob the hell alone, the more I've been able to see you with less "poised to attack" eagle eyes.
And, the more YOU'VE ALLOWED me to see you that way (by leaving Rob alone), the more I've been being this way. Ask Paul how many times I've emailed him or talked to him on the phone about you and your commenters and their propensity to reinforce your bad, or self-destructive, behavior and asked him why, if they care so much about you, do they do that.
Ask him how many times I've wanted to email you myself and point out these things to you.
Ask him how many times I've asked him, "If I'm such an "attack her" bitch, why do I even CARE about this?" He doesn't know, either. But...
I do, damn it. I am sick to fuckin' DEATH of those people supporting every single thing you do, good, bad or horrific.
(Like that guy you met at that funeral... jesus good gawd CHRIST. I cannot BELIEVE they cheered you on in that. If they really think that that was a wonderful thing you did for yourself, they are waaaay more fucked up than you've EVER been. Friends do NOT cheer on a friends self-destructive behavior and jesusfuck, wasn't I saying this same exact thing that last day in Rob's comments, oh yes, I sure as hell was.) How people like that, who encourage you to greater heights of insanity, can call themselves your friends and you believe it, is beyond me.
Much the same way I just could NOT wrap my mind around the shit you were doing to Rob from when you first betrayed his confidence in his comments at the beginning of June up to the day he died. Friends don't do that kinda shit to each other.
Not REAL friends. You didn't see Cat or Willy or Velociman or Denny or Elisson or Recondo or his brother Dave doing that to him, did ya? No. And, lem'me tell ya... those men ARE Rob's REAL friends. Now, having said alla that, hell...maybe you want or need to be surrounded by a buncha "yes-men" who just agree with everything you do whether or not it's really something that's good for you to be doing. I don't know. All I know is that I could never have that in my own life. I value the truth entirely too much to compromise it, especially in matters that pertain to my own well-being and self. I want the truth.
Good, bad or ugly, I NEED the truth to be able to grow and learn. Plus, I cannot respect anybody who just kisses my ass like that. Plus plus, I can tell the difference between people who're really trying to help me better myself and those who would encourage the bad behavior just to watch the drama that inevitably follows. When it comes to Rob, I may very well NEVER be able to reconcile your words with your behavior the last month of his life.
You need to know that, with me, actions speak MUCH louder than mere words. BUT... as time goes by and you keep leaving the man alone, I get more and more open to you and to seeing what the real deal is with you. Or, at least with the situation you're in, anyway. And, as that time goes by and you keep leaving Rob alone, I more and more want an open dialog with you to HELP YOU FOR REAL to not keep screwing yourself. To really get better.
(Unlike most of those commenters of yours, from my perspective...) If you want it, I do possess the capacity to do this with you.
We can just agree to leave Rob out of it completely. You don't bring up that shit that you KNOW will set me off and I won't think about the rest of it. We can, or I can anyway, set that aside and just know going in that I'll never believe any differently than I do right now and have all along, so there's no use wasting our time for you to try to convince me otherwise and I'll not continue where I left off that last day in his comments trying to make you understand how horribly wrong the execution of your intentions was. S'up to you.
If you want to hear the truth, I'm offering to tell it to ya. I have no need to be mean anymore (and won't as long as you don't give me a reason to be) or to try to lead you astray.
Hell, if leading you astray just to watch you continue to struggle was all I wanted, I'd just have kept my mouth shut and continued to watch those "friends" of your's do it to ya. I don't hate you, I've never "loved" you and been all "Aw, poor you. You're so picked on. That person is just mean. You're perfect, blah, blah." That's not who I am.
I'm also not the kind of person to go around saying this kinda thing to just anybody.
Again... why you?
I don't know.
It just is what it is. If you want help, and by "help", I mean someone who will call you on it when you get back into your self-destructive mode of operation, who won't let you be a victim forever, who'll give you 100% honesty whether it's pretty or not, let me know. I suppose I could've just done this all along... emailed you when you've done the things you've done since June that have made me just shake my head and ask Paul who the fucked up one IS, me, you or those commenters.
But, I'm not about wasting my time.
That's why I'm ASKING you if this is something you'd want, something you'd USE to help yourself, instead of just "picking on you". Okay? No, I don't know why.
No, I don't know why YOU. I just know I can handle this if you can. Except for when it comes to Rob, I have all the objectivity in the world for you.
And really... from the first time you commented at GR til the day Rob died was only 15 months, total.
And, 15 months out of 40-some years ain't SHIT, so Rob isn't, wasn't, and now never CAN be what ails you.
I think it has LOTS more to do with the preceeding 40-some years. It has to do with that, and the fact that nobody who is around you right now cares enough to tell you the truth when it's not pleasant, and it has to do with your defenses... that little girl/Pollyanna/why's-everybody-always-picking-on-me
horse hockey that you'd rather stay stuck in, as opposed to really getting better because it's easier for you. I won't let you be lazy like that anymore.
The perpetuation of that whole self-image you have of yourself as a well-meaning but highly misunderstood Miss Rosy Sunshine ("if only people would quit pissin' on my parade") little girl is the single most destructive thing that is being done to you. And, Honey... you ARE the one doing that to yourself.
Aided and abetted by those parasites that surround you right now, of course. What you have to do, the things you need to make yourself do to REALLY get better, are gonna take STRENGTH.
Yours and more from the people around you... if any of them have any. And, that is something I happen to have an abundance of. And, I'm offering to lend you some, IF you're gonna use it for the right purpose, which would be to continue to really and truly actually at least TRY improve yourself, like you seem to be doing lately.
(Until today, when you parroted what that therapist said, it'd been a while since you tried hiding behind that, "Well, my intentions were good. It's not MY fault that those people didn't take it the right way even though I executed them so wrongly" crap you used to say every other day about every other THING.)
(And, "Good on ya" for getting as good a grip on that shit as ya have, too.) And (andand), maybe the reason I'm doing this is because a coupla people did it for me.
One, when he didn't have to and did it anyway.
The other did it without even knowing he was doing it.
And, maybe I think the best way to pay them back is to pay it forward. And, maybe you because I have been paying attention and think I can see the real you somewhere, under alla the excuses and denial and pain and damage. Maybe I understand you and where you are better than anybody knows.
Because maybe it's my old stomping grounds, the place you find yourself these days. And, maybe I found a path, lit by a beacon of strength the likes of which I've never seen before and never expect to find again and want to help you like I was helped simply because I can. I mean, hell... it'd be nice to think I had to go through all that shit and that I survived it for a reason, ya know?
A reason besides myself, I mean... Maybe this is what I'm supposed to do.
I don't know. I only know I'm willing to try if you are. And, if you're not?
I still wish you luck in finding your way and will keep watching to see how you're getting along. Like I said before... it's up to you. And now, I hafta race like a piss horse and I still need to add a little explanation to the main post and email you to let you know I even did this, so I'mina shaddap now. To go so far as to give you any easy out, if you decide you don't wanna do this, you can simply not respond at all, if you want.
Or, you can certainly write back and tell me to poke my head up my ass with a long stick, too, if ya want or need to. I'll be cleaning this (expletives deleted) house.
So, take your time and I'll check back later. Peace, woman.
Peace ON you, TO you and FOR you.
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