I don't know about this...

Hell, I don't even know if I'm gonna post this or not, but... what the hell.
I'll try writing it out and see if it comes out "okay".
If it does, fine.
If not... pft. I'll either try again, publish it anyway or just drop it.

We'll see, I guess.

What I did was took a "test" of sorts and I'm debating on whether or not to post the results.
'Cause, if I post the results, I feel like I need to explain something about having taken the test in the first place...
And, that's because of where I found it...
WHO I found it through...

And, it's often difficult to talk to or about this person without it degenerating into a... into a fuckin' MESS.

(And, I must add right now... I've been giggling since I got the results. And, just saying that it always becomes a "mess" just made me outright LAUGH, because it's true and it's somewhat of an understatement. Which leads me to want to post the results, on one hand and also makes me think I need to make this "explanation" first. And, frankly, maybe if I were to go through the "explanation" part, it could clear some shit up. Or, it could start the whole damed thing over again...)

Aw, fuck it.
Everybody already thinks I'm nuts to begin with and if they know me that well, they also know I'm an absolute MILITANT when it comes to Rob.
And, maybe, if I explain that... why I'm like that and will NEVER CHANGE in that aspect of myself... hell, why I don't even WANT to change that aspect of myself... well, it'll either make everything a lot easier or it will affect nothing.

I really don't think things could be more strained, uncomfortable and potentially volatile than they have been...

And, maybe... if I make it clear why I am like I am and what it is that'll cause more trouble than it's worth, it won't happen. I could maybe quit worrying about it and waiting for it and maybe move on to what extent this situation can be moved on from.
Which ain't a lot to begin with...

Anyway...

I found the "test" at Livey's.
Yeah, I've been reading her all along.
She's commented here a time or two and I even left her a comment, after she made me laugh out loud a week or so ago.

Now, to be brutally honest about it, the reason I kept reading her is the old Mafia rule... "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer."
(Eh, maybe that's not the best reason I could've had, but it's brought me to where I am now, so shut up.)

And, where am I now?
Right here.
Right where I'm gonna be til I'm dead and they pry my stiff, cold fingers offa this keyboard.
Right here.
Keeping an eagle eye peeled for any possible assaults on Rob, his character, the truth about him and his life... right HERE.
I ain't moving, I ain't giving up my watch, I'm not capitulating one bit.
Where I am right now is... here.
And, "here" isn't a place I've been before because it's a place where I am required to drop my guard at all, let alone enough for this to work.
But, I'm still willing to give it a shot and if it doesn't work, I'll simply go back to what I know and God help anybody who, even inadvertantly, crosses the line.
Because, one thing that IS clear is how I am about Rob, even if these reasons for the way I am haven't been very well understood.

And, I'm willing to give ya a chance to understand and see if it does anybody any good, but, the bottom line is: I am how I am about a one-of-a-kind man and neither of those "facts" will ever change.

What I seem to be doing (still) is making my stand and now, I'm cementing myself into it (as if I haven't been willingly locked into it all along) and seeing who, if anybody, can handle that.

Most do handle it, really well.

The ones who can't can keep on goin'.
I don't know you people, I don't WANT to know you and, if you're inclined to give me shit about who and the way I am, you can also kiss my ass.

I really don't care.
After the amount of pure shit I was given by a buncha ASSHOLES who don't even know me after Rob died, I have no interest whatsoever in ever listening to anything ELSE they may want to say.
They proved themselves to be a load of lying asswipes and I'm perfectly content with them all fucking off forever and... you dickbags know who you are.
(And, not one of them is Livey even though I know for a fact that she did it too. I saw her emails about me, I read the fiction about me in her comments... still, she's not who I'm addressing with that statement, so bite me.)

I'm not going to change just to appease people, especially the kind of people who did and would continue to give me grief about the whole thing.

So, here's the deal, spelled out as frankly, honestly and NICELY as I can.
Okay?
Good.

And, away we go....

First thing everybody thinks they know about me that they really don't understand the depth of...

Rob was all but a God to me.
Right or wrong, it's the truth.

Without being asked to, without eeeeven knowing he was (or giving a shit that he was, I'm sure) that man SAVED ME.

From the VERY FIRST TIME I ever read him, he had me.
Totally.

In a way that nobody else has ever done it, he had me from the very beginning.
I could (and still do) FEEL him.
In reading his words, I could FEEL the emotions in them, good and bad.
I knew EXACTLY what he meant, even when he didn't.
And, especially when others didn't.

And, I'd been around the proverbial block enough times in my life to know, even more importantly, what he was NOT.

I never EVER wanted to "fuck" Rob.
Not with words at Gut Rumbles and not physically.

Hell, I was so intimidated by him for the first two years, I used to literally SHAKE when he'd comment or, Good Gawd Almighty, LINK ME.

And, that was just from HIM, that intimidation I felt.
That was BESIDES all the lying, jealous bitches he had running around him, trying to piss on his leg and mark their territory.
Not to mention the weirdos, trolls and other looney-toons (yes, like me, shut up again) he attracted.

It was very much like trying to leap on a race horse, mid-race, and not get killed in the process to join in at Gut Rumbles.

Especially when I'd been nice and TRIED not to step on any (what turned out to be totally meaningless) toes.
I ASKED a certain person about writing to him before I did it.
I did this because she was the most recent female that Rob had had in his bed and I mistakenly thought that mattered somehow.
It didn't.
For my efforts, I got lied to, then called "psycho" and all but a whore every goddamned place I went after that that "this person" happened to be.
I was told more goddamned lying, buncha shit stories about myself and this... BITCH by people... Jesus.
Stories that she had MADE UP in her own bent head.
All so she could "run me off" before I even had a chance to even communicate with Rob.

Didn't work.
In fact, it blew up in her face.
Karma, I love ya....

Anyway, I was quite taken by Rob from the first.
His survival was awsome to behold.
His strength, his iron balls, his heart, his struggle, his triumphs... it was all very compelling.
As was Rob himself.

DIRECTLY because of Rob, I started blogging myself.
And, the day my Dad said to me, "Thank GOD for Xfire. Without it, I don't know where you'd be today...", I knew then that I'd been given a gift, a rare and precious gift, by this man, Rob Smith.

He gave me the tools, the balls and the example of how to save myself FROM myself.

Not only that, but after we became known to each other (not just me knowing who he was), he took my hand and helped me along sometimes.

He let me become one of his friends.

Not a bed partner, not a piece of ass... a FRIEND.

He let me become someone he KNEW loved him and that he could count on NEVER to stab him in the back or turn away from him, or delink him, or treat him like shit.
I knew he knew that about me.
I LOVED that he knew that about me.

I had to eat a LOT of shit for it from jealous assholes, but... ya know what?
Fuck them all.
I didn't care then and I don't now.

Y'all can call me whatever kinda "ass-kissing, groupie/minion cunt" ya want to.
All it does is reinforce my feelings about it all.
Makes me even STRONGER in my defense of Rob.
Makes me love him even MORE because he's worth alla that trifilin' BULLSHIT and more.
Bring it on.
Have a ball.
Wear yourselves right the fuck out.

I.
don't.
care.

Have at it.

Yeah, I'm psychotic twat about Rob Smith.
Whoo-hoo.
*rolling eyes*

So fuckin' what?

I gotta tell ya's... y'all haven't been forced to witness everything I have in me, waiting, in case Rob does get maligned.
Again.

Hope ya never do.

Sincerely.

Anyway... I loved him from the first. A lot.
I wanted to HELP him some how...
I wanted to at least be able to do for him what he'd done for me.
(You know... saved me.)
Turns out I failed at THAT little task, but... he was his own man.

That's one thing I got about him from the first post of his I ever read that not many other people EVER figured out.

The more I got to know him and his friends (Cat), the more there was to love about him just being who he was.
I didn't want him to change who he was.
I didn't give him shit for feeling like he did or saying it how he said it.

I loved his fire.
I've never seen one burn brighter.
(Unfortunately, in this world, it seems the brighter you shine, the faster you burn out...)

By June of 2006, I don't think my feelings for and about Rob were any secret.
I don't think that it should have come as a shock to anybody that I'd have beaten the HELL out of ANYONE had Rob indicated in any way that that's what he wanted done to make people leave him be.

I'd have taken a bullet... MANY BULLETS... for that man, if I could have.
Let Jennifer play her shit with ME.
Let the trolls come try fuckin' with ME.
Let ME be the one kept from a child, not him.
Let ME be the one who has all that pain, not him.
He'd been through ENOUGH.
He'd survived ENOUGH and deserved a break.
If not "several" breaks... which he never got.

So, are ya with me here?
Rob was a horribly wounded GOD, surrounded by a bunch of opportunistic, trash-talking dickheads for the most part.

And... I loved him.
(Still do.)

And, THAT, friends (and NOT friends) and neighbors, is the recipe that made me who I am today...
the ass-kissing groupie/minion cunt...
who'll rip yer fuckin' head off and shit down yer neck if you even THINK about fuckin' with Rob in any way, at any time and for any reason should I get wind of it.

I won't have it.

ENOUGH was done to the man.
MORE than enough, if you know the ENTIRE story, which many don't.
And... never will.

The point is, Rob went through a LOT of needless shit that I couldn't do anything about.

Well, I can and will see to it that he's not subjected to any more horseshit.

I will NOT sit idly by while ANYBODY rewrites his history or his story.

I know what the deal was.
I know what it had been and I know what it was at the last, too.

In one word it was:

ENOUGH

And, honestly, I don't know which is stronger in me... the love I have for Rob or the fierce protectiveness that I also feel and will continue to feel til sometime after I'm dead.

But, I do know that I've never felt so much of the way I feel about Rob about anybody before and probably never will again, so... this is IT for me.

If the reason I was put on this planet is to be the keeper of Rob's truth, so be it.
At least now I know why I had to come here, be born, put up with my stupid life and alla that shit.
If it's so I could be what I am now, great.
At least there IS a reason for me being here finally.
(And, it's about goddamned time, too. 43 years I've gotta be here before I find out WHY. Jeezus...)

Anyway... this is all very rock-like, unshakable and STRONG in me.

If it's what I'm supposed to, or need to, dedicate the rest of my life to, I'm good with that.
I actually love that idea.
Works for me.
Hope it does the rest of the planet, especially those who found it "sporting" to fuck with Rob endlessly.

You assholes are the ones I really want.
Your bloody scalps dangling into a PIGPEN is what I want for you losers.
And, given the chance, I'll make it happen.
For Rob.
For the additional grief you brought to him that he didn't need.

I don't forget.

So, no amount of time passing will lessen my resolve in this.

It could be 2029 and I'll still be on duty as far as Rob goes.
There will NEVER be a time when it's okay for people to start fucking him over again.
Never.

Y'all got away with "bearding the lion" when he was too worn out to bite back and really chew your empty heads off.
Y'all got away with it when the lion was old, tired and hurting.

You won't get away with it anymore.

I'll see to that with every breath God allows me to draw.
Bet on it.

And, that's where I am now.
This is WHO I am now.

Rob impacted my life like a jet swooping into a Piper Cub's flight path.
I got caught up in his propulsion and taught to really fly, to be as free from the constraints of this world and all it's pain as a person can be.
And, I was taught by Rob how to deal with it when I have to (like I am right now).
And, I won't ever let a man who gave me that kind of gift be hurt again.

And, yeah... he still can be hurt.
His memory can be.
And, I won't have that.
Not one WORD of it.

Which, fortunately, there hasn't been a lot of lately.
But, at first?
Hoo-boy.

Good CHRIST, did people want to spin shit.
They wanted to try to make things a way they WEREN'T.
Things were said and done that, had Rob known of it, would have sent him through the fuckin' ROOF, with the lies and bullshit being stated and acted out as fact when it wasn't.

And,
it totally, completely and to the core of my very SOUL pissed me off in a way I never have been before and hope to God never to be again.

It went beyond me wanting to hurt, main or kill.
It went into me begging God to smite people and send them to hell when they die for what they were doing.
They deserved it.
That, and more.

And, I don't have any interest in hearing a bunch of shit about how "emotional" a time it was, how shit like that oughta be "excused" because of the situation.

Bullshit.

I was just as fucked up by it as anybody and ya didn't see ME running around, lying about my relationship with Rob and trying to make one meaningless thing that happened into something else.
And, even if I had (been dumb enough to have) slept with him, I'm not so stupid as to have tried to make it into anything other than what it would have been... a fun time had by all that ENDED WHEN I LEFT GEORGIA.
(Like it was with EVERY SINGLE OTHER FEMALE HE BEDDED.)

After Jennifer, when it came to women, Rob was a consumer.
And, women were the product.
End of story.

I may not have agreed with it, but... Rob was in love with Jennifer til the day he died and I knew nobody, least of all me, could ever "fix" that for him.
Nobody, least of all me, could EVER take her place in his life or his heart and... I never really wanted to.
All I wanted was for his love for Jennifer not to hurt him so badly.
For HER not to hurt so him much, every time she could or... to be there for him when she did and ya always KNEW she would.

I don't confuse sex with love.
Anymore.
Oh, I used to, just like the rest of Rob's "recepticles" did, but... I wised up looooong before I "met" him.
So, the love I have for him was never about that.

It just was because it was.
It existed and still does simply because he was who he was, just exactly LIKE he was.

Rob was who he was, no apologies.
I love him as much and the way I love him, no apologies.

That second fact is FUSED to the reality of the first fact, therefore it will never change.

Unnerstand?

*whew*
(I just re-read all of this and boy Howdy, am I taking a long and careful time to explain this shit... Do y'all have any idea how much easier this would all be if people didn't INSIST on being revisionist peckerheads about Rob? God.)

Any-longfuckin'post-way...

Rob was the first real, live, of-my-own-time hero I ever had.
I missed Buford Pusser by a few years....

And, as such, Rob is sacrosanct to me.

And, there is NO ONE out there in "Blogland" more important to me than him.
Never will be.
There will never be any person who I respect more, care about more and enough about to let them shit all over Rob.
(And, actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I'd even consider a person who'd want to do that to Rob now... I wouldn't consider them my friend, or his, I wouldn't consider them enough of a human being to even worry about destroying if anyone should do that. Especially now that he's not here to speak up for himself anymore. That's just... beyond wrong.)

So, all this is how I feel.
Still.
After six months.

Can ya even imagine how much more of this there was at first?
Can you even imagine how hard it is to contain this even now?

I'm just sitting here, coiled, like a spring, just waiting for the first dipshit to unlock the catch by being as ass about Rob and have to deal with the energy that'll be unleashed upon them if they push me.

And...
I love it.

Being this way about Rob gives me a feeling of conviction unlike any I've ever had about anything ever before.
It makes me feel useful and alive.
And, again- to be brutally honest- there's a small, mean, capering little devil in me that wishes somebody would unleash my inner Pit Bull.
Hell, I'd have fun.
It'd be a blast to hurt somebody for Rob who hurt him.
I'd LOVE to be able to do that for him.

But... believe it or not... Jennifer is NOT on that list.

He loved her.

I can't hurt her.

He LOVED her.

But but... there're still people around who THOUGHT they were "Jennifer-like" to him (in that they could "fix" his life for him if ONLY he'd "let" them) that bear watching.
People who have already done MORE THAN enough to him when he was alive and after he died.
One person in particular that needed to be slapped upside the head for the things that were said and done.
("Love to hate, hate to love"? What the FUCK kinda thing is that to say at a man's funeral? My GOD.)

Yeah, there was a lot of shit said and done that just plain shouldn't have been said and done.

Too late to change that now.
Too long to still be pissed about it, too.
So...
I'm learning not to be.

WITH THE PRVISO that, if it happens again, all bets are OFF and war WILL be waged against the bullshit.

Okay?

And, that's where "Yeah, I'm starting to be able to see Livey without seeing RED" comes in.

She's been keeping her mouth shut about Rob.

And, that's good.

That's all I want.

No more of this revisionist horseshit about what the deal was.

It was what it was and, in the end, even wasn't even that- fun- anymore for Rob.

And, if he'd had any idea of the things that were said and done... wow.

I think had Rob known about it, Jennifer woulda been bumped off the top of his "If they didn't have a pussy, there'd be a bounty on their heads/women suck" list.

I mean, Jesus... he was already somewhere past pissed at what was done to him at the beginning of June (not to mention even before that).
He made his feelings on the whole subject PERFECTLY clear to anyone who CARED enough to see it.

And, frankly, if it'd been me I'd never have done that to him in the first place and I surely wouldn't have stayed around someplace I was being told to fuck off from.
But... that's just me.
Some other people can't face the real truth even when they get wopped in the face with it.

Again though... not my problem.

My "problem" is keeping Rob's ass out of the line of fire.
Or, more to the point, throwing myself in front of any bullets shot his way.
I did that when he was alive, ya don't think I'm not gonna keep doing it now, do ya?

So, having said alla that, I can finally get closer the my frickin' POINT, which is that test.
And Linda.
And my contact with her lately that hasn't been so bad.
(Yet.)

And, that won't BE so bad as long as she keeps her version of her "Rob" story to herself.
Where it belongs.
Where it can't be absolutely refuted by Rob's OWN WORDS.
(Which, yes, I still have to prove his point, if need be.)

That's it.
That's all of my "psychosis".

Put an absolute end to any possible crap like that THAT I CAN TRUST and ya put an end to me being such an ass-kissing groupie/minion cunt. Or whatever.

And, since she hasn't done any of that utterly stupid shit lately, I'm coming around.
I'm not the hate-filled, wanna-see-you-suffer-like-you-made-HIM-suffer bitch that I can be.

It'll always be there, just in case, but... it doesn't need to be so "on the surface" as it has been.

I can be around her as long as she doesn't try feeding me that tripe about Rob.

It's up to her, pretty much.

Meanwhile, she's not being an ass and I'm slowly starting to see her AS HER, not as some heartless, insane person who has to claim the spotlight no matter whose memory she hurts.

I don't know that I can ever forgive her for the shit she did to Rob while he was alive, let alone the crap she pulled "behind his back" as it were, after he died, but... I can try to get past it.
And, I think I am.
But, I wouldn't be able to even try if I had to mince words or not be honest about it from my perspective.
So, if the way I'm putting this is perceived as harsh, rest assured that this is mild compared to how BIG it used to be and could be again, if provoked.

And, who knows?
Maybe my one rule will be too much and Linda will tell me to shove it, that being "conditional friends" isn't something she's interested in.
That's fine.
'Cause I still got to get this all said.

And, dear God, it's not that I think being friends with ME is any big deal or something to be crawled across broken glass to get to, but... in that we've commented to each other a coupla times and that not EVERYTHING in our lives MUST revolve around Rob, it seems like there could be room for us to be around each other a little and not have to keep circling each other sideways, waiting for a fight.

I've had a feeling about this for a while, too.
Yet another reason why I keep reading her.

And, I think if we agree to not discuss Rob and she knows from the gitgo that I'll turn Pit Bull the instant she starts, maybe she won't and we can BOTH move on from this.

Again, up to her, but my rule is steadfast and will never change.

Rob is OFF LIMITS.

I won't see, hear, read or be subjected to her version of events because they're not true.

And, that's not picking on her, either.

I never have had any time, patience or temper for being lied to.
By ANYBODY.

And, when it comes to her and Rob, Rob's word is GOSPEL to me.

What HE said, what HE wanted, what HE was put through is all that matters to me.

If you can handle that, you can handle ME.

Meanwhile, we've been reading each other and have both said a coupla things that weren't inflammatory, so.... I'm up for getting offa her ass if she's ready to get offa Rob's.

If I don't hafta wonder every single day whether or not when I click on her link that she's got some shit posted that would make Rob scream, she can quit worrying about me making her scream.

And, mind you, I'm not taking myself off the market for being fucked with.
I'm still game.
I'm still out in the open, probably after this with a target on my back, but Rob's not.
That's all.
Leave him be and I'll leave you be.

How much more fair can ya get than that?

You don't defile a dead man's memory and I won't make you eat it served in a delectible bed of his words.

And, that actually goes for anybody, but with everybody else, it's gonna be all my own fight.
With Linda, it'll just be me repeating what Rob said himself.

And, maybe that's why I focus so much on her.
Because ROB articulated his opinion, his truth about that situation, as far as I'm concerned.
He made his feelings regarding her crystal clear.
MORE THAN ONCE.
Whatever it had been, it wasn't anymore by June.
What it was, was OVER for him.
He outright said he didn't want any more contact being made.

He didn't feel a need to do that with everybody, so I don't feel such a strong urge to protect him from everybody as much.

Plus, nobody else said and did the things she said and did after... in Georgia.
So, nobody else kinda has this sandwich board on 'em proclaiming that they need to be sat on when it comes to Rob.

Know what I mean?

Anyway...

I'm a nut.
I love Rob.
I don't hate Linda.
I won't put up with one single lie being told about him and anything that contradicts what Rob said himself is considered, by me, to be a lie regarding this particular situation.

Okay?
Clear enough?
Fair enough?
(And, if it's not clear enough, let me know, ask your questions, and I'll answer 'em as best I can. If it's not fair enough, tough.)

So... that's where I am with Linda these days and that's how I came to see the results of a test she took and how I came to take it myself just to see what they came up with AND, it's what led me to simultaneously laugh and want to do myself great bodily injury when we got some of the same results.

Seriously...

I was laughing at it and saying, "Oh, Gawd" at the same time, then I got to thinking...

We're not completely unalike.
VERY unalike, mostly unalike, but... not totally.

And, that led to, except for the whole Rob thing, I don't even dislike her, really.

Except for the whole Rob thing, it's like trying to hate a bunny or a some other child-like entity.
Except for the whole Rob thing, it's kinda stupid.
And, except for the Rob thing, I DON'T have a problem with her.

So, if we can avoid the whole Rob thing, we can get along.
If she wants...

This is the way it needs to be for me, if this is gonna work and... it's up to her, like I said.

Makes me no nevermind one way or the other.

It just is what it is.

Accept it or not.

And, now... finally, after alla this... I'm gonna stick my results of that test in the EP 'cause it's almost as long as this is.

Then, I'm gonna go do all this shit I've been wanting to do for the last few days.
And, I might even find THE LAST DAMNED LINK I NEED to finish "Guitar Man".

In fact, I think I'm gonna do that first.
I want to get this done and sent out so I can post it "in time".
For Christmas Day.
(To be left up for a day or two, too, by the way, so if ya don't hear from me, that's why...)

So.
If ya have any eyeballs left after alla this, feel free to click the Extended Play.

I need to go feed the dogs... among other things.

Peace

Introduction to Agreeableness

This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.

You are best described as:
TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Words that describe you:

* Fair
* Considered
* Collaborative
* Responsive
* Sensible
* Diplomatic
* Contemplative
* Indulgent
* Rational

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.

You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.

When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.

You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness.

For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble.

At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself.

Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble.

Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.

Introduction to Openness

How firmly committed are you to the ideas and beliefs that govern your thinking and guide your behavior? Some people trust their current ideas and beliefs the way a climber trusts the mountain; whichever way they move, whether the climb is on a familiar trail or over new ground, there is something solid beneath them, something they count on.

For others, new ideas, new solutions to old problems, new beliefs that replace tired convictions are like welcome wind in their sails. They can hardly wait to tack in a new direction and ride a new idea through uncharted waters. If it's new, it's interesting, and they're ready to explore.

The following paragraphs describe your responses to new ways of thinking and believing. How do you handle new information? Are you more like the climber on a familiar mountain or a sailor with a tiller in hand and a fresh breeze to propel you? How you integrate and process new information about the world and about others is a core aspect of your personality.

On the Openness Dimension you are:
CURIOUS

Words that describe you:

* Original
* Inventive
* Thinker
* Brave
* Eccentric
* Avant-Garde
* Out-of-Touch
* Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.

For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.

A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.

After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Introduction to Emotional Stability

We're born with the capacity to feel deeply, so it's as natural as breathing to experience a range of emotions. Fear and joy and sadness, anger and shame and disgust lie somewhere within each of us. Ah, but to what extent do we control these emotions, and to what extent do they control us? How you answer this question of how your emotions play out in your life has a great deal to do with your levels of personal satisfaction and with the character of your relationships with others. Do you manage your emotions well, keeping them in check with your thinking and your willpower, or are you someone who lets emotions have their way, giving in to the wild dance of feelings? The following paragraphs describe your emotional range in terms of being a person who is emotionally steady or someone who is responsive to whatever feelings swell up in you.

On Emotional Stability you are:
RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:

* Open
* Accessible
* Too Sensitive
* Reachable
* Candid
* Unguarded

A General Description of Your Reactivity

You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people. You've got your life in a good place, your dominant mood is upbeat, and unless life has been particularly trying for you, you greatly enjoy the richness and intensity of life that being so open with your emotions brings you.

Sure there are times when your feelings come very close to the surface, and life becomes more complicated. At these times you may grow self-conscious, or feel a bit anxious. But all in all, you much prefer being open with your emotions, breathing in all that life offers, than shutting down any part of your emotional experience. Granted, there may be times when these emotions are hard but you realize that is part of life. And more often than not you feel enriched by your emotions, by your ability to be open to all that life brings you. You know that even when you have those times that get you down, there will be even more times when you see life in ways that others just can't.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Undoubtedly you have met some people who get uncomfortable being around you because your feelings are so close to the surface. They may keep a bit of distance, especially around any subject that might trigger an emotional topic they are uncomfortable with. Over time, they might even stay away from you more and more. You will find you have decisions to make; do you temper your style for their comfort or do you hope they will find ways to become more comfortable with emotional expressions? Given the richness that seems to stem from your emotional life the most meaningful response is probably very apparent to you.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

You are a cherished companion for those friends who can handle emotions well. They will appreciate the candor with which you express even difficult feelings like anger and fear. Your openness will make intimate conversations even more intimate, and make the connections between you as friends deeper and stronger. Some people who have trouble expressing their feelings might find in you a good example of how to be more vulnerable and more open. Your willingness and ability to share your emotions could encourage them to share theirs, and invite them into ways of being friends that will help enrich their lives.

Introduction to Conscientiousness

It's a work day, breakfast is over, and you're dressed and ready. So how will you approach the tasks at hand? Some people work best with a clear schedule, a set of priorities and a due date for every step in the process. Others are, shall we say, less regimented. They approach a task with as much imagination as organization, and with a willingness to bend and modify in order to exercise some urge of creativity.

How about you? Do you walk in a straight line toward a clear goal, or are you more likely to dance your way down whatever path will get you wherever it is you're headed? The following paragraphs describe ways in which you approach the tasks life brings to you, and to what extent you are focused or flexible in how you choose to proceed.

Your approach toward your obligations is:
FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:

* Casual
* Informal
* Compliant
* Reliable
* Organized
* Solid
* Dependable
* Uncommitted
* Genuine

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When you take on a task at work or at home, you are reliable; you get the job done. In an organized way, you define the goal, lay out a plan, figure how long the task will take, and get to work "solid and dependable you".

But and this is important you're not a slave to the plan. You're committed to it, but not chained to it; the connection is more casual and informal. You know that sometimes "the best laid plans" fall off the tracks; when this happens, you clean up the train wreck and start over, undeterred.

Though not happening often, when plans change, you're okay with it. In fact, sometimes you change the plan. It's too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage. Let's go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday will likely find you back in the garage, but for now the work can wait.

What an interesting combination of qualities in you're organized, but casual; solid, but compliant; and dependable, but informal. At home and at work, people know they can rely on you. You take great satisfaction in knowing that people think of you as disciplined and responsible, but you also know that you have something of a free spirit in you, and when this spirit moves you, off you go, following the impulse of the moment. You are rightly proud of your work ethic, but you also enjoy your willingness to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Some people live like Marines: duty-bound, disciplined and driven. To these people you might seem uncommitted; where they would never leave work for play or change plans in the middle of their life's forced march, you let the circumstance sway you and move in a different direction, and they don't understand.

Others live like kites on a string, attached by thin threads to the solid ground of responsibility and are blown about by every gust of impulse or imagination. To these people you might seem too cowardly, like you'll flirt with your impulses but never give in fully, play on a Saturday but never blow of the entire work-week to "follow your bliss".

While these Marines and kite-flyers might look down on you for your combination of focus and flexibility, others might be envious. They can't free themselves from a sense that they're not doing enough, or from the equally frustrating feeling that they're not free enough.

And here you are with your accomplishments and your pleasures, getting the job done but also getting your hair blown back as you run with the wind. As far as these people are concerned, you're lucky you've got the best of both of the worlds in which they feel they fail.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

What a great life you have, and a great attitude to boot. You know when to buckle down and push ahead to get the job done, and you do it well. You know when to lay the tools of your trade aside, grab your kite and head for the meadow where you can run with the wind. Many people will see and admire in you this lovely combination of a person who can focus, but who is flexible enough to know when to let the spirit move you in some new and livelier direction.

It's a life they aspire to, and they delight in seeing it played out in your life. They may ask your advice and turn you into a mentor of the full and balanced experience. They will want to know how you do it, what the costs are, and if you get frightened that you're not working hard enough or playing often enough. They may make you think about your own life more than you have, so you can share it with those who want to emulate this balance between flexibility and focus. They may be correct lucky you!

Introduction to Extraversion

Some days you want to hang out by yourself, not answer the phone, and make the world go away. The next day you e-mail everyone, schedule lunch with a friend, and try to find an evening gathering to take part in. It may be the phases of the moon, or something you ate; some days are just like that. In actuality, your desire to be with others or to be alone reflects something deep in your personality. Some of us are more comfortable by ourselves or with one or two friends, while others of us crave the crowd and can't stand it when the house is empty or the phone doesn't ring. The following paragraphs describe your fundamental desires about being with other people; whether you are generally an outgoing person or more reserved, if you seek adventures with others, if you tend toward assertiveness or kindness.

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
OUTGOING

Words that describe you:

* Friendly
* Gregarious
* Full of Life
* Unreserved
* Kindhearted
* Talkative
* Emotional
* Spontaneous
* Vigorous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

People light you up. In conversations, planning meetings or almost any social situation, you bring your energy and your friendly, outgoing personality into these engagements with other people, and you come away pumped up. You can hardly wait for the next event, as long as other people will be there. And you're good at it.

You know how to communicate. You listen well, the first rule of good communication, and then, when it's your turn, you talk vigorously and with animation; in your uninhibited way you give all that you've got to the encounter.

In situations where you feel very safe, when you know and trust the people you're with, you can be very kindhearted and unrestrained. You let your affection for and pleasure in being with others flow freely. You're wide open And when you get back this same kind of unrestrained warmth, you are deeply satisfied. Because you are so friendly and full of life, these are among your favorite moments.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

As much as you like being with other people, not everyone will like being with you. Hard to believe, but your gregarious and warm manner is not everyone's cup of tea. Some people are more cautious than you in personal encounters; others think the work place should be more formal, more impersonal than is comfortable for you. Still others, who may want more of the spotlight, will find you too much to compete with once you get your lively and outgoing self in motion.

Here's another word of caution. You've been at this warm and open way of relating for a while, but for some people it's a brand new experience. They may be protecting something inside themselves, some fear or guilt or shame, or some private part of their story that they're not yet ready to share. Your openness might threaten them, and they'll take a step back and be reluctant the next time to engage you in the kind of exchange you find so easy and satisfying but they find so dangerous.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people, most probably, will be glad to be in the room you're in. At work you make the environment livelier and the banter more interesting, so the time moves swiftly and the experience is a happier one. At home you keep everyone connected because you engage each of them in the conversational action, and as a result they are more connected as well with one another. You make home a warmer and more interesting place for everyone who lives there.

You might also be helpful to some people. There are those who need to talk but aren't very good at it. They don't know how to begin the kind of conversation that would allow them to share whatever is in their personal stories that they'd like or need to talk about. You could make that easier for them with your way with words. Some people just need an example and a little encouragement to come out of their shell and get into the greater fun and personal connectedness that will make their lives so much more satisfying. Again, you might be just the right person to make that happen for them.

So almost everyone will be glad to be with you, you make life more interesting for those you live and work with, and you could help some of your friends who need just a little encouragement to open up and find in themselves the kinds of energetic and warm connections that you thrive on. Not that you are a pushover; in fact, you are often quite assertive. In taking care of yourself you also make sure that others are engaged and energized.

Posted by: Stevie at 03:08 AM

Comments

Posted by: Catfish at December 24, 2006 04:36 PM (ACOeP)

Posted by: Stevie at December 24, 2006 04:57 PM (hJ7+A)

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