My first Acidbath...
And now for something completely different... I used to work the night shift all by myself at the largest dairy farm in South Jersey. My hours were anywhere from 5:00/7:30pm til 4:30am/noon, depending on what was happening in the morning. I worked there for 5 years. During that time, I learned a few things. Not the least of which were "25 ways you can tell you've been dairy farming too long". (I came up with these during the course of a shift one night and wrote them down that morning.) 1. Everytime you go to touch your wife's boobs, you expect her to kick at you and shit on the floor. 2. You begin to refer to women as "two-titters". 3. You serve dinner from atop a tractor. 4. You 'sweep' the floors in your house with a power hose. 5. You feed your infant with a calf bottle. 6. You keep trying to check glasses of milk for mastitis. 7. Any time you see a 3 or 4 digit number, you know exactly which cow it is. 8. Your kids use paint sticks instead of crayons in their coloring books. 9. You find yourself using the 3-wheeler to get from the couch to the bathroom. 10. You hear yourself refer to your bedroom as "the breeding pen". 11. Your kitchen becomes known as "the feed lot". 12. When the co-op, vet/Animal Medic and Dairy Service are listed BEFORE 911 on your emergency numbers list. 13. The Animal Medic rep is your family physician. 14. When, if YOU have the runs, you call it "Jhonies"- if your KIDS have them, you call it "scours". 15. You start coming up with interesting crafting ideas involving cow shit. 16. Your kid takes milk weight charts and mastitis samples to school for show-and-tell. 17. Seeing a woman with big hooters makes you think only of potential milk production capabilities. 18. You start referring to your pecker as a "breeding needle". 19. You think the alphabet has only four letters-A, B, C and D. 20. Math involving numbers greater than "4" gives you a headache. 21. You own two pairs of barn boots-'every day' and 'dressup'. 22. You have formal portrait photos/glamour shots taken wearing a semen company baseball cap. (I did this one
myself...) 23. You think that "Playboy" is published by a man named Hugh Heifer. 24. You think that Sandra Bullock is a male bovine with a dumb name. And, finally- 25. You refer to your in-laws as "the herd".
Obviously, these will make more (twisted) sense to someone with a dairy farming background, but, there are a few that are pretty general. If anybody wants to know what the heck I may be talking about in one of the lines, feel free to ask.
And, if anyone would like to know if I'm at all dain bramaged, that would be a "yes". I'll be back...
Peace
Comments
1
There was, back in the early 1970's, a dairy farm right near where I attended college. They ended up closing the dairy but the manure processing plant kept a-running.
On a moist day, the smell of cow shit was pungent in the air. Made you really want to study, that did.
On a moist day, the smell of cow shit was pungent in the air. Made you really want to study, that did.
Posted by: Elisson at October 22, 2006 05:51 AM (8A66n)
2
Forgot to mention - this was in central New Joisey.
Posted by: Elisson at October 22, 2006 05:52 AM (8A66n)
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