What is it I'm waiting for?
To die?
Someone to come along and DO something?
ME to do something?
And, do what ABOUT what?
I'm assuming I was in a bigtruck. I remember having to climb down out of it.
I liked whoever it was I was with, though I don't know who it was.
I just remember seeing "home", twice, and being slightly amazed at how quickly we'd gotten (t)here. Then, there was another male person totally unrelated to the truck and miles.
A guy my mind is now relating to Hugh Hefner or my Grandpop, looks-wise.
Whomever he was, I was either working for him or I loved him because I wanted to do things for him... making sure he was fed, rubbing his feet, shit like that.
But, he had to go somewhere. I don't remember where.
But, I do remember telling him to expect to be asked about me rubbing his feet when he got back, since he didn't have time before he left. Then, again totally unrelated to anything else, there was some heavy-set, nice, chick with her hair in an upswept hairdo and jeans and a sweatshirt who was heading out to open the gate to the horse pasture with a hammer or something.
I think it was stuck.
Then, she comes alllll the way back to remind "us" (whoever "us" was, me and who?) that the tickets to the concert (or whatever) were nailed to the fence. Yeah.
Okay. Then, I was in the bathroom in this house with somebody, another guy I think, and he had a black speck on his nose.
So, he squeezed it, like a blackhead, and a 6 foot string of tan, star-shaped, stuff came out. Like his nose pores were a Play-doh Fun Factory with what looked like refried beans in 'em.
And... it was no big deal. Then, I woke up having to pee.
So, I got up, did that and now... here I am, feeling like I'm waiting for something but not knowing what. And, no... I did no drugs, drank no moonshine, ate nothing exotic, nor did anything weird before I went to sleep. And, no, I'm not feeling depressed, upset or anything else.
Just curious.
Wondering what the HELL that was all about and if I am waiting for something to happen to get me in gear.
Or what... I don't know. Only thing I'm aware of that I may be "waiting for" is me to get a job.
BUT, I'm not doing that til I get my tooth problem taken care of (which IS in the works), because what sense is there to get a job then expect to be able to be off for a coupla days while they fabricate the partial?
'Cause there ain't no way in HELL I'm goin' ANYWHERE without it.
Know what I'm sayin'? The comedian who lives in my brain said that, maybe I'm "waiting" for these dudes around here to make another mess that I can clean up, but that's not it. (Wiseass...) And, the "waiting for WHAT" feeling is fading, the longer I'm awake....
(And, for the record, the house is still in pretty damned good shape from when I cleaned it "for" the Boss the other day, amazingly enough.) Well, anyway... if anybody interpets dreams, I'd be interested in what any of that may "mean". In other news... I did a pissed off post the other day about that idiot Jose and have decided I must be a racist because, thanks to him, I hear myself muttering "fuckin' useless Mexican" about 32 times a day. Then, I thought about Cheech, Chong, Selena and the other Mexican guy who works here and I don't hate them.
Just Jose.
A LOT.
Liiike... "calling the INS on him", hate him.
Or the cops.
Or making sure the Bosses one son who already doesn't like him knows he offered me COKE the other day and I don't mean a soda. I told him, "Fuck NO, I don't want any of that shit. I don't, never have and never will mess with that shit. Bad karma."
Then, he starts trying to tell me how there's no weed around and I interrupted him with, "Who asked you? I didn't ask you. I don't care. I can get it myself IF I want it..."
Then he tried to ask me from whom and I cut him off completely with "a guy I used to work with back in Bucks" and walked away pissed off because he's such an ASSHOLE he needs to be deported, let alone fired. Then I came in here, completely pissed, and did this post that woulda made Rob look like Mother Teresa, you wanna talk "racist", and I still wonder why people of certain races go so far out of their way to act like dickbags and make their race look like shit as a whole and why don't the other memebers of these races beat the dogsnot out of them for it.
Anyone?
Bueller? And, I wonder if I am a racist because, once I get fucked over by someone like Jose or I see shit like 9-11, I distrust and want nothing more to do with ANYONE of that ethnicity anymore. You can preach to me all damned day long about not hating ALL "Muslim" people or Middle Eastern people or whatever they are and all I know is that those terrorist fucks have "assimilation" and looking like the guy next door down cold on purpose so you can't tell they're a terrorist til they WANT you to know, so how, and more importantly WHY, should I trust a single one of them? Jesus, man.... I still can't look at a Vietnamese person without an instant of wanting to torture them, shoot them right in the face, for what "their people" did to our Nam Vets when they were POWS.
I hate them, because I know we can't TRUST them.
And, people who go to Nam for vacation?
Traitors.
People who don't give one flying fuck about what those rice-eating retards did.
They may as well wear a shirt that says "Fuck Nam Vets" because that's what going to Nam for any other reason than to exact REVENGE means to me. (whiny, stupid-excuse voice) "Viet Nam is a beautiful country."
Me... No, Viet Nam is a place where our fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands... OUR PEOPLE were maimed, tortured, killed, left to rot and broken. (whiny, stupidER-excuse voice) "The war is over." Me... Oh. Really. IS IT? Why don't you go ask a Nam Vet who got his MIND blasted away if it is.
Go ask a Nam Vet who has spent his life in a wheelchair, ignored by our Government, spit on by assholes and left to linger til he dies, if it's "over". It's not over and won't BE over til we get every single bone of every single KIA, MIA and POW back.
Maybe not even then.
Maybe not til we see that the "good guys" over there have eradicated the shits, the North Vietnamese, for what they did. Have they? Do the "good guys", the ones we were trying to help, do they even try to seperate themselves from the others?
I don't know.
I hate the whole country.
I don't forget, I don't forgive, til they EARN it.
And, since I've not ever heard of anything remotely like that, I have to assume the whole friggin' place is okay with what was done. Same with Muslims or whatever they call themselves. You want not to be associated with terrorists?
Let's see you start pointing them out and doing something about them. You want me to see a difference between you and them, SHOW IT TO ME. Til then, consider yourself untrusted and unwanted and in serious danger.
And, stay the hell away from me. When I lived in Jersey, one night I pulled up to the curb in front of the house I was living in.
My headlights illuminated a "person with black skin" PISSING ON THE HOUSE.
I exited the vehicle and asked, "What the FUCK are you doing?!!?"
He's all, "oh, sorry, man..." and zipped up and fucked off.
I walked in the house, USING THE "N" WORD, saying, "They get all pissed off when they're called a "N", yet they act like THAT..." Someone explain that to me, please. If you don't want the label, don't act the part. How fuckin' hard IS that? And, it seems to me that if your entire RACE is denigrated half to death, you do NOT add to it by being an asshole.
IF you really give a damn, anyway.... And, if you don't care enough not to add to the reasons why y'all get called those things, then you don't have any right to get all "reactionary" when y'all ARE called those things. Now, I don't harbor actual, active, HATE for these people... except the terrorists... just disgust, derision, disdain and I wouldn't care if they got blown away in front of me nor would I piss on a ONE of them if they were on fire.
(Assholes in general, I mean... especially the ones who cause the name-calling, know it, don't change, then get all pissy when they're called (on) it.) So.
Am I a racist?
Or am I just sick and frickin' tired of the unadultered BULLSHIT and the hypocracy of it all? Nobody gets to have it both ways. Either they're what they're called and are treated like or they ain't.
So, which is it, y'all? (Them, not you guys...)
Are you decent, good people or a buncha uncivilized, not-worth-it, HIGHLY EXPENDABLE pieces of shit? Pick one.
And, stick to it. And, until you do, like I said... stay the hell away from me. If I can't trust you, then I don't like you and if I don't like you, I can be VERY unpleasant.
And, if I'm made to be "unpleasant" long enough, I get enraged and therein lies the danger.
Because if I were to ever become enraged to the point I lost control, Christ only knows what the end result would be.
That's the entire reason I've never allowed myself to get into fight in my life.
If I ever start hitting somebody, I already know I won't stop til it's entirely too late.
I truly WOULD beat somebody to death.
And... not give one good Goddamn. (Which, by the way, is just about where I am with this idiot Jose and this is also the catalyst for this whole line of thought... and this part of this post.) And, have I mentioned that Jose is about 5 foot nuthin' and I could take him without even breakin' a sweat?
Well... he is and I could.
I just keep telling myself "He's not worth prison time for murder, he's not worth prison time for murder", which is wearing REAL THIN. Truth be told, Jose isn't even worth a five dollar fine for assault, but, I've GOT five bucks so that line of reasoning would never work, so I go the whole nine with ... "prison time for murder...", lest I ACT on it and then try handing a cop a fiver. *several minutes and a cleansing breath or two later* Whew.
Such a relief to get this outta me...
And no, I'm not sitting here all pissed off... not now, anyway.
I was when I did that other post yesterday, though.
Literally thrumming with rage.... then. Now? Now, I'm fine, all cooled off and seriously wondering if I've turned racist. Not that I think "white people" are superior.
God knows there are pa-LENTY of white-skinned morons, assholes and losers around. I'm just getting thoroughly sick of certain people's stupid behavior and their wide-eyed, "innocent" "Whaaaat?", when they're made to pay for said bullshit behavior. Now I've got the Baretta theme in my head... "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime..." If you don't want to be called bad things, be a GOOD person. And, if members of your "family" act the fool, either make them pay for it yourselves or get the fuck outta the way and shut the fuck up when someone else has to come in and do what you can't seem to do. "We" do it.
Tim McVeigh was a white, middle-class kinda guy, an American.
He was also a flaming asshole and "we" killed him for it. See how it's done?
Any questions? In our quest for "diversity", we've totally lost sight of the good in making people "conform"... comform to the rules of society, to not fly planes into buildings and piss on buildings and to know what a job and a Boss is and how to talk to them and act like human beings. And, if making people "conform" is such a horror, somebody oughta call all the armed services and tell them that, because that's what they do.
They make everybody not only BEHAVE, they make 'em all look alike, dress alike and talk alike.
Not that we civies need to go that far, but, for fuck's sake... ANY of "that far" would be an improvement these days. Besides, being called names, being "picked on" when you act like an ass... alla that is supposed to be for the good of the person it's being done to, to teach them not to stick out like a hemmoroid and to be good, or better, people, isn't it? Isn't that why the fuckups in the service, like that guy "Pyle" in Full Metal Jacket, are "picked on" by DIs like Hartman? Isn't that why parents USED TO beat the ass offa kids with shitty behavior?
To teach 'em to do good? God.
I'm so worn out with this shit, so confused anymore. All I know is that I'm glad I'm 43 and will die someday soon because I do NOT wanna be here when this bill we're running up is delivered as a "Final Notice". Not to mention the fact that the idea of the idiotic "young people" we have these days being "in charge" makes me wanna eat a bullet all on it's own.
Can you even IMAGINE the hell this country is gonna be by the time today's helmet-wearin', soft, being-taught-to-be-brainless-pussies-by-their-parents people come into power? Now, THAT'S horrifying. Not "conformity".
Not FORCING those who require force to behave.
Not punishing those who go way to Goddamned far. Those things, and other "philosophies" like that, are all that can save us from ourselves. But... that ain't gunna happen. And, it's probably already too late even if people were to go back to it now. But, it sure as hell wouldn't hurt to TRY IT, now would it? Now, pardon me while I continue to NOT hold my breath waiting for THAT to happen, okay?
And, if any of you guys have any answers to any of this, please for the love of God, feel free to enlighten me. Peace
(What a concept...)
And, don't forget...
I still wanna know if I've become a racist or just an offical "get the hell off my lawn" old fart.
Comments
Posted by: tl at September 28, 2006 03:50 AM (Vajdd)
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