Allow me a touch of "drama" for a minute...
Yeah, I'm cleaning.
I'm also listening to (try singing with) Jesus Christ Superstar again.(I know I listen to it a lot. Some of it just gives me goosebumps on my arms and legs, I like it so much.) Anyway, I'm listening and, as usual, I hear bits of lyrics that could easily apply to Rob.
Maybe someday I'll say which ones. Meanwhile, I have this, from JCS, to try to illuminate my struggle with all of this.
Like I intimated, it may be a bit more than I really need in totality, and not every word fits perfectly but... it'll work.
Overall, it captures the essence rather well. And, please excuse the religious overtones, my "St. Rob" complex notwithstanding...
I don't know how to love him,
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes, really changed.
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else. I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man, he's just a man.
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways:
He's just one more Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love - let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this -
What's it all about? Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so. I never thought I'd come to this -
What's it all about? Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know -
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.
Not every one of her/my questions requires an answer... "Should I bring him down?", for instance.
That answer is "no". Then, up to, "I'd turn my head, I'd back away, I wouldn't want to know", it's fine. But, about that... I'd never turn my back on Rob.
I know that. And, the only other line I want to qualify or correct is "I want him so."
Only thing I wanted about Rob was for him to be happy and to always be around somewhere in my life. I can rightfully be "accused" of having many strong feelings for Rob, ranging from pride to respect to love, but it was never about trying possess him or being "in love" with him or wanting to get naked. Except for those coupla things, that song puts into rather eloquent words where I am right now. I really don't know "how" to love Rob. Like my hero?
Like a flawed man with many demons?
From a distance that I still haven't gained?
All up close and emotionally, the way I always have? The only way I am sure of how to love Rob is "a lot" and as one of the most positively influential people in my life. But...
Willy's got me thinking. And, instead of concentrating on that part of Rob's heart that I know so well, I'm trying to pull back and see more of who he was. Maybe I can see some of that other side.
If I look carefully enough... I'm trying.
(Trying to figure this out and clean my house and not wig out in the process(es).)
And, every time I come back in here and write some more of it out, it helps.
It's part of the process. And, doing this is one of the most important things I learned from him. I'm tryin'...Comments
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