Well, good...

After I get a post finished, especially one the subject of which is pissin' me off, very often, I feel better.
Most especially if I, or someone else, makes me laugh at something I said or the way I said it.

Perfect example of that happened earlier, in fact.
I was pissed at that asshole, Jose, then Mad Wm.'s comment made me laugh.
Broke the tension.

Other times, the release is delayed for whatever reason.
Usually because I feel something way too strongly to "feel better" about it without a little time.
Time to vent, time to mull over what's left after I rage... if anything.

It seems like since I read "pulmonary embolism", my head has decided (on it's own, mind you) that since it seems like I don't need to be pissed off about how he left, I am instead focusing on another "issue"... (no secret what that is, is there?)

I vented two posts ago (I think) about what's pissing me off now.

That helped.
Gave me room to think.

Then, Jose gave me another reason to rage and expend some more of it, so, in a fucked up way, good on him. (Unless I get my hands on him, that is... dork.)

Then too, it being September 11th and seeing again in technicolor the horror of that day...
That both helped me gain a modicum of perspective and, at the same time, added to the ease with which I launched into that rage this time.

Still, as I moved through this day, getting past Jose, getting a shower, washing my hair, getting my car's registration renewed, having to drive to Hanover and pay attention to traffic to get that done, talking to other people, seeing huge flags at half-mast, hitting the grocery store on the way home, having dinner... I hear me thinking this other shit over, underneath all the surface crap.

I wondered, as I drove down the road, if I'm misdirecting the anger portion of the grief.
I assume the anger is supposed to be directed at he who has gone.
He who has left us (me) behind.
We (me) who have been "abandoned", as it were.

I mean, that kinda makes sense.

Or, I supposed you could get pissed at God, an excerise in futility if I've ever experienced one.
Ya think God gives a rounded-off rat turd if I, or you, or anybody else gets pissed at Him?
I don't.
I think He just raises one eyebrow atcha, sighs, rolls His eyes and goes on to other things.

(I also think He shoots me a half-hidden bird, but that's beside the point...)

Anyway, I started wondering if the anger is misdirected again.

It may well be.

Sad part is, if I'm supposed to get angry at Rob, I'm fucked.

I'm not mad at him.
I'm mad FOR him, but not at him.

And, I know me.
I'm never gonna be mad at Rob.

How could I be? For what?

For having survived so much?
For having produced such a gift as Gut Rumbles?
For being a beacon to me when my life was at it's darkest?
For being a shit-stirrin' little booger?
For being hardheaded?
For dying loving a "woman" without a vestige of humanity in her soul?
(That'd be Jennifer, people...)

No.

I can't be pissed at him for any of that.
Not even for dying like he did.

All of that was just Rob being who he was.

And, I love who he... was (is).

So, no.
Ain't gonna do it.
Don't know how to do it.
Don't wanna learn, either.

I don't want to be like the jackals and concentrate on his bad points and find things to be pissed off at him for and badmouth him about (much like yer basic TROLL does) and overlook, purposely or not, all the fine and wonderful things about the man.
And they were legion.

To me, anyway.

We never had a cross word between us.
We never fucked it up by involving sex.

I accepted him exactly how he was and he accepted me.
100%.
From the start.
Never ONCE tried to change me.
Yet, he ended up having a more profound impact on me and my life than just about anybody else I've ever known.

Do you know how many people have ever done that for me?
Well, I could count 'em on one hand.
With, possibly, a finger left over.
(Wanna guess which one? *grin*)

Anyhoo, I'm "underneath" thinking about this shit and I did kinda figure out that I'm gonna hafta find a way to let this go.
IF I can and IF it's not "letting Rob down" to do so.
If it's not "caving" and seeming to condone the overkill tactics of trolls and that which may even have POSSIBILY added to Rob's pain.

That's where I got stuck.

I felt last time I backed off like I was letting him down worse than he ever did himself.
Turned out not to be true... so far.
In fact, far from regretting it, I'm glad I backed off when I did last time.
SO FAR.

(And, yes, truth be told, I am waiting for the day I will regret it (temporarily) and I believe it's just a matter of time til I do. Hope I'm wrong again.)

Again... ANYWAY...
need to let this go, canNOT do things I perceive as "letting Rob down".
STUCK.
Between hell and my head.

Then, as if he were an emmissary of Rob's, sent by Rob or God, along comes Willy.
"Gotta let it go", he said.

One of Rob's best friends...

Well, goddamn.
If he doesn't think I'd be letting Rob down, and I know he doesn't, then maybe my head is right.
(Whatta concept.)

I need to let this go.

May I be perfectly honest here?
(Especially since I don't know how to be any other way unto my own detriment?)

It'd be a LOT easier to let it go if I could know that they who went above and beyond the call of "every day, normal raggin' on Rob", the ones who dared him, called him a liar (and what is "drama queen" except a two-word, ten-lettered way of saying "liar"?), the ones who cheered on his self-destructiveness if there was to be any... if I could know that those select people were being haunted every day, unable to sleep, eat or stand themselves, if I could know that their every waking moment was utter HELL, that what they said to him was writ large upon every surface they laid their eyes on, maybe then I could quit worrying about it.

Vindictive bitch, aren't I?

I wish I could forget the last thing that Rob ever wrote.
I wish I could forget how completely pissed off he was and at whom.
I wish I could forget the hate, especially the dishonest hate masquerading as love and friendship, that was displayed in his comments.

I haven't looked at them or that update in WEEKS.
Months, even.
And, of those two triggers, the last one I did anything with was the update, which someone had asked to see so I sent it to 'em, but I didn't re-read it.

Don't need to.

The reason I won't ever be able to forget the last thing Rob wrote is because it was smokin' with rage and pain.

And, Gut Rumbles started out his refuge, his outlet, his note in a bottle cast into the sea.

It saved him.

Then, it became an outlet for people to hurt him.

Then, it was piled on when it was needed the least.

I wasn't the only one trying to make the idiots stop that day.
Even Rob told 'em to piss off.

But, they wouldn't stop.

Some of those people were like predators high on the scent of fresh blood.
They weren't gonna quit til they'd gotten him.
That was obvious.
And, those are the people I want so badly to see in the position, the circumstances, the agony that Rob was in.
That they enjoyed seeing him in and adding to.

Heard a quote tonight from Osama Bin Laden.

He said that his people love death and the US loves life and that's the difference between us, why we can never reconcile or come to any "agreements".

Terrorists love death.

Those "people" in his comments were clamoring for Rob's.

I don't see a difference between the two groups.
Sorry.
(About as sorry as Bluto after he smashed that folkie's guitar...)

BUT.... ah, the inevitable "but"...

My hand to God, I hear Paul's voice in my head, getting louder on every repitition....
"This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM to fix. Yo have other things that are your's to own, to deal with, to HANDLE. This is not one of them. Let. it. go. You'll never be able change or even affect all those people. (Ed. note: Paul's too classy NOT to call 'em "people", hence my not hearing them called "assholes" in his voice...) The only one you can change is YOU. So, ya wanna keep swingin' haymakers at the world at large or do ya wanna give it up and do what ya can to and for yourself?"

So, yeah, Willy... I know you're right.
Thanks for confirming that I was, too.
And, thank you for getting me "unstuck" from between hell and my head this time.

I know I hafta let this go.
I just don't know how to.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get through each day, when each day brings the pain back, all shiny and brand new when I re-realize he's gone.

It just can't be for real.
And, if it is, then something or somebody needs to PAY for this theft.
(And, I'm picturing me levelling a BARN, board by board, with my Pusser Club. Not that a barn had a nickle in this, but retribution on that scale is what my heart is screaming for...)
If I could just punch the Universe in the throat for this...

I feel like the world's largest spring, completely compressed, with alla that energy that's gonna hafta be expended some day...

I just wish/hope that when I do release this shit it would just be a soundbarrier-breaking "boing-ing" noise and a buncha bouncing up and down, but somehow I doubt it's gonna be that simple.

This kinda shit is hard enough when there's somebody to blame and punish and ya can't make 'em pay... (Calvin, Jimmy (the assmunch I nearly shot) and a coupla others...)
It's even worse when there's no one specific to blame.
And, hurt back. Make pay. Take it out on.
Ya know?

I've swallowed and eaten a LOT of bullshit in my life.
I had a LOT to "let go" and accept.

But, that a guy like Rob can die and no one has to pay is almost more than I can choke down.

Hope I can.

And now, to try to work off some of this unspent energy, to try to do something constructive with it, I am going to go clean this house, vacuum like a madbitch, then clean the carpets with a Rug Doctor, which I rented at the "sale price" of 11 bucks earlier from the Giant (grocery store) when I was on my way home from Hanover and I'd first realized I am gonna hafta let this go.

Two o'clock in the morning now.
I'll be shampooing rugs by 5, at the latest.

And, as weird as this is, it's better than burning down the WORLD in retribution for Rob.

Okay.
I'll make a concerted effort to remember that.
Hope y'all do, too because a.) I may need to be reminded of this and b.) y'all already think I'm Felix Unger with boobs.

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 02:08 AM

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Posted by: Willy at September 12, 2006 04:13 PM (0xUym)

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