It's not that I was ignoring this, I just didn't know what to say...
Still don't.
Hang in there! YOU have become my regular read since Rob left us...as a beautiful, intelligent woman with the same poetic eye and insightful sense that Rob had of life's irony and weird twists, as well as the small rays of hope and surprise that can be found day to day in the stuff of life, you are doing much to fill the gap that was created when Rob left us, for me as well as others I'm sure! I really enjoy your writing Please Don't give up on blogging, and don't think that Rob is not with you every day in some way watching over you and living through your writingWhile there are parts of that that just flat out make me blush and sputter denials, there are also a coupla things (that I made bold) I hadn't even conceived of that blow my mind. Since I first read this comment and started trying to wrap my mind around it, I've also read three or four of Lewis Grizzard's books... two of which had me laughing out loud... sitting in the bathroom, alone, howling laughter at this guy's stories. Sure, I've read 'em all before, but this time, it was almost like the first time. And, it occured to me, it would be beyond cool to have Gut Rumbles in some kinda book form that I could read laying in bed, in the "library" or out in the hammock, if I felt like it. There is a printer in this house.
Posted by: Vizsladog3 at August 30, 2006 04:55 PM
I think it needs a cord or something. And paper.
Now... if I were to get this cord or whatever, how big a "thing" would it be to print all of Gut Rumbles and bind it somehow and should I wait for Paul to get it moved, cleaned up and back in the original form?
And, how many truckloads of paper would I need? None of which has a single thing to do with the original point of this post, but, damn it... I toldja's I don't know exactly what to say... *grin* I think I wanna say thank you.
I think I see a glimmer of something to live up to in there, like I had with Rob... something to aspire to. I didn't think I'd ever have anything remotely like that again. But, if I can just keep the two "bold-ed" thoughts foremost in my mind (instead of the JCS soundtrack like has been for the last coupla days, or the endless realization that Rob's really gone like has been for the last... EVER), maybe I'll be okay after all.
Maybe my heart will get back into this. Keep Rob with me... with us... through my writing.
That I can grasp.
That I even like. But... me?
Filling the gap left by Rob? Jesus.
Wow. My own "gap" is so gignormous and deep and I can't even begin to fill it for myself, so it never occured to me that I could be doing that for anybody.
But... the thought that I could... well, that seems to have found the bottom of my "gap". I heard it when it hit the bottom, which is a huge improvement over the endless depths of it before. Not that it's not still deeper than the damned Grand Canyon... but it is a relief to finally know that it does have a bottom. And, that it finally has something in it... the beginning of "filling it in and capping it", I guess... that's... just wow. And, in case you're wondering why I'd wanna fill in (like with cement) and cap off the hole Rob left in my life...
Well, nobody can ever take his place. Nobody would ever fit in his niche, in his place, in my heart. Nobody else can be my "first" in this. He was who I found first, read first, followed first, loved first... and it was through him that I met a few really excellent other people.
And, tons of cool people.
And, a handful of troll nutjobs. He was the first in a long time to show me I could trust some people (meaning him, Cat, Paul, Mike, Mike, Bob, Debbie, Ruth, Libby, Chablis.... and probably others not coming to mind right this second and Rob, or just being around Gut Rumbles, also taught me the difference regular people just having a "moron" day and true assholes, a thing I sorely needed to learn in the depths of the depression I was living in at the time.) I don't know anybody else who has been through as much shit as Rob had and not only survived it, but kept fighting on, forward, in the face of it... except maybe Buford Pusser. In my life, I've liked many people, tried to save several people and loved a few people but never in my life life, not here online and not in my "other" world (I refuse to call it the "real" world, because, lem'me tell ya... this shit is real, too, sometimes more "real" than what goes on in person. Rob's passing is more "real" than any triflin' shit my life has thrown my way EVER), have I ever trusted, cheered for and just so completely loved ANYBODY the way I did Rob.
So immediately. He had me 100% completely on his side from the first. And, hell yeah, there were a coupla times when what he was doing to himself was so wreckless, so pain-fueled, it was impossible to watch. But, I never really ever gave up on him. I loved him too much to ever stop believing in him. Still do. He was a lot of things to me that I couldn't be for myself for a loooong time.
A hero, a friend, somebody to respect, to want to live up to, to WIN for... Maybe someday I'll be a few of those things to myself.
I'm working on "friend" first... And, that comment up there... well, if I can live up to it, that is maybe something I could respect, so... I can see a path for the first time in a while.
And, while it may not be lit with Rob's light anymore, he did leave marks and tracks and if I pay attention and apply what he taught me... maybe I can keep going from where he left me off. Since I first read that comment, I have been trying to let, not make, "it" flow again.
Posting about God knows what til I finish it, no discernable destination, just letting my heart, or head, take over my hands and get it out. It's my head when it's a post like the one about Steve Irwin.
It's my heart when I'm talkin' to Rob.
Or about him. (Sidenote about Irwin... Can you say "OW!"? He pulled the fuckin' stingray barb outta his HEART himself and my other thought is, how bad musta God wanted HIS ass back for this shit to have even happened? Barbed between the ribs, right in the heart? JeeZUS. And, I always thought I was the epitome of selfish when it comes to kids with my attitude and all, but, fuck man, not even I would take the kind of chances, and so OFTEN, that this guy did if I had two small kids, for Christ's sake... Ya know what I'm sayin'? I do feel kinda bad for the guy, but it's not like it was totally outta the blue. The 'ray didn't break into his house and barb him in his innocent sleep, ya know. He lost me, even ME, when he had his baby in with that huge crock or gator or whatever the fuck it was besides 14 feet of teeth. Anyway...) Thank you again, Vizsladog3. There's a gift in what you said, the enormity of which I'm only beginning to comprehend.
Update @ nearly 4am...
Okay, now they're saying he didn't pull out the stinger himself .Bet it still hurt like holy hell.
Comments
1
I miss him so much...every day I check his blog, hoping to see something new (by him)
He was my first read...but now you are (Stevie)
I miss him so much....cant express it enough....
Its like a little piece of my heart is gone.....
He was my first read...but now you are (Stevie)
I miss him so much....cant express it enough....
Its like a little piece of my heart is gone.....
Posted by: Ruth at September 06, 2006 02:28 PM (Z+Upq)
2
I don't think it's too much of a stretch to look at your writing as something to complement the A-Man's. People look for honesty. You've got heaps of that.
Posted by: outfoxed at September 06, 2006 03:53 PM (iS0pJ)
3
Thank you both...
again.
again.
Posted by: Stevie at September 06, 2006 04:09 PM (DnCkd)
4
I still can't quite accept that Rob is gone. I miss that cranky old cracker more than I did a month ago, I think. The tears have dried but a great big ole hole in my heart remains.
As far as Steve Irwin...I pretty much feel the same way about him as I did about Rob. I didn't necessarily agree with everything he said or did...but his heart was always in the right place. What you saw was what you got with both of them and that's something I admire in anyone.
As far as Steve Irwin...I pretty much feel the same way about him as I did about Rob. I didn't necessarily agree with everything he said or did...but his heart was always in the right place. What you saw was what you got with both of them and that's something I admire in anyone.
Posted by: Chablis at September 06, 2006 04:30 PM (tMoUV)
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