Hey, Rob?

This still sucks, man.

It's not getting any easier.

The void you left is growing, not shrinking.
Conversely, my interest in this whole thing, blogging, is shrinking, not growing.

I do believe that half... more then half... of what motivated me was you. Getting a comment from you, being linked, being quoted...
I don't know how many times I'd use an odd phrase or twist of words, then see the same thing show up at your place a few hours later.
How many times did we post the about the same abstract thing, unbeknownst to each other til later?
Too many to count, really...

I used to spend hours on here, basically killing time, til it was "time" to go back to Gut Rumbles and see what you were up to next.
Now, I go through my whole toolbar (personal links) in no time and I walk away feeling unfulfilled, still starved and lonely.

Having some of your belongings helps... sometimes.
Other times, it hits me why and how I came to have them and that kills me all over again.

This just plain sucks.
No more new posts.
No more Rob.
No more laughing and crying at nearly the same time, being made to think, re-evaluate myself or learning from the Master of Surviving.

And, in all that time I did have with you, the one thing we never did cover was how to survive without you.
The one thing it seems I need to learn the most urgently...

Blogging without you somewhere out there keeping an eye on me just isn't the same.
It's like going from Oz back to Kansas, like going from driving a NASCAR to a LeCar, like existing not living.
It's pretty much like it was before I found you... lonely, barren, empty, echo-y and still.

God damn.
Ya know?

I miss you.
And, I love you even more than that.
If there is a way to keep going, to love this again, I'll find it.
For myself as well as you.

But, I've gotta tell ya....
It's black as pitch here without your light to show me the way.

I'm scared, Rob.

I thought I was scared when I was scared of losing you... of you dying.
Now that you've up and done it, I know what "scared" means.

It's trying to do this alone.
Without you.
(And, pretty much without Paul too, these days...)

Right now, I'm hoping that my move will help this be new to me again.
It won't replace you... nothing ever will, but the new place, new pictures... it can't hurt.
Nothing can hurt me anymore after losing you.
I'm still too numb.

I swear, losing you, then being sick for so long... I do NOT get sick, EVER, but when I do- lookout. But, this time was insane.... it's changed me.

I feel better now from being sick, but I still feel blah, like "who cares" about most shit.
I'm tired all the time and sitting down here in front of this blinking cursor seems almost like a chore right now.

When I was about 14, I first heard of Nostradamus and heard his predictions.
Well, it scared the ever-livin' fuck outta me and made me wonder what the point even was to try to be "successful" if the world was gonna end before I was dead.

This is about the same.

What's the point of doing this knowing I'll never hear from you again?

I know there must be one, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

"Hate me, adore me, bite me. www.gutrumbles.com Not for the faint of heart."

I see that every time I look up from here.

I'm gonna go with "adore you" and add that the truth never is for the faint of heart.

Maybe the point lies somewhere within "picking up where you left off".
(As if I have the full-fledged chops for that...)

Maybe the point lies somewhere within never letting you be forgotten or denigrated or fucked with ever again.
Or at least trying not to let that happen....

You're my heart, Dude.
Have been for a loooong time and probably will be til a year or so after I'm dead.

What was done to you wasn't right.
How you handled it, survived it, defied it and continued on in the face of it all was awe-inspiring.

I wish you'd known that second bit as well as you did the first.

Losing you has brought me to my knees once again.
I've been here before.
But, I've never tried to stand with such a heavy load before... all the days I have left without you weigh a LOT.
Just knowing you were there... somewhere... anywhere... was such a gift.
I only had the slightest idea when you were here.

I knew then what you were.
But, I didn't know half of it, not really.

I'm learning that now.
Just how much you being on this planet meant to me...

If I could have improved your trip one tenth as much as you did mine, maybe you'd still be here, ya know?
Maybe you'd have found a way...
To live, not have to escape.

There is no escaping this, that much I know.
So, now I have to find a way.
Where you couldn't.
And, without you leading the way.
At all.

*siiiigh*

Only for you, Dude....

Posted by: Stevie at 12:10 PM

Comments

Posted by: Vizsladog3 at August 30, 2006 04:55 PM (2Uhfh)

Posted by: Ruth at August 31, 2006 05:36 AM (Z+Upq)

Posted by: Tuning Spork at August 31, 2006 12:59 PM (dAxz/)

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