An email that turned into a post...

Hey...

How YOU doin'?
I'm okay... so far.

Yeah, I've been associating Gunsmoke with Rob for a coupla/few years, now.
He reeeeally liked that show a LOT.
Talked about it all the time.
I even remember watching a Gunsmoke marathon "with" him once, when he was feeling poorly and watched it on TVLand.
He mentioned it and I tuned it in, too.

I think I mostly just did that that time because he was feeling so sick, like I could somehow connect with him in there somewhere and will him some strength or something.

After that, any time I happen to hear the theme song, I always see him in my mind.

And, now when I watch it, it's "for him", much the same way I'll still, to this day, smoke a doob or drink a beer or whatever, for someone I've loved who died YEARS ago.

I think at this point, I am merely used to there being no new posts.
I also think my heart believes he only quit blogging, not living.

I still get overwhelmed by feelings of massive, all-consuming disbelief when it sneaks in that he really is dead (and hasn't come to see me yet, damn it).
The oddest things trigger it, too.
I never know when or what it's gonna be, but, sometimes, I just wanna... hell, I don't, haven't and probably never will know "what" it is I wanna do, except somehow have the ability to change it ALL.
To "fix" this.
For him.
And me.

Ellison sent me a DVD with Rob's TV news interview on it and I got it a week ago.
There's a picture of Rob on the top of the disk in a shirt I think I have now, playing guitar and smiling BIG.
He's in the sunshine, wearing dark glasses and no hat.
Silver haired, head and face.
I have it sitting about a foot away, in a cubbyhole in the top of this computer desk.
It's standing up, leaning on a mug fulla pens and shit, facing me so I can see Rob simply by averting my eyes.
Don't even need to move my head.
(Same goes for the Gut Rumbles bumpersticker. It's directly above my monitor, pinned to the top front of the desk.)

That DVD?

Haven't been able to watch it yet.

I've thought about it several (hundred) times.
I know I've seen the interview before on Youtube.
And, I know that Steve put a montage of pictures behind it.

That'd be tough enough to not die during, let alone if he added music in the background.

I'm scared.

I love knowing he's right there, but I'm scared to watch this thing.

(Christ... I'm tearing up just typing about it...)

If there's music, it's gonna totally kill me.
As opposed to if there isn't, 'cause then it'll just plain "kill me".

I just had the letters he wrote me from Willingway in my hand yesterday.
They didn't even make me cry the way the idea of seeing him with possibly sad music in the background does.

God, I can't even let myself think about him if I happen to have music playing... unless it's a song like "Crazy Train" or Jimmy Buffet or Skynyrd or the Allman Bros. or other kinds of "southern fried rock", "rock" being the operative word in that sentence.

If I were to think about him while listening to Chicago or the Bee Gees or any number of other songs/artists of the "ballad" variety, I'd hafta die to make the pain stop, I just know it.

However and on the other hand....
When I was younger (and up to and including the guy I dated prior to getting with Eric), I had this habit of, when a guy and I broke up, I'd play every love song I owned, which was considerable.
I had 'em all.
Bread
Chicago
Journey
Heart
Air Supply
Compilation tapes of love songs, 70's songs, etc.

I'd go to my stereo, load it up with this stuff and play those songs and just all but DIE and get it the hell over with.

It could take anywhere from 12 hours to a few days, but, when I came out the other side, I was fine.
Better than in the very first place.
Stayed friends with damned near every guy I ever dated or tried to love.
And, nine outta ten times, I even found something to learn from it all.

I wonder if I could do that again now?

I also wonder if how busy I've been lately, say for about the last week (or, "about the same amount of time the DVD's been here"), has anything to do with my trying to have a "legitimate excuse" (and, how's THAT for an oxymoron?) to not watch the DVD?
I'm too "busy".
Too busy cleaning shit.
Cleaning shit that, yeah, it's nice to have clean, but is NOT life and death.

And, about doing that... lowering my head and "bulling", pushing, shoving, POWERING my way through the heartbreak of losing Rob?

Well, let's put it this way...

For the first time EVER, I'm not positive it'll work.
More to the point, I don't know this time that I'll be able to make it.
Every time before this, when it was just a stupid breakup, I knew it'd work and that I'd survive just fine.

I don't know any of that this time.

I've also never had to even think about this kinda stuff with anyone else I've lost to death.
Everybody else, I got... not "over", but "okay with" sooner than later and even easier as the years rolled by.
So, by theory at least, Rob should be a snap, right?
I've lost more people than I can even remember anymore, I never met him in person, I was AT the funeral...
This should be almost easy to handle.

But, it is NOT.
Not even a little bit.

Quite frankly, losing Rob was like losing every single person I know who has died all at once.
If those hundreds of people all died at one time in a plane crash or something, it wouldn't impact me the way losing Rob has... is. Always will, probably.

Only thing I know for sure is that Rob's not done teaching me, changing me, making me better, yet.

If I do manage to survive ever actually dealing with his death, the revelation, the lesson, the change in it will be so massive... it has to be slow, because it's going to end up being so fundamental, so foundational, such a big difference in me and my life, that if I were to "get it" all at once, it'd be too much.

But, just knowing that there IS something there to be done, to be learned helps me to not have to simply deny the truth, no matter how badly I want to this time.

That, and the fact that when it hurts the most, when my heart is shattered all over again and breathing is a chore and my mind aches with the enormity of it all, I feel Rob too.
Almost like a touch... a hand on my shoulder or on my hair or a warmth that seems to envelope my heart like it's trying to heal it and I know.

I know it's him and that he's here, but I want to SEE him.

Out of the hundreds (literally hundreds) of people I know who've died, there've only been four I wanted with all my soul to see again.
Mike Robbins, my first serious boyfriend.
Walt Borland, my very best friend, ever.
Andy Harris, the other half of me that I lost way too soon.
And, Rob.

I have dreamed of the first three over the years, but I wanna see Rob now.
Ya know what I mean?
Like, the pull to want to hear him is so strong, if I could locate a reputable psychic in the area, I'd take her one of his shirts and a pack of his cigarettes, maybe his glasses, and see what she can tell me.
And now, I'll be keeping an eye peeled for a psychic as I drive around town...
(*grin* I will, I know me.)

Posted by: Stevie at 02:15 AM

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Posted by: assrot at August 08, 2006 04:46 PM (ARCEn)

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