Randy scouse git...
I love you, Micky Dolenz.
And, I had no "Alternate Title" for this... whatever it's gonna end up being, so I went with the original title of the song as a title for this post. Don't know what I'm talking about? Guess that means you've deprived yourself the pleasure of reading Micky's autobiography? Well, don't worry about it.I've read it at least a hundred times, so you're excused. Briefly, Micky wrote a song about being in England and titled it "Randy Scouce Git".
Record company execs vetoed that title and told Micky to come up with an "alternate title". So, he did.
He called the song "Alternate Title". Then, since I couldn't think of an "alternate title", I went with randy scouse git and... oh, never mind... Anyway...
still alive... so far.
still cleaning... things I've never cleaned before the way I'm doing it now.
still smokin'... so much so that my chest feels achey on toppa which, I feel bloated like I drank a whole keg of beer or something, thanks to my little terrorist asshole once-a-month visitor.
still having to contend with other annoying "period" symptoms... only now, instead of an attitude like Animal Mother on speedballs, it's my ankles and feet now.
"Swelled?", you ask.
"Swelled?", I snort back. "They passed "swelled" and entered into "what the fuck, man?" territory YESTERDAY." Gawd, I hate this.
I'm just glad it's not like this every time.
I feel so bloated and stuffed full... of what, I don't know... it's tiring, in and of itself.
Let alone the heat lately. BUT... I've been cleaning things around here that were thought to be lost causes. We have some hard, harsh, icky water around here, apparently.
If the shit it does to sinks and toilets is any indication, we're all gonna die from water-poisoning. Our water is so hard... how hard is it?... it's so hard, it makes the toughest, most hard core inner city youth look like a helmet-wearin', middle-class pansy-ass by comparison. Nothing personal against either of the aforementioned groups of humans...
I'm just sayin'... Not only have I still managed to maintain the house since I cleaned it last week, I'm also doing things that have needed to be done the whole time we've lived here, but I've just never really "seen" them before.
Or, I got used to 'em to looking like shit. Like, I never really noticed how grungy-lookin' my big cabinets in the kitchen are. Like the ones under the sink. And, next to the stove.
They all have white fronts and they all looked like shit. They don't now, though. Fridge is the same way.
I keep the inside clean anyway.
But... I happened to really LOOK at the outside of it and oh my gawd... When was that thing outside playing touch football in mud? Well, okay... maybe it's not that bad, but still... good lord, ya know? But... this ain't SHIT, compared to what I did yesterday.
Or, was it Sunday? Whatever. I don't know what got into me, but, I was in the bathroom, looking at the "all-but-green" sink and toilet and thinking about how GROSSLY INEFFECTIVE most "lime and rust stain removers" really are and suddenly... I had an idea. An idea that worked and that led to a two hour excursion into "I'll-bet-not-even-Joan-Crawford-ever-did-THIS-shit" cleaning hell. I grabbed a paring knife and without any chemical assistance whatsoever (as a cleaning agent, I mean. When you get to what it was I actually did, you'll see the dire need of other kinds of natural-yet-still-chemical assistance...), I used the paring knife to literally SCRAPE all that nasty shit off.
And "out of".
As in: "off" the sink, and "out of" the toilet bowl. I know, I know... believe me, even I'm making a face, but, it wasn't that bad. I kept flushing it, believe me. You oughta see 'em now.
Gleaming softly white again, like brand new. I didn't tell the guys that I was gonna do it.
Hell, I didn't even KNOW I was gonna do it til I was doin' it. It was worth it just to see the stunned looks from the guys as they saw it.
Kinda like the look that was on Robert Kardashian's face as OJ's verdict was announced.... Now, I'm about to run to the store again.
Just need a few things, plus I hafta go to "Sheetz" and get dip.
Skoal and Cope, not clam and onion. Then, I think I'm gonna come home and try making real baked mac & cheese for the first time ever.
Gonna make two of 'em.
One with cut up keilbasa (like in the low-country boil) in it and one without. Oh and two more boys made the "kitty fixin' trip".
Sent three, but only two were done as the third one, Ozzy, the cat who always wants to be peein' in the sink which is why he now lives outside, yes HE, has an infection in his eyes and some kinda bump inder his tongue and he's now got kitty meds I have to administer for the next ten days. So, if blogging gets light starting today, you'll know, or be able to imagine, why.
It's reeeeally hard typing with your hands and arms swathed in bandages as the kind ya end up with when trying to administer ANYTHING to a cat, let alone eye drops/goo and some kinda liquid you have to squirt into his mouth. Well, now... that's what I coulda named this post, then... Dead Bitch Typing. Ah, screw it.
I like Micky's title. Anyway... guess I oughta go to the store.
Need to remember to stop and water the horses on the way home, too.
We've got 'em in the barn, with the fans on, it being so brain-cookin' HOT.
So, I've got to remember to stop and give 'em more water and a little hay, maybe. I'll be back later.
Y'all take care. Peace
Comments
1
Glad to hear you're doing OK, even with your 'guest'.
Got the pics yesterday. Holy shit woman, that's great farookin' hair! (The rest ain't bad neither!!) Although I'm gonna have to rinse my brain with bleach after that pic of Eric.
Will scan as soon as I have a couple minutes, & get 'em back to ya.
P.
Got the pics yesterday. Holy shit woman, that's great farookin' hair! (The rest ain't bad neither!!) Although I'm gonna have to rinse my brain with bleach after that pic of Eric.
Will scan as soon as I have a couple minutes, & get 'em back to ya.
P.
Posted by: Light & Dark at August 02, 2006 09:53 AM (I58Kg)
2
For me to medicate a 1,000 lb horse; no problem.
For me to meicate a 7 lb cat; forget it.
Cats are the worse to have to do stuff like that to.
For me to meicate a 7 lb cat; forget it.
Cats are the worse to have to do stuff like that to.
Posted by: Maeve at August 02, 2006 10:41 AM (b/7xM)
3
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on it to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little @#$%&*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
As far as a cat peeing in the sink goes, thats often a sign of a urinary tract infection, as the cool sink makes their PEE-SHOOTER feel better (as they press against it) And being that he's a male cat (and could end up with a blockage due to urinary tract infections/crystals) you might want to have him checked. Urinary tract issues in male cats can be fatal if left untreated. I am not saying thats what he has, I am just saying you might want to make sure he DOESNT.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on it to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little @#$%&*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
As far as a cat peeing in the sink goes, thats often a sign of a urinary tract infection, as the cool sink makes their PEE-SHOOTER feel better (as they press against it) And being that he's a male cat (and could end up with a blockage due to urinary tract infections/crystals) you might want to have him checked. Urinary tract issues in male cats can be fatal if left untreated. I am not saying thats what he has, I am just saying you might want to make sure he DOESNT.
Posted by: Ruth at August 02, 2006 11:06 AM (Z+Upq)
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