Thirty days...

If this is "rehab" to get me past the addiction, it's not working.

Thirty days that simultaneously have whipped by, yet seem like forever, so far.

I can't believe he's been gone a month, yet it feels like it's been years since I last hung out at his place, shootin' the shit, laughing, loving and occasionally kicking some troll's ass.

Thirty days and mostly what I've done is gotten myself totally ass-backward again, as far as sleeping habits.
Among other things...

For instance, I just got up a while ago.
Went to bed aroooound... what? 2? 2:30pm?

I sleep fine, but...
I'm totally opposite everybody in my house.

And, it's only as of today that I may have finally gotten myself back as far as the way I like to keep the house.

I thought I'd gotten back to it a coupla weeks ago, but... I was fulla shit.

I cleaned the house, yeah, but then I just kinda fell apart again and let it go again.

I don't know what it is I've been doin', but it isn't "being healthy".
It isn't being who I was "before".
And, not that he's not being taken care of, but I haven't even laid eyes on Bo in I don't know how long.
I mean... it IS too hot to be riding during the day, but... as much as him just being there means... I just haven't been motivated, moved or whatever to drive down there.
Eric's been sprayin' 'em and puttin' 'em in and takin' 'em out and alla that.

I do go buy the shit for 'em, from the fly spray up to and including carrots, but beyond that... I'm on empty.
Same as I have been so far about the house.
And being on anywhere NEAR the same schedule as everybody else who lives here.

Thirty fuckin' days....
Thirty days without Rob.
And, it's only the first thirty days of the rest of forever.

I still can't believe this shit.

Oh, and I did get the shower, wash my hair and even shaved my legs.
Then, I did go to the store, came home and baked a cake.

Maybe now I'll go on and put the nailtips back on.

So, it's not like I'm not trying, it's just the hardest goddamn thing I've ever done, this still being alive when Rob isn't anymore.

It just doesn't seem very fair to/for either of us.

He shouldn't be gone already and I almost hate being here knowing he's not there, ya know?

So weird, so hard, so vital that I learn how to do this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey Rob....

I miss you, man.
It still hurts... a lot.
I'm sitting here now with my eyes filled with tears again.
They haven't fallen and if I'm lucky, or maybe good, they won't.

I don't wanna let you down in any way.
Not by going on and not by NOT being able to go on.

God, this sucks.

Dude, you were one of the best, closest, most trusted, friggin' HEROIC friends I've ever had.

I spent so long searching...
Looking for something in my life that I couldn't define.
Needing strength, someone I could trust not to ever change on me, someone to look up to... someone awesome to LIVE up to, to make proud of me.

Then... I found you and man, you quite literally saved me.
Saved my sanity, saved my life and saved me from myself.

I loved you from the first day I read you.

Your honesty, your balls-to-the-wall way of expressing your pain, confusion and OUTRAGE, was incredible.
As was the size of your heart and the amount of love you had in it for certain people and things.

I spent the first year and a half reading you and being awed, intimidated and intrigued and ultimately ended up following you out of hell.

Now, I find myself in another kind of hell.
Unmapped this time, with no footprints, no trail, not even a faint light ahead to follow, like I had last time with you to lead the way out.

I've been asking myself what it was you'd have been saved FOR, had anyone gotten to you in time.
To still be in tremendous pain, to have to keep watching Jennifer screw you every way she could think of, to have to watch the IRS screw you, too? What?

I think that's my feeble, lame-assed way of trying to convince myself that this is all for the best or something.
And, now I can't help but wonder what it is I'm trying to leave this hell to get to.

And, all I can come up with so far is: the rest of my life without you again... the way it was before I found you?
God, please, no.
If that's all it's gonna be, I don't think I wanna do this, ya know?

I needed you so much, loved you being in my life so much and had sooo much more to learn from you... how do I do this now?
What's the point?
WHERE is the point?
Where does the path outta here lead, besides to my life without you again?

I don't want that.
I wasn't wantin' before, either.

But, WITH you, it was different... BETTER, there was a POINT to it.

Now what is there?

I hafta struggle harder, forge the stupid trail myself, to get out of this particular hell and for what?

To emerge on "the other side" and not find you there, waiting with a grin on your face, proud of me for having made it?

Well...
just FUCK.

Yet, I still know I have to do this thing.

Life without you is hard and it mostly sucks, Rob.

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this, but I also know I am "supposed to" do this.

I just wish I could see the "why" of it as clearly as I did when I had you to follow, ya know?

I miss you.
I love you.
And, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that one of the most important ways I have left of not letting you down is to do this.
To make it out again.
To figure out how to love my life all over again.

Living it ain't so hard, because it does keep going on, whether I like it or not, dragging me along with it.
*snort*

I suppose that's actually a good thing, seeing as to how I don't have the strength to do it myself FOR myself just now, but, damn.

You are still welcome... wanted... needed... in my life.
Come see me any time.
I won't be scared of that.
I WANT that.
Whenever, wherever and how ever you wanna do it.

I'll never be closed off to you.
I don't think I'll ever not need you.
I know I'll always love you, Darlin'.

And, I'm forever grateful for having gotten to know you at all.

Even if losing you is all but killing me.

"Coulda missed the pain..."

Yet, you made it so worth it.

"But I'd have had to miss the dance."

And, it was the most incredible music I've ever danced to.

I'm straining to keep hearing it, so I can "make it out" again.
Sing louder, could you please?

Don't make me do this alone.
I'm not ready yet.
Okay?

I had to give up my Dad before I was ready and I can't do this again now.

There IS no "other Rob Smith" to find in the first place.
And, I don't have another twenty-some years to waste, searching.

I'll always love you, Rob, and I think... I believe... I have to find a way to let this love get me through this... get me outta this.
If the pain ever abates enough to let me.

Posted by: Stevie at 09:16 PM

Comments

Posted by: Mad William Flint at July 26, 2006 10:16 PM (irwyS)

Posted by: Stevie at July 26, 2006 10:31 PM (oXGHD)

Posted by: Sandy in NC at July 27, 2006 08:53 PM (A1VNG)

Posted by: Dawn at July 29, 2006 05:32 PM (ZJsIz)

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