Rage... mini tsumanis of rage...

Yeah, you can go your own way, you shitheads who gave me so much shit about Rob before and since.
Alla you childish fucks goin' on everywhere but HERE about the things I said and did... and have YET to do.

I understand that anger is a part of "regular" grief, but, I'm here to tell ya's all that RAGE, whitehot, fuck-you RAGE comes with losing a man like Rob then being taunted, lied about and fucked with.
Like y'all did me "behind my back", ya wusses.
Like y'all STILL haven't yet had the balls to do to my face.

Y'all planted the seeds about a month ago.
Hope you like whatcha's all reap from it.

I've been doing my level best to ignore it, but, it's not WORKING anymore.

Especially not when I get the wrong person asking me to send 'em the muti-post, hundreds-of-links "story" I followed and KNEW all along, then put together in one less-than-six-months form.

I knew what the fuckin' story was. All I wanted to do was see if I was correct.
And, I was. Still am. Even found out a few other little tidbits I hadn't seen before.

Just thinking about even LOOKING at that thing again pissed me off.
And, I know really looking at it, proof-reading it, re-packaging it in email form would send me to places I fear to tread, let alone YOU should piss yourselves thinking about me in that frame of mind.

Then, when I see what I think is the REAL reason somebody would want it... well just DAMN.

Let me clear up a few things right now...
Maybe put this shit to an END before I hafta get fuckin' serious and slam a coupla assholes...

Yes, I did do it.
Yes, I do have it.
No, I wasn't just fuckin' with ya.
No, I haven't published it YET because I am TRYING to be NICE (okay, make that a cross between polite and the first definition of politic) here, though WHY is becoming increasingly harder to answer lately.

I keep thinking about certain assholes who felt it their business to try to CONTROL ME and it really pisses me off sometimes.
I keep thinking about the shit I read, the shit I SAVED, the shit I KNOW and ... jesusfuckin'GOD, give me strength.

I was so fucked up from losing Rob a month ago that I just went the way of "least resistance" when I couldn't take any more shit from you pretentious dickbags.

(And, lest any of the decent, REAL people who've contacted me think I mean you guys... hell NO. The motherfuckers who I mean KNOW who I mean, don'tcha's?)
Yeah ya do.

Dickheads who've never been here, commented or so much as pretended to know who I am all of a sudden think they're gonna run things.. control me... have a right to say a fuckin' THING about how I feel about whom and what I'm gonna do about it.

Not EVEN, you sorry sacksa shit.
Not EVEN.

You didn't "beat" me.
You haven't "won".
All you did was wear me the rest of the way out.

But...
guess what?

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!
Dealing from rage-fueled STRENGTH now.

Wanna PLAY, do ya's?

BRING IT ON, THEN.
Let's see how goddamned brave you assholes are NOW.

Only this time, have some balls about it... don't go trying to find yourselves a safe little hidey-hole, some stupid comment section somewhere I won't be, and have at it again.

Come say your shit to my face, if you believe in it so much.

And, just so ya know... I'm not even overtly pissed off right this particular second.
Just being bluntly factual.
Kinda hard to be pissed with Fleetwood Mac blastin' into yer head.

This shit is more real than that.

It's been inside of me all this time.
Feeding on your hypocrisy.
Growing.
Hardening.
And... I've known it all along.
Enjoyed the knowledge of it, even.

Born of love for Rob, fed by your arrogance and ignorance and your bullshit.
Fueled now by rage.
But it's a calm rage.
An empowering, can-wait-some-more, boundless rage at YOU.
A boundless, yet not constant, rage that would do me more harm than it will you if it were.
It's not manifested 24/7, but when it does come, it is immense, all-encompassing.
A rage that'd make Billy Jack look like a pacifist.
That you created and begged for.

Fine with me.
I can handle this and then some.

You guys wanna tell yourselves and each other and anybody who wants to believe it that I'm crazy, go right ahead.
Have a good goddamned time.
But.. you're only jerkin' yourselves and each other off.

Hell, I wish I WAS crazy... like in "not guilty by reason of insanity" CRAZY.
That'd make this shit a LOT simpler.

And, if I really was any less crazy than that definition, it'd also be easier because then I could just go along with you assholes who THINK you knew Rob and know me and how I should do things.
Or not do them.

And, don't even try to fool yourselves into thinking I'm the only one who gets this.
I'm not.
Not by a long shot.

There are a handful of people I could send that thing to right now who'd see the truth in it and understand where I am and where I'm coming from and who'd also understand where I'm going with this.

(This CD player is SO cool... if your CD skips, it APOLOGIZES to ya, as if it's IT'S fault... *lol* Never had one do that before... says "sorry" in the LCD window.)

Anyway... alla you douchebags who had sooooooo much fun fuckin' with me before....

Did it make ya feel all-powerful and superior to do EXACTLY what you accused me of doing, yet for a MUCH LESSER reason?
Was Livey dead and you were nearly insane with grief over her untimely death, like I was about Rob? And... maybe still am?
Were you really trying to protect someone who no longer had the opportunity to defend themselves, or were you all just kicking a person who was on her face to begin with after losing a person like Rob?

Are y'all REALLY so much better than the worst of what you called ME?

I don't think so.
Neither do a lotta other people.

The sad part is that alla you people are EXACTLY the ones who'd benefit the LEAST from reading the fuckin' TRUTH because you've proved beyond all reason that you're all the EXACTLY kind of people who understood Rob the least.
And, that he despised the most.

But, you people aren't a TOTAL waste.
As long as you're around, it gives me a good yardstick by which to measure any insanity I'm accused of and believe me... I come up waaaaaay short of y'all.

There's a saying about "preaching to the choir" which is about what me sending the story to the people who'd get it would be.

What I'm sitting here doing right now, besides getting this shit outta me, is "preaching to the deaf, dumb, blind and hopelessly, WILLFULLY stupid".

Which is, besides being good to get it out, also good for a giggle or two, now that I've put it that way.

(And, by the way, we've now switched to SRV's "Brothers" CD... you GO, Stevie Ray!!!)

So, see?
With just a lil' help, I am able to channel y'all's unsolicited HORSESHIT into something constructive.

In fact, that's mostly what I've been learning to do for the last month.
That and learning how to take the high road in being the one to contact Livey in the first place and even APOLOGIZE to her, which is, again, more than any of you losers have had the cajones to do with ME.

Jesus, ya'll are GUTLESS, ain'tcha's?

I mean, Christ, just because you have the strength to apologize to somebody doesn't mean you AGREE with everything they think.
It doesn't mean you have to give up what you KNOW to be true or compromise your beliefs.

It just means you have REAL balls and heart and can do it.

And, for the record, what I apologized for was increasing the load of pain, not for what I believe.

And, this is not a belief I just came up with.
Go take a look at the comments under "I feel better" at Gut Rumbles.
Then, read my June archives and count how many times I warned PEOPLE to back the fuck offa the man before he got pushed too far.
Told them to just STOP.

Then, ask me nice and I'll send his deleted "update".
Then you can see for YOURSELF who did what and who Rob was pissed at.

Also, while your at it, why don'tcha see how many times Rob ever felt a need to jump my shit.
Look HARD, too.
Search every post, every comment, every word.
Take your time.
Pack a lunch.

Ya ain't gonna find one fuckin' time ever.

But, go ahead, please DO go on that snipe hunt, since yer so good at snipin' me.

I'm not wrong.
Not wrong about what the truth was, and IS, from Rob's perspective.
Not wrong about how I feel, what I believe.
Not wrong in how I handled myself in Georgia.
Oh and for the record, assholes, I didn't drink ANYTHING alcoholic while I was there (or since, truth be known) because I thought it was a tad CRASS to do there in the man's parent's backyard, considering his past with the hooch.

I also didn't go out of my way volunteering my beliefs to people.
I spoke to three bloggers and a blogger's wife (Hi, Nancy) and Sam and Stacey AND, only after I was asked to explain why I felt that way.

It was only after I got home and immediately starting seeing shit about myself (incidentally, NOT from anyone I spoke to) that I started to wonder if I was correct and then gathered the proof that I am.

Now... thanks to my trying like hell to ignore alla this, my trying to pretend Rob isn't really DEAD, god damn it, thanks to my trying to move on before I'm really ready to, I have this crap coming out at the wrong times and at the wrong people... TED.

Yes... ROCKET JONES, TED.

I publically lashed out at you the other day and I'm publically apologizing now.

It's not your fault I'm on a hair-frggin'-trigger here.
But, I must also say that I really don't appreciate bullshit comments AFTER the situation was already over with, either.
YOU, I'll apologize to.
"Jen" can stick her head up her ass and twist it, as can the chickenshit who emailed me with the fake email address (as if it wasn't her).
And, if it wasn't?
Well, you can kiss my ass, too whoever you were.

But, you Ted....
I'm not having this shit with you.
It's not you I'm pissed at.
It's not you I'm sick of.
(That'd be Munu having something wrong every 15 seconds...)
And, yeah... it'll be handled in such a way that I'll no longer hafta worry about that shit, fear not.
But, if it hadn't been for you, I'd not have been at Munu way back when, when it wasn't wall-to-wall BULLSHIT, like it is now.
I appreciate having been a part of Munu back when it was cool and new and WORKED CORRECTLY.
I'll love Pixy for the rest of my life for it, too.
But... I'll continue to disparage and hold in contempt those who've wrecked it, too.
And, yeah... I do know it's free.
Maybe somebody should point that out to the ones who cause all the trouble AND who make shitpots of money offa their blogs and STILL suck Pixy dry like the bunch of parasites they are, ya think?

This, being on a hair-trigger shit, blowing up at the wrong people (though no one in my house yet, thank God), not cleaning the house, being all bunged up all the time... THIS is why this shit needs to come out, to be gotten rid of as opposed to letting it build up like I have been. I refuse to let myself die of a massive myocardial infarction like my mother did at my age.

Therefore, it's gonna be expressed and, frankly, I don't give a good goddamn who doesn't like it.

If there's something I've said or DO say that you don't like, that's YOUR issue to have to deal with, not mine.

I know what mine are.
Or IS.

ROB "is".

Outta of alllllll the people I've been dealing with, ROB SMITH is the only one I really care about.

HE is who I "owe", not you dickweeds.

HE is the one who can no longer defend himself.
HE is the one to whom I gave my allegiance lo, those many years ago.
HE is the only one I'll try never to hurt in any way.
HE is the one I'll destroy whomever I have to, to protect.

Know that.
Learn it.
LIVE IT.

And, if you can't handle that... piss off.

Any frickin' questions?

Posted by: Stevie at 02:03 AM

Comments

Posted by: Chablis at July 23, 2006 07:42 AM (tMoUV)

Posted by: Libby at July 23, 2006 03:17 PM (DGO1F)

Posted by: Maeve at July 23, 2006 05:57 PM (b/7xM)

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