Thank you, Jett, Paul, Willy and WC...
Two last night, two this morning.
Jett, thank you for what you said and the way you said it.I had no idea I still had that in me to come out, but, as goofy as this may sound, writing back to you was almost like throwing myself across my Momma's lap and just letting it all out, then maybe dozing off with my head still on her lap, safe, expended and healing... if my dopey mom hadda been that kinda mom maybe I'd know that from experience, but... while I don't know how that is from personal experience with her, I've seen chirr'un do that before and that's how it felt, writing back to you.
And, you're probably younger than me, too... *smile* Thank you. Like I said last night, you came along at exactly the right second and kept me from making this shit worse. Then, just after I'd sent my reply to you, along comes Paul. Boom, boom.. one right after the other. And he, God bless 'im, reminded me of a coupla things and he displayed some well timed, well-deserved and well taken annoyance with my tunnel vision and loss of focus about what really is the most important thing to be done in this situation. He reminded me of those things. I remember typing back, "Oh yeah. I'd almost forgotten that", at one point and I had, I had forgotten a LOT that is more important than this shit I was sliding into. Coolest part was when he told me he hasn't been worn out by my egregious forgetfulness, my poisonous tunnel vision and my every-bit-as-crazy-as-I've-been-convinced-(hell, man, I don't even know now if I oughta just say her name, or use some dopey euphemism for it or what) (ah hell widdit) Livey-is (not that I'm trying to stir shit, I'm trying to make a point about myself, give me a minute) obssessiveness about this thing. Yes, what I just did there was called my own behavior as bad as what I thought her's was. (Notice the past tense there, please. Thank you.) Paul said he's not worn out by it yet and said he'd be there to kick my ass back onto the right path any time I need it. That alone makes me not want to need him to ever again. When someone is that supportive of true health and really cares about ya that much, I, for one, don't want to make that person regret it. So, I broke down, fell apart, let it out, whatever ya wanna call it to Jett, then Paul came along and let the last of my anger just wash over him and be gone. Then, he made me laugh.
A coupla times.
'Cause that's the kinda guy he is. So, I go the hell to bed, a thing I really need to do more often, I think, and here I am, in another new day. Time really does march on, doesn't it? Naturally, I plunked down here and checked email. My two most taken-to-heart ones are from Willy and someone calling themself WC. You guys are both right.
More correct than I can articulate.
It's almost as if y'all were here in this new day to remind me of where I left off last night, lest it had fallen outta my head while I slept. It hadn't.
But, I'm still glad to see what you both said. And, DC... thanks again for the loooong reply.
Between the length of your replies and your "Momma cat" anology, you're more like me than you're probably comfortable with. Now, I'm gonna try to be more like YOU in the way I see Livey. Shouldn't be too hard. Hell, it's very much like the way I saw (see?) Rob. A flawed human being I care for very much that I just wanted people to leave alone already and I don't mean now (though that would be nice *smile*, with myself heading that list), I mean that's the way I always felt when I was in his comments, "defending" him against all comers when he was alive. May not have worked, that, but at least he knew he wasn't alone and he maybe also got the sense of how very much I cared about him and how he felt about stuff.
I hope. What on Earth can I possibly do for him now that would make any difference that I couldn't do when he was alive?
Not much.
And, how much was I able to do for him when he was alive?
Again, not much. So, where does this leave me, where do I leave this? Right HERE. Hell, I need to go back and read MY own words, the things I said right after he'd... passed. Wanna know what my strongest memory of Georgia has been all along? Cat, Nancy and I, walking along the 'gator pond in their back yard, Cat and I still in night clothes, Nancy saying she wished she had a camera for that and Cat, sitting in a chair, fishing for a few minutes in that robe and baseball hat. We saw two black snakes that morning. And, Tyler was runnin' around the yard, "investigating" shit. Cat thought he mighta saw one small 'gator across the way, but it was too dark in that little hollow for me to see it. Not used to looking for 'em either, I'm not.
(Thank God... *giggle*) Worst we have around here are logger head turtles that could probably bite the leg clean off a cow or something. That's bad enough, thanks. But, Cat is what I think of when I see, say or write the word "Georgia". Him and that song by the Bellamy Brothers, "You Ain't Just Whistlin' Dixie".
It's a perfect backdrop for the way it is down there. And, guess what else? Cat, at one point in showing me Savannah, had me within spittin' distance of the "Forrest Gump" bench! I thought that was cool as hell. (Not that hell is exactly "cool", but you know what I mean.) I've gotta find myself again.
I don't know where I've been. I know I was in Georgia and I sure as hail do remember driving home... but where I got to after that is just about beyond me. I've gotten occasional glimpses since then of this house and these people in it, but I haven't yet re-connected to them and this place. Eric is waiting.
Thank God, Eric is waiting. In realizing that, I'm also realizing a few other things. It's hard to let go, though.
But, I really do have to do that. Rob was so much a part of what I do here, the "balls" I have to say the shit I do the way I say it... to feel so passionate about things. But, they are mine, those "balls". He gave 'em back to me, or helped me retrieve 'em myself, when I found him lo, those many years ago.
That was one of the reasons I came to love the guy like I did... do. Whatever. One part of me is wailing "What am I gonna do without him "there" at Gut Rumbles, still lighting the way?" The rest of me already knows... walk on, light the way for ANYone else who needs it, including (and y'all best sit down for this part..) Including Livey. The real challenge here isn't "hating for Rob".
The real challenge is to pick out the love amongst his vitriol and go with that, use THAT to further myself, his memory and anything else it can be used for for the good. Won't be easy, but... if was it was easy, any asshole could do it.
(Yeah, I'm laughing as I type that...) Just talkin' to Eric here, for a minute, and this is what was said... "I'm finally home." "Hmmm?" "Well, I know I got back from Georgia a while ago, but I hadn't gotten "home" til now". "Okay..."
(He understood that and was waiting for me to continue, so I did...) "I feel like I've just spent a week, treading in quicksand. The harder you struggle, the deeper you sink." "Right, exactly..." "And, now I see you people... you, Jett, Paul... you've all been standing on the edge of that pit, offering me your hands to pull me out, but I've been to busy shaking my fist at Livey and sinking... til now. Jett wrote to me last night and I wrote back and it allll came out, then Paul showed up on IM and let me spit the rest of my anger out, then just now, I got two comments, one from Willy and another from some person, WC, and they were both right. Willy says he'll come back and comment again, but never about Rob again and that WC person said "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who the most terrible one of all". They're right. I don't wanna do this anymore. It's killing me and I don't want that. I don't have to have that. I've got you, my animals, all these things, Jr. and George... know what Linda has? Two dogs and cat. She's alone, at home... no wonder she's as torn up as she is. That's no way to have to try to deal with this shit. Hell, that's no way to even try to get past her past. I couldn't have done it alone myself. I'm done with this. I can't do it anymore and more to the point, I shouldn't, even if I could. I'm done and I'm finally home now..." Then, I started bawling again, which I'm still doing, but I'll be fine. I'm home. So is Rob. Now, for the other lost souls...
THAT'S what's important. That's the best way I have to honor the man... to do for others what he did for me.
Not to do TO others what his trolls (and no, I do NOT mean Linda) did to him. I see that now... again.
And, if my vision is gonna tunnel on me again, that's the direction it's gonna do it. And, I already know what the first step in that direction is. Thank you, Jett.
Thank you, Paul.
Thank you, Willy.
Thank you, WC. Thank you all for helping me out of the quicksand I was struggling in. And, thank the rest of you who knew all along and saw where the need to struggle was coming from and for understanding what it was about, misguided as it was, and why it was and trying to help me with it. But... before this shit dries and stiffens, trapping me further, I have something I need to do right now, then I need to go clean up and CHANGE and get back to my life, to learning, to being ALIVE, as opposed to simply "existing" in the past. I've done that before.
It's not good.
It's what Rob saved me from.
I'll not turn around and throw that gift from him away and go back to where I was when I found him.
I believe that would be the worst thing that I, or anybody else, could do. That said, when I was talking to Paul last night, I told him I just want to walk away from Xfire for a few days, get some distance from this, some sorely needed perspective. So, I may do that. There's about to be "Bike Week" in Gettysburg, starts today, in fact, I think.
While the idea of being in that crowded-assed tourist trap makes me wanna hurl (I hate crowds), there are gonna be helicopter rides for $30. And, Harleys. Lotsa Harleys.
I think those two things might make being in a crowd worth it.
And, I do have a few cameras I need to "finish" so I can get the pictures developed. And, if I do go to that, I very well may end up having some cool stories about it.
So, maybe I will continue to post without a break.
Maybe not. Either way, hopefully by Sunday, Paul is going to be making an addition to my sidebar that we discussed first before I went to Georgia, then again while I was there. I asked, in my comments, about it and the concensus was "Oh yeah, do it. He'd LOVE that" and so will I. And so, even if I do take a break for a coupla days, I'll be back when that's up. Meanwhile (and I mean this more now than I ever have before)... Peace
Comments
Posted by: Light & Dark at July 07, 2006 03:28 PM (I58Kg)
2
Yeah Stevie...I would think that Rob would agree (that she, LIVEY wasnt worth all this fuss) But that doesnt mean I didnt agree with everything you said about her....she is a wretched person.....
Posted by: Ruth at July 07, 2006 03:30 PM (kqTXB)
3
Third attempt to comment!
Stevie,
That's why we love you. You can dish it out, but you can also take whatever is dished at you and process it without trying to justify your feelings or twist or turn things so people take your side. You honestly consider the different opinions and try to learn from them. It takes a pretty big person to do that, and right now, you're standing pretty damn tall in my eyes.
Stevie,
That's why we love you. You can dish it out, but you can also take whatever is dished at you and process it without trying to justify your feelings or twist or turn things so people take your side. You honestly consider the different opinions and try to learn from them. It takes a pretty big person to do that, and right now, you're standing pretty damn tall in my eyes.
Posted by: Deb at July 07, 2006 04:19 PM (wocRc)
4
The turtles in your pond can do WHAT? Damn!
That was the best post yet. Now it is time to heal. I'm looking forward to seeing Rob's nekkid butt on your side bar.
That was the best post yet. Now it is time to heal. I'm looking forward to seeing Rob's nekkid butt on your side bar.
Posted by: Maeve at July 07, 2006 04:42 PM (b/7xM)
5
You're a good girl, Stevie.
I wasn't friends with Rob and I didn't correspond with him, but I did admire him a lot - warts and all. Despite his flaws, he was a Good Man. I really do believe that.
One thing that struck me about Rob is that no matter how pissed he was, he rarely named names. unless you went DEEP into his comments and followed links (which I really didn't. I was there for Rob's writing), you wouldn't really know who he was pissed at.
I'll give you an example. When he put up his "I Don't Do Ceremony" post, where he spoke about the links he no longer reads because the writers pissed him off, I thought that he might have been upset with ME (among others on his blogroll) because of one of my political posts or something.
I didn't know that Livey even existed before Rob passed. That made Rob something I'm sure that he wasn't often described as - classy.
Look, I'm not going to pretend to be a saint here. I'm engaged in a jihad similiar to the one you've had against Livey - except that I've gone a LOT further than you have. But the circumstances are a little different. That's neither here nor there. I understand and empathize with your feelings. More than you know, I do.
As addicted as I am to the freakshow, and as curious as I am about really happened (and I'll ghoulishly admit to both), I'm glad you're taking this road. You've already made Livey famous enough. For good or ill, she's known to thousands of people who wouldn't have ever heard of her had Rob not left us.
Given what I've read, I can't imagine that Rob would want that. I can't see how he'd want someone he supposedly tried to escape in life forever tied to him in death. I doubt that you want to make her the Colonel Tom to his Elvis.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is aching to see what your research brought up. But if that's what Rob wanted, he would've done it himself. By all accounts, he had six months to do it and he didn't. I think we all know that he wasn't shy.
I don't think we remember Rob by building on Livey, the most incidental part of his life. We build on his legacy by forgetting her completely. In a sick way, we almost celebrate Rob's relapse by making Livey, who brought it up in the first place, an issue.
I hope that I'm not out of line by suggesting this, but if you erase Livey, you can erase that last bad part of Rob's life that he wanted to stay private.
You can start that here, Stevie. Go back over your achives for the last week and replace "Livey" with "....." Erase her from your life as Rob couldn't from his. If you don't want Quinton to know about her, you'll do that.
Everyone who needs to know what she did knows.
It's time to obliberate her, Stevie. Not litterally, but from our colective memory,
In any event, I'm proud of you for taking this step.
I wasn't friends with Rob and I didn't correspond with him, but I did admire him a lot - warts and all. Despite his flaws, he was a Good Man. I really do believe that.
One thing that struck me about Rob is that no matter how pissed he was, he rarely named names. unless you went DEEP into his comments and followed links (which I really didn't. I was there for Rob's writing), you wouldn't really know who he was pissed at.
I'll give you an example. When he put up his "I Don't Do Ceremony" post, where he spoke about the links he no longer reads because the writers pissed him off, I thought that he might have been upset with ME (among others on his blogroll) because of one of my political posts or something.
I didn't know that Livey even existed before Rob passed. That made Rob something I'm sure that he wasn't often described as - classy.
Look, I'm not going to pretend to be a saint here. I'm engaged in a jihad similiar to the one you've had against Livey - except that I've gone a LOT further than you have. But the circumstances are a little different. That's neither here nor there. I understand and empathize with your feelings. More than you know, I do.
As addicted as I am to the freakshow, and as curious as I am about really happened (and I'll ghoulishly admit to both), I'm glad you're taking this road. You've already made Livey famous enough. For good or ill, she's known to thousands of people who wouldn't have ever heard of her had Rob not left us.
Given what I've read, I can't imagine that Rob would want that. I can't see how he'd want someone he supposedly tried to escape in life forever tied to him in death. I doubt that you want to make her the Colonel Tom to his Elvis.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is aching to see what your research brought up. But if that's what Rob wanted, he would've done it himself. By all accounts, he had six months to do it and he didn't. I think we all know that he wasn't shy.
I don't think we remember Rob by building on Livey, the most incidental part of his life. We build on his legacy by forgetting her completely. In a sick way, we almost celebrate Rob's relapse by making Livey, who brought it up in the first place, an issue.
I hope that I'm not out of line by suggesting this, but if you erase Livey, you can erase that last bad part of Rob's life that he wanted to stay private.
You can start that here, Stevie. Go back over your achives for the last week and replace "Livey" with "....." Erase her from your life as Rob couldn't from his. If you don't want Quinton to know about her, you'll do that.
Everyone who needs to know what she did knows.
It's time to obliberate her, Stevie. Not litterally, but from our colective memory,
In any event, I'm proud of you for taking this step.
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