Hello life...
Nice to see yer still here.
Feel like I've been gone a year.
Probably has to do with the fact that my mind, heart and soul are finally at peace again. Now, I can finally once again just relax, breathe and be here.
Kinda feels like Rob has relaxed a little too.
I don't have that deep, rumbly, Suth'n-fried voice in my ear telling me "don't you stop, don't let em git to ya, look over here, don't foget that shit..." now. Now, I just feel a smile.
An "I wouldn't have expected you do anything less or different" kinda feeling.
Like he knew all along I'd never let him down or allow him to be remembered some kinda way he wasn't. His words were soooo important to him.
As entertaining as they were, that wasn't the point, entertainment.
He was telling whoever had the sense to see it, who and what he was, how he felt and what he wanted. And, yeah, sure there was a difference between "Acidman" and Rob, but... they were both the truth, both a part of how and who he really was.
What I think is, he put the harder side of himself out there for "the world" to see, knowing that those who could handle that, could handle him, the "real", offline him.
That, if you could see past "Acidman" and really see Rob, he could trust you, somehow. And, he was right... about those few who really did see Rob for who, how and what he was.
I think that, and that that gruff exterior was to keep most people away in the first place. I understand that, too.
*grin* I was told once, by a chick cutting my hair, that she didn't wanna get it wrong, because I kinda scared her.
"What?!? Why?", I laughed.
"Well, you just don't seem like the kind of person one would want to "mess" with, especially with that leather jacket on..."
"Man, ya got me..." She was right.
There was a looong period of time where, when I had to do something or be around people I didn't wanna be, I'd wear my leather because when I did, I felt safe, invulerable.
I looked mean and it kept me from having to prove it from the gitgo.
I liked that.
Still do.
Still have the leather, too.
(And, no, I didn't take it to Georgia...)
That damned thing saved my ass and the skin on it one time. That time I got the nickname "Drag Queen" after I'd gotten drug a few yards off the back of my friend Jack's Harley, my boot hooked in his chaps.
Oh yeah... gooood times.
*rolling eyes and giggling* Goddamned Jack, man...
I miss him.
And, aw shit... I just remembered he's gonna be retiring soon.
Once he does that, I'm gonna lose him for the rest of forever, no matter how much he doesn't believe it.
Just watch. And, just by the way... something I've been wondering for about a week now...
Where da hell's my buddy in Bahrain been lately?
I haven't talked to him since a few days before I went to Georgia.
I just now left him a voice mail asking that very thing, but he's like 7 hours ahead, time-wise and is probably in bed already, so I don't expect to hear back today.
Soon though, I hope.
Like I told him, hearing a sane voice would be kinda healing right about now.
His, among the others, that is. Not that I'm dismissing or minimizing the "others", but his is an old one to me, old and familiar.
There's a subtle difference there.
But again, not that that takes anything away from the new sane people who've sought me out. Thank you guys for doing that, before I forget to tell ya's that. And, while I'm on the subject... sorta, anyway... I just had an email come in with a question about this stuff and I'm gonna post part of my reply.
And, thank you, Darlin', for the "overview", as it were, of this whole mess and your assessment of it all. I mean, I know what I know and one of the things I know is that I'm right about this shit, but, sometimes, someone else, from a different perspective, coming to the same conclusion helps keep me centered and on track.
Nice to know I'm not the only one who gets it.
Actually, what it is is nice to add another voice of reason (and sanity) to the burgeoning crowd of similar voices.
The more the merrier.
The more the better. Not that being alone in a belief of mine is anything new, but... whew... ain't NEVER had s'many people step up and say I'm right and even point out a few salient facts I missed along the way. One thing I do already know is that with this support, I have to be even more careful, more "above the bullshit", lest I let any of you down. Lotta responsibility there, but it's an added weight I take on gladly and somehow it makes my walking on even easier. Who'da thunk it? That sometimes NOT being alone can be a good thing... still kinda blowing my mind, that concept is. Seems to me Rob's not even close to being done teaching me things and gifting me with good people who have the capacity to be good friends. Helluva legacy, don'tcha think? Ya know what?
I think I'm gonna copy and paste some of this reply into the post I'm working on. In speaking just "to you", I've allowed my guard to go down and I think I've articulated this the best I have so far to you, so I'm gonna take this and say it outloud on Xfire and maybe it'll help keep me on that even keel there, too. Thanks for asking what ya did if for no other reason than that (though it is nice when people care enough to want to know the truth, too *grin*) That said and having already spoken to the real "Cat" this morning (not the one in that one comment over there), I think I'm gonna go say "Hi" to the people in my house, maybe go check out that hammock they hung while I was gone, go play fetch with Ty for a while, visit my cats and ol' Bo, maybe clean something... *grin* And, there's someone I want to talk to, so I guess I'll be making a phone call, too. I'll be back later.
After I've checked out what the rest of my life has been up to lately. Peace
Phone call has been made, much relief is felt.
I now know that if I do or say anything that even begins to bother anyone who truly matters, they'll let me know.
(yeees, to you goofballs, too)
Comments
1
You know me darlin, when I comment, I leave my name and where to find me. I don't hide from no one and scared of no one, Cat
Posted by: Catfish at July 05, 2006 04:09 PM (HeNRd)
2
And if you don't believe him, just ask the former gators. 
Posted by: Moogie at July 05, 2006 04:13 PM (CfN/p)
3
Hey hey now, I didn't leave the comment in that post--it was copied over from the previous one before it was taken down. Since you're such an archive retrieval genius, you should have seen that.
I never sign as just Cat, that one belongs to Catfish.
As for posting here, yea, like you'd let that one stand. This is my first, and probably last post here.
Goofy as sprayed flies, indeed.
I never sign as just Cat, that one belongs to Catfish.
As for posting here, yea, like you'd let that one stand. This is my first, and probably last post here.
Goofy as sprayed flies, indeed.
Posted by: Desert Cat at July 05, 2006 04:36 PM (B2X7i)
4
Yeah what Catfish said...
Posted by: Ruth at July 05, 2006 04:56 PM (kqTXB)
5
I'm scared of gators....
Posted by: Libby at July 05, 2006 05:59 PM (DGO1F)
6
Desert Cat... ugh. Would you just stop (and THINK)?
I never said I'm an "archive whatever genius". Ya don't have to be a genius to get around Livey, for fucks sake.
And, I thought you were a friend of Rob's... I used to see you in his comments. You two seemed to get along.
So what the hell are you doing now, hanging around with that woman, shitting all over Rob like you are?
And, doesn't it make you wonder that she tried to pass you off as Cat (Joe) when she MANIPULATED your comment?
And, you can believe me, not only would I let stand a piece of shit like you wrote over there, I'd use it out front here. It'd be fun, believe me.
And, actually, I like that song a LOT. It reminds me of a book called "The Poison Tree" about a kid named Richard Jahnke who killed his abusive father. It was playing on all the stereos in the house when he did it...
Besides, I like the Eagles as a group or individually.
I don't know what your problem is, man, but you need to use your head for more than just a place to stick a hat someday.
That woman is manipulating your words, using you to shit on Rob and making you out to be a fool.
And your problem is with me?
Ooookaaaay.
Thaaaat's fine.
Go with it, friend.
And, if you ever do manage to extricate your head from her ass and start acting like a thinking, independant adult, know that you'll be welcome here then.
But, until then... bye.
I never said I'm an "archive whatever genius". Ya don't have to be a genius to get around Livey, for fucks sake.
And, I thought you were a friend of Rob's... I used to see you in his comments. You two seemed to get along.
So what the hell are you doing now, hanging around with that woman, shitting all over Rob like you are?
And, doesn't it make you wonder that she tried to pass you off as Cat (Joe) when she MANIPULATED your comment?
And, you can believe me, not only would I let stand a piece of shit like you wrote over there, I'd use it out front here. It'd be fun, believe me.
And, actually, I like that song a LOT. It reminds me of a book called "The Poison Tree" about a kid named Richard Jahnke who killed his abusive father. It was playing on all the stereos in the house when he did it...
Besides, I like the Eagles as a group or individually.
I don't know what your problem is, man, but you need to use your head for more than just a place to stick a hat someday.
That woman is manipulating your words, using you to shit on Rob and making you out to be a fool.
And your problem is with me?
Ooookaaaay.
Thaaaat's fine.
Go with it, friend.
And, if you ever do manage to extricate your head from her ass and start acting like a thinking, independant adult, know that you'll be welcome here then.
But, until then... bye.
Posted by: Stevie at July 06, 2006 04:29 AM (Gq1we)
7
All right, one more then.
I have spoken out strongly against the efforts to sweep people, myself included, into one "camp" or the other. I found it to be entirely unnecessarily hurtful to all parties involved. And I'm not about to go there now. I have cheered for Rob consistently, and I cheered for Rob and Livey when it looked like the two of them could possibly bring some light to each other's life. And I grieved when their respective foibles blew it up in their faces.
A couple of posts back, it sounded like you'd had conversations with someone who explained a little bit about Livey's issues and what makes her tick. I certainly encourage continuing along those lines. Livey has issues, which is not at all surprising given her childhood. However one thing I give her credit for is recognizing she's broken and in need of help. And she's been seeking it out.
I wish I could say that of more people.
It's unrealistic to expect someone with her issues to be able to see the full extent of the damage at this point in her healing process. And railing against her isn't going to do a damn thing but alienate. It might make *you* feel better, but you end up looking like a turd in the process. She can't see it at this point. Do a google search on BPD, read some of the literature, and you might see why. However it should be possible for anyone with a modicum of compassion to separate condemnation of a person's actions from blanket condemnation of the person.
I have no doubt that she may have done or said any number of inappropriate things. None whatsoever. In fact I would have been very pleasantly surprised to hear that she had been the perfect model of the grieving ex-lover. I have no desire to defend her inappropriate behaviors. Nor do I. She is as fallible an individual as any I have come to give a damn about. As was Rob. I defended the person of Rob against his detractors *in spite of* his very obvious flaws. Likewise it is not Livey's actions I stand behind, but Livey the flawed human being, against those who wish to add to her own grief unnecessarily.
And as far as the defense of the memory of Rob goes, I find what you have been doing to be highly distasteful and I have said so. You've been doing more to foul the waters and muddy the good memory of Rob Smith than anything, *anything* I've seen anyone else do. Stirring shit, as Rob would put it. I'm glad to see you seem to have desisted for the moment. At least publically.
As for your characterization of me, I'll leave that as a testament to your own character, with nothing more added.
I have spoken out strongly against the efforts to sweep people, myself included, into one "camp" or the other. I found it to be entirely unnecessarily hurtful to all parties involved. And I'm not about to go there now. I have cheered for Rob consistently, and I cheered for Rob and Livey when it looked like the two of them could possibly bring some light to each other's life. And I grieved when their respective foibles blew it up in their faces.
A couple of posts back, it sounded like you'd had conversations with someone who explained a little bit about Livey's issues and what makes her tick. I certainly encourage continuing along those lines. Livey has issues, which is not at all surprising given her childhood. However one thing I give her credit for is recognizing she's broken and in need of help. And she's been seeking it out.
I wish I could say that of more people.
It's unrealistic to expect someone with her issues to be able to see the full extent of the damage at this point in her healing process. And railing against her isn't going to do a damn thing but alienate. It might make *you* feel better, but you end up looking like a turd in the process. She can't see it at this point. Do a google search on BPD, read some of the literature, and you might see why. However it should be possible for anyone with a modicum of compassion to separate condemnation of a person's actions from blanket condemnation of the person.
I have no doubt that she may have done or said any number of inappropriate things. None whatsoever. In fact I would have been very pleasantly surprised to hear that she had been the perfect model of the grieving ex-lover. I have no desire to defend her inappropriate behaviors. Nor do I. She is as fallible an individual as any I have come to give a damn about. As was Rob. I defended the person of Rob against his detractors *in spite of* his very obvious flaws. Likewise it is not Livey's actions I stand behind, but Livey the flawed human being, against those who wish to add to her own grief unnecessarily.
And as far as the defense of the memory of Rob goes, I find what you have been doing to be highly distasteful and I have said so. You've been doing more to foul the waters and muddy the good memory of Rob Smith than anything, *anything* I've seen anyone else do. Stirring shit, as Rob would put it. I'm glad to see you seem to have desisted for the moment. At least publically.
As for your characterization of me, I'll leave that as a testament to your own character, with nothing more added.
Posted by: Desert Cat at July 06, 2006 12:25 PM (B2X7i)
8
That was a song? I thought it was a poem. I copied it and put it there cuz I wanted to look it up. It was not my intention to mislead anyone and it was corrected as soon as it was brought to my attention. Geez you people are fucking psychos!
Posted by: livey at July 07, 2006 03:36 PM (cetuo)
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