After having been up all night...
smoking too many cigarettes, reading mostly very nice things about Rob, being on the phone with Paul, bawling my head off with Paul and figuring out a LOTTA things about my life, Rob's life and things of that nature, I'm having an "interesting" morning.
For instance, I killed my Walkman CD player with a hammer. Hey, it pissed me off. Then, in the last day or so, I managed to talk my way into "overages" on my cell and I discovered the Nextel computer had shut me down.So, I called them and somehow managed to get them to turn me back on.
I truly didn't expect that.
They NEVER do that, til ya give 'em money.
But, I didn't yet and they did. They made "arrangements" with me.
Voluntarily, even. Wow.
Thanks. wft?
*scratchin' mah head over THAT, lem'me tell ya* One of the things I've figured out about alla this is what I'm going to do with this emotion, before it kills me. And, it's not only the emotion from this situation that's making me think.
This is just the FLOOD of emotion that's making me realize I need to get a handle on it all, before it runs my ass over. To be honest, I've had an "emotional" coupla months. Good emotions and bad. Losing jobs, kittens dying, finding my horse, finding Glen...
It's been both good and not s'good, but it's all been emotional on one level or another. And, I know that if I let this situation with Rob "get" me, it's gonna send me to a hell I've never even thought of. So, what I'm gonna do instead is what I told Velociman.
I'm gonna take the life, MY life, that Rob gave back to me when I discovered blogging because of him and live it in such a manner as to make him as proud of me as I possibly can. One way I'm gonna do that is by taking what's happened for ALL it's worth and learning as much from it as I can and applying it to my life. Starting with Eric. I no longer want us to be blase about what we have together.
No more taking it for granted.
No more NOT absorbing every single iota, nuance and THING I can of him. We used to hold hands EVERYWHERE we went.
He used to put his hand on my thigh driving in the car.
We used to write each other really loooong "notes".
We kissed each other and said "I love you" with as much meaning as two people ever meant it.
We sent e-cards and bought real ones constantly. But, in these years we've been together, life has intruded, work has made us "tired", excuses were issued left and right for the "newness" having worn off. Well. No more of that. I've often heard people say you have to WORK at a relationship.
Eric has too.
We've never understood that, because for us, being together is easier than breathing for the most part. We've been of the Tanya Tucker School of Thought... "If it don't come easy..." something is wrong. And, it has been easy.
Easy to lose that newness.
So, if there's to be "work" done, that's what I'm gonna work on. Re-creating and maintaining that closeness, that newness-feeling. We can do it, too.
It's still there, it's just buried under a buncha shit that doesn't really matter. I see that now with these eyes that Rob rrriiipped open for me. I don't want to lose one single second, one single ESSENCE of Eric anymore. I always have known, been hyper-aware, some might say, of the fleetingness of life sometimes.
Been called "paranoid" and "morbid" for my awareness of it at times.
Told I "love too much". Well, peoples, y'all ain't seen nuttin' yet. Best part? Eric is the exact same way I am when it comes to that.
AND, he understood completely when he came in for breakfast and I was washing the dishes with my Chicago CD blasting, then burst into tears when I looked at his sweet face. He rushed over and held me and I let myself lose it for a minute, then I said to him, "I'll bet ya don't know why I'm crying..." He said, "Of course I do. Rob." "Well, yeah, but that's not the only reason..." Then I told him what I just told you.
And, he understands. Sweet man that he is, he doesn't think we've grown all that far apart and I love him even more for that, but he also understands what it is I mean and why it's so very important. He always has understood perfectly well what Rob means to me.
He knows how much I love that man and why.
Therefore, it's easy for him to understand that I want what's happened now to mean as much as it can, to be the best lesson I can learn from Rob. Rob will NOT have gone through what he went through in his life and death for naught. WE, together, will see to that. I think Rob might even like that.
That one of his many legacies is a man being even more appreciated and well-loved and treated. That a woman is going to even more closely examine and watch her reactions to a man and monitor better her expressions of love, irritation, caring and occasional exasperation. I do love Eric.
So very much. Just like I love Rob, albeit in a slightly different, more "personal" way. And, I'm not going to let opportunities and chances to express it go any more, not for any "reason". No more taking Eric, his love and what we have together for granted. There's a speech in the play "Our Town" about "knowing every minute". That's what I want.
To know every minute I have with Eric.
To be AWARE of just what a precious gift his love is every single minute God allows me to have it. Kinda the way I wish I'd done more with Rob. I knew from the git-go how extraordinary he was.
I knew how unique and what a God-sent gift knowing him was.
But, I held back a lot of times.
Didn't comment, didn't call, didn't email.... I didn't want to be a pain in his ass. I stayed in the background, at times, quite a bit.
To HIM, directly, I mean, so pick your jaw up offa the floor... *smile* Yeah, I "protected" him as often and as well as I was able, which turned out to be not so well after all, huh? But, to Rob himself, I just wanted to let him know, if I could, what he meant to me and that there are some women unlike those he'd given his heart to. And, I think I managed to do that.
But, I dearly wish I'd called him more often and emailed him more and things like that. And, I will not feel this way about anyone I love ever again.
Especially Eric. I don't love a whole lotta people, hell I don't even LIKE a whole lotta people, but those that I do love will have NO DOUBTS ever again as to how much.
I'm not gonna have any doubts about whether they know or not, either. Not after this.
Not after losing a man who means as much to me as Rob. There may not have been anything I could have done to stop this and there may not be a whole hell of a lot I can do now to help Rob's family. But, I can do this.
And, to honor the memory of one of the most special people I've ever known, I will.
Comments
1
Living hard and loving hard is the best way to honor his memory, Stevie.
Posted by: Chablis at June 27, 2006 11:11 AM (tMoUV)
2
Thanks, Chablis.
Now I'm even more postitive that I'm on the right path.
There are so many overlapping footprints around right now, I almost lost Rob's for a minute or two... and I sure as hell don't want to do that, now that that light I've been following has sputtered out.
God Almighty, I miss him...
Now I'm even more postitive that I'm on the right path.
There are so many overlapping footprints around right now, I almost lost Rob's for a minute or two... and I sure as hell don't want to do that, now that that light I've been following has sputtered out.
God Almighty, I miss him...
Posted by: Stevie at June 27, 2006 12:32 PM (JJmXe)
3
I finally got to sleep around 5:00am, I thought about my buddy and his ways and all the people he touched, all day and night. When I woke up this morning, I was thinking the same things, shit, I must be fucked up? One year me and Rob sat on my big ass leather sofa and talked about my 13 friends dieing the year before, most of them were on bikes, a few from cancer and the rest from hard living, some people call it heart attacks. It is very hard to lose friends that you been knowing for so many years. He liked you a lot Stevie, he talked about you often and told me, that he would love to see those long pretty leggs. Try to get bye this, it will be hard, but life goes on, Cat
Posted by: Catfish at June 27, 2006 01:17 PM (G4H71)
4
A part of Rob will always live while you hold him so very close in your heart. What a monument. We all should be so lucky when it's our turn. God bless.
Posted by: Ol' Lurker at June 27, 2006 03:06 PM (jdaXX)
5
Stevie, I can hardly bear to read your posts about Rob. They make me cry and I wonder how long it will take before it doesn't hurt to think about him. I barely knew him and I miss him a lot. I didn't sleep much last night either.
I envy you the special relationship you built with him over the years and I think your tribute to his legacy is beautiful and would certainly please him. For myself, I'm holding my little grandtyke extra close today....
I envy you the special relationship you built with him over the years and I think your tribute to his legacy is beautiful and would certainly please him. For myself, I'm holding my little grandtyke extra close today....
Posted by: Libby at June 27, 2006 03:21 PM (V10Ot)
6
I really hope that you and Eric attend his memorial. As Rob himself would say, "If it was easy, any asshole could do it."
Posted by: Surfie at June 27, 2006 04:36 PM (NMkqn)
7
Nice entry/post, Stevie. I think you're making a good turn out of a really awful situation, here. Bless your heart.
Posted by: outfoxed at June 27, 2006 04:58 PM (iS0pJ)
8
There are a lot of beautiful eulogies about Rob and yours is definitly one of them.
Posted by: Maeve at June 27, 2006 05:37 PM (b/7xM)
9
Beautiful. Simply beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. You obviously loved Rob a whole lot. I really am at a loss here, about all I can say is that hopefully with each day that passes, the wonderful memories you have of Rob will outweigh the overwhelming sorrow that you feel right now.
And those kittens that were born behind your dishwasher....why not name one of the wee ones after Rob.....(he would get a big kick out of that)
And those kittens that were born behind your dishwasher....why not name one of the wee ones after Rob.....(he would get a big kick out of that)
Posted by: Ruth at June 27, 2006 07:09 PM (kqTXB)
10
I had my shit in one sock until I read you, Stevie. Thanks! Just being a pissant, of course. Well said, Well spoken. Thank you.
Posted by: Velociman at June 27, 2006 07:55 PM (MN4wI)
11
"I'm gonna take the life, MY life, that Rob gave back to me when I discovered blogging because of him and live it in such a manner as to make him as proud of me as I possibly can."
I can't think of a finer testament that you could have given Rob than that, Stevie.
It really goes to show just what kind of man he was, that so many people feel his loss so deeply.
I can't think of a finer testament that you could have given Rob than that, Stevie.
It really goes to show just what kind of man he was, that so many people feel his loss so deeply.
Posted by: Delftsman3 at June 27, 2006 10:26 PM (iyh4S)
12
Thank you, you guys....
Apparently, comments are, or have been, fuber again, as I'm not getting them as emails, like I should be, so please forgive me for not seeing them sooner.
Also, there is a possiblilty, a slim one, that I may be able to go to the services, but it involves having money sent to me by a very sweet, special person from a whole 'nother country, if he's able and me drving there alone, as no one here can get off work on such short notice to go with me.
Though, my Jack Russell is available and would hate me if I didn't take him for such a GREAT ride (in his doggie-mind)... so I wouldn't be totally alone... *smile*
We looked into flying and training it, but neither of those is feasible, unfortunately.
Plus, Jennifer is sure to be there, as well as one other person I'd have a hard time being around, so if it doesn't work out, that's okay too, really.
There's to be an online memorial for Rob too, where I'd be some more great company, anyway.
It's up to God right now and He knows best, so we'll see what happens, but, if I can, I will.
And, if I do get to do this for Rob, I'll keep in mind through all those miles that, yes, if it was easy....
Also, later today, we're gonna try putting Rob's singing file here. "We" being Paul, pretty much...
If it gets hammered too awfully hard, he may have to remove it, but, at least I get to try.
Anything for Rob... just anything...
He's such a huge presence in my life, I still can't believe he's gone from this Earth.
He'll NEVER be gone from my heart or my life, though...
Oh, and one more lil' thing...
I told Paul I want to add something to my sidebar, permanantly, for Rob, but what one thing could encompass that man and all he meant, right?
We thought about it, then it hit me...
That "hiney" picture I've posted before of him.
He LOVED it when I did that and ya know if he could, he'd wanna be buried face down so the world at large could kiss that hiney of his, so....
What do you guys think?
Think he'd like that?
You few who have commnented already... your opinions mean more to me than anybody who'd not "get it" or who'd give me shit for it, so, what do y'all think?
And, if any of you guys have a better idea, lay it on me, okay? I'm still open to suggestions.
(And, my first idea was Rob's face, embedded in a heart, or something, just so ya's don't think I've gone completely crackers, here... *grin*)
Let me know whatcha think. And, if the comments happen to go tits up again, my email addy is up in the corner, on that picture.
Peace...
may we all find some soon...
Apparently, comments are, or have been, fuber again, as I'm not getting them as emails, like I should be, so please forgive me for not seeing them sooner.
Also, there is a possiblilty, a slim one, that I may be able to go to the services, but it involves having money sent to me by a very sweet, special person from a whole 'nother country, if he's able and me drving there alone, as no one here can get off work on such short notice to go with me.
Though, my Jack Russell is available and would hate me if I didn't take him for such a GREAT ride (in his doggie-mind)... so I wouldn't be totally alone... *smile*
We looked into flying and training it, but neither of those is feasible, unfortunately.
Plus, Jennifer is sure to be there, as well as one other person I'd have a hard time being around, so if it doesn't work out, that's okay too, really.
There's to be an online memorial for Rob too, where I'd be some more great company, anyway.
It's up to God right now and He knows best, so we'll see what happens, but, if I can, I will.
And, if I do get to do this for Rob, I'll keep in mind through all those miles that, yes, if it was easy....
Also, later today, we're gonna try putting Rob's singing file here. "We" being Paul, pretty much...
If it gets hammered too awfully hard, he may have to remove it, but, at least I get to try.
Anything for Rob... just anything...
He's such a huge presence in my life, I still can't believe he's gone from this Earth.
He'll NEVER be gone from my heart or my life, though...
Oh, and one more lil' thing...
I told Paul I want to add something to my sidebar, permanantly, for Rob, but what one thing could encompass that man and all he meant, right?
We thought about it, then it hit me...
That "hiney" picture I've posted before of him.
He LOVED it when I did that and ya know if he could, he'd wanna be buried face down so the world at large could kiss that hiney of his, so....
What do you guys think?
Think he'd like that?
You few who have commnented already... your opinions mean more to me than anybody who'd not "get it" or who'd give me shit for it, so, what do y'all think?
And, if any of you guys have a better idea, lay it on me, okay? I'm still open to suggestions.
(And, my first idea was Rob's face, embedded in a heart, or something, just so ya's don't think I've gone completely crackers, here... *grin*)
Let me know whatcha think. And, if the comments happen to go tits up again, my email addy is up in the corner, on that picture.
Peace...
may we all find some soon...
Posted by: Stevie at June 28, 2006 06:03 AM (GVjvA)
13
Darlin' what you put on your sidebar needs to be something that has meaning for YOU. Something from YOUR heart. Nobody else counts in this. It's just between you and Rob.
Posted by: Ol' Lurker at June 28, 2006 06:21 AM (yubrP)
14
Yeah, what Ol' Lurker said...
Stevie, you choose what means the most to you, and what you think Rob would have got the biggest kick out of.
And Stevie, your (obviously) heartfelt words about Rob, (straight from the heart) and your unconditional love for him, it makes me weep (literally)
Of all the comments, all the tributes, yours are the most gut wrenching. Its a true measure of what this most special man meant to you.
I hope you make the service.
Stevie, you choose what means the most to you, and what you think Rob would have got the biggest kick out of.
And Stevie, your (obviously) heartfelt words about Rob, (straight from the heart) and your unconditional love for him, it makes me weep (literally)
Of all the comments, all the tributes, yours are the most gut wrenching. Its a true measure of what this most special man meant to you.
I hope you make the service.
Posted by: Ruth at June 28, 2006 06:52 AM (kqTXB)
15
Yup, what they all said. You do what you think is appropriate to Rob's memory. That's what we all have to do I think.
Posted by: Chablis at June 28, 2006 08:06 AM (tMoUV)
16
I do have to admit, I got a good chuckle out of Ruth's comment of naming a kitten after Rob.
Put up what makes YOU happy. It's YOUR space.
Put up what makes YOU happy. It's YOUR space.
Posted by: Maeve at June 28, 2006 09:27 AM (b/7xM)
17
I agree with what some of the other's have said about what you put in the sidebar... It is what means something to you, so have at it! But I also agree, Rob would get a big kick out of you posting that pic of him! He was that kind of guy! You hang in there girlie, and just remember life goes on. As long as we remember Rob, he lives!
Posted by: Bob at June 28, 2006 01:58 PM (uKCKK)
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