He's still doing it...
Now I know.
I did what I needed to do and found out for myself.I talked to Cat after that and knew that it's for real even more, though I didn't need to know it even more.
But, I could hear it in Cat's voice when I told him what I'd learned and from who. Then, just so people wouldn't see the last post and think I still wasn't accepting it, I did a post, told the rock-bottom truth too, but... I had a few qualms about it and when they were confirmed, I put it back to draft. That almost pissed me off, too. Rob was all about telling it like it is, as all the "drama queen" screamers now know.
And, yes, I do hope y'all are happy now that he called your bluff(s). But, this isn't about you.
It never was.
And, it never will be, for me at least, ever again. So... here I am.
Shocked by what I was told, but not really.
Pissed about my "truth" post, but not really.
Starving, yes, really.
Wet from being out in the rain, bringing in my horses.
Covered in bits of hay and all sweated up from cleaning and re-bedding stalls, running water buckets and hay to the boys and hungry, in spite of the fact that the facts should have left me with no appetite. But, I had a coupla "Eric-made" chili dogs and still I sat here, in front of my computer. I deleted the link to Gut Rumbles from my personal tool bar. It was the first thing, after email, that I clicked on every day and if anything will make me accept this, not seeing it there will. I'm waiting for Paul to call.
He said he would when he gets home from work.
Right now, I'm thinking he must work 400 miles from where he lives.
But, my perception of time, area and space and such is gone. It seems like HOURS since he told me he'd call soon.
Maybe it has been.
I don't know for sure. All I know is that I needed to do something and cleaning the friggin' house ain't it. And, I sure as hell don't feel like reading "Rob's dead, Rob's dead, Rob's dead" 84 million times, nor do I care to dive into the cesspool of public sentiment about it to maybe find a diamond or two. Not worth it.
Most of the few things I have seen were enough to make me ill. So, instead, I started near the top of my blogroll and started reading... Curmudgeonisms
Bane
(I thought I didn't wanna read about Rob? Well, these are okay. They're in your blogroll and the subject matter changes after the first few inches. Carry on...)
Cat
Crazy Aunt Purl
Dad Gone Mad
Everday Stranger It's while I'm reading her and thinking about him that it hits me... I'm not ignoring this.
It wasn't "bad" of me to actually have hunger after finding out for sure... not after I'd busted my ass taking care of the horses and I hadn't eaten all day.
Besides...
Those chili-dawgs Eric made were GOOD, damn it. I'm reading Helen and when I get done and close the window, bringing me back here, it hit me... I wouldn't BE here, if not for Rob.
I'm not blowing this whole thing off by going on, by reading other people who don't know Rob from cream cheese, by reading things that aren't about him. What I'm doing is letting Rob do the very first thing he ever did for me all over again... saving me.
Showing me that there's a whole wide world out there and it's okay to be a part of it. I'm using the most precious gift anybody ever gave me.
Reading these bloggers I have 'rolled.
Writing in my own blog.
Blinking back (and away) the tears of WHY I need to be doing this right now, while I wait for Paul to call and listening to Garth Brooks sing a song for Rob in my head that explains to me why it's all okay...
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain.
But I'd have had to miss the dance
I really do. I just wish, more than I have ever wished for anything in my entire life, that I could have returned the favor you did for me. I wish I could have saved you, too. But now... there's only one thing left to do and I mean to see that it gets done. I promised him I would. And, I will. God, I wish Paul would call.... I love you, Rob.
And, I'll miss you so much I can't even conceive of it, let alone articulate it.
But, I'm glad you don't hurt anymore and never will again.
I know that's all you wanted.
But, my hand to God, I wish there could've been another way to achieve it. Peace, Acidman.
Comments
1
I can't bring myself to take him from my blog roll. Not yet. I keep hoping it's just a bad dream, but I know it is not.
Posted by: Maeve at June 26, 2006 10:31 PM (b/7xM)
2
He'll always be on my roll, as well as in my heart, but I had to take GR off that toolbar.
Posted by: Stevie at June 26, 2006 10:58 PM (KX/3t)
3
Stevie, I found out because of a Day By Day cartoon. First I went to Gut Rumbles, then I posted, then I came here.
Just showin' up, that's all. >>
Just showin' up, that's all. >>
Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 27, 2006 01:35 AM (1k4W9)
Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 27, 2006 01:36 AM (1k4W9)
5
Thank you, Sweetie...
Posted by: Stevie at June 27, 2006 02:36 AM (KX/3t)
6
"I'm not blowing this whole thing off by going on"
Stevie,
If you don't go on, if you don't go on to live again, and laugh again, and write again, then that would mean that knowing Rob was something damaging to your life life, instead of something that enhanced it. He would expect you to carry on. Going on is a tribute to what he gave you and to what he taught you. And Stevie, you gave to him too, you enhanced his life with the gift of unconditional love and understanding.
Rob will live on forever, in your heart, and in the hearts of many. He enhanced so many lives and we are far richer for having known him.
A lot of people are here for you, if you need us...
Stevie,
If you don't go on, if you don't go on to live again, and laugh again, and write again, then that would mean that knowing Rob was something damaging to your life life, instead of something that enhanced it. He would expect you to carry on. Going on is a tribute to what he gave you and to what he taught you. And Stevie, you gave to him too, you enhanced his life with the gift of unconditional love and understanding.
Rob will live on forever, in your heart, and in the hearts of many. He enhanced so many lives and we are far richer for having known him.
A lot of people are here for you, if you need us...
Posted by: Deb at June 27, 2006 06:29 AM (wocRc)
7
Funny thing. I'm only an irregular heard of acidman and you. But the first thing I thought of after hearing was how you were doing. You're one of his legacies. You'll carry on.
Posted by: David at June 27, 2006 09:53 AM (+phE/)
8
Stevie,
I know you lost a dear friend, not to mention, an idol and mentor. For that, my condolences go out to not only his family, but also you, Cat, Recondo, and his other friends.
Like the great writers and composers who in the past used pen and ink, he has made a mark right here in this corner of the world we call blogging. And I'm glad to hear his legacy will be maintained by you and others. It is something well worth preserving.
I, as well as all the other people who felt they 'knew' him from his posts, are feeling a loss. But we also appreciated and learned from his writing.
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes,
I know you lost a dear friend, not to mention, an idol and mentor. For that, my condolences go out to not only his family, but also you, Cat, Recondo, and his other friends.
Like the great writers and composers who in the past used pen and ink, he has made a mark right here in this corner of the world we call blogging. And I'm glad to hear his legacy will be maintained by you and others. It is something well worth preserving.
I, as well as all the other people who felt they 'knew' him from his posts, are feeling a loss. But we also appreciated and learned from his writing.
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes,
Posted by: Dave S. at June 27, 2006 10:25 AM (I15ul)
9
Thank you, y'all...
(I mentioned in the comments under the post above this one that they're not being emailed to me like they're supposed to be, so forgive me (again) for not seeing these sooner. Now, I know to come look and I will.)
Peace...
may we all find some soon.
(I mentioned in the comments under the post above this one that they're not being emailed to me like they're supposed to be, so forgive me (again) for not seeing these sooner. Now, I know to come look and I will.)
Peace...
may we all find some soon.
Posted by: Stevie at June 28, 2006 06:09 AM (GVjvA)
Processing 0.0, elapsed 0.0069 seconds.
18 queries taking 0.0044 seconds, 17 records returned.
Page size 11 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.8 beta.