Yeah, so what is it that comes after fire and flood which, yes, yes I am dealing with right now as opposed to being at work damn it to hell....

What is it?
Fuckin' locusts, or something?
I just wanna know so I can have some snacks and appropriate locust drinks on hand when, not IF, they show up.

I don't believe this shit.
My friggin' bathroom is cursed.
CURSED! I tell you.

First it was in flames.
Now, it's goddamned soaked.
As was the kitchen floor and Dan and I went we went into the BASEMENT to shut off the water.

Stupid goddamned cats.

Yes, a CAT did this to me.
(And, ya know what, Rob? Go for it, 'cause right now, I am in no position or mood to disagree with ANYTHING you say about cats... the turds.)

He (the cat, not Rob) was being an obnoxious fuck, trying to fuck to death another cat, Princess, so I intervened.
And, he growled and swiped at me.
Motherfucker.
You think so, huh?
Well, I'll show you, says me.

Pft.

I chased his ass 'round and 'round the house for a while, trying to get him to LEAVE.
He runs up into the poor, cursed bathroom and hides behind the toilet.

I grab him and start pulling.
He, of course, resists.
And, somehow, in his Herculean efforts not to be removed from the interior of my house, he manages to snap the teeny, tiny little pipe that comes up through the floor and feeds water into the toilet tank, UNDER THE SHUT OFF VALVE, of course.

That thing HAD TO BE weakened by the heat of the fire (the most intense part of the fire was less than 6" away from it), 'caaaaause this shit just. don't. happen.

Unless, of course, you're MEEEEEEE!

So, there I am, catless, on my knees (but not yet praying) twisting the stupid little useless knob down there back and forth trying in vain to MAKE IT STOP!

Uh... nope.

Fuck me runnin' (water?), ya know?

So, once again, I go running for the milking parlor to find a MAN, who is supposed to be born equipped with knowledge of this kinda shit, to MAKE IT STOP!

Thank God Himself that Dan was out there.

I go in, stop at the top step, seeing no one and say, rather urgently... "Eric."

I hear the dulcet tones of a man's voice say, "He's out scraping..."

I says to meself and God, in case He's listening, "Oh, please let that be somebody useful, please let that be somebody useful..." as I run around the carousel to see who it is.

DAN!!! OhthankGod...

"Dan, do you know how to turn off the water in the house? A pipe let go behind the toilet and it's flooding the house."

"Yeah, I think so..."

Me again.. "Man, my bathroom is CURSED, ya know that?"

He giggles and off we go.

Fuckin' water was already dripping, nay... nearly pouring into the basement by then and it had only been a few minutes.

And, just by the goddamned way... where the FUCK was all this fuckin' WATER two weeks ago, WHEN I NEEDED IT? HMMMMM?
*rolls eyes*

So, anyway, Dan, who shall be henceforth referred to as "Butter Rum", because it's my favorite flavor of LIFESAVER, shut everything off and I started the mop up/clean-the-fuckin'-HOUSE-up-'cause-there's-gonna-be-PEOPLE
-in-here-soon operation.

So much fun to do with no water.
Can't do the dishes, so I hid them in the oven, a thing I've never ever done before and swore I never would.
Can't wipe anything down, so I just put other shit on top of it.
Can't shit, which I have needed to do for about two hours, so far.
Need a shower, 'cause I look like hell.
No water.

Of course, one can't "schedule" emergencies, can one, to happen, say, NOT WHEN THE HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A POST TORNADO DISASTER AREA?

I did, however, dump catboxes, hide dirty dishes and generally stuffed shit outta sight and sprayed copious amounts of some kinda air freshener all over the place.
I think into my cuppa coffee, too.
Like I care.
It not only tasted good, it smelled fresh, right?
Believe me, I feel nearly BLESSED that I had a pot of coffee made before the ceiling started raining.

In the midst of alla this, I also called Mr. Boss and got Mrs. Boss to let him/them know what was going on and that, even if we do get it fixed in a timely manner, I have scheduled a nervous breakdown for this afternoon and hence, will not be there today, see ya tamarra...

Oh, and the locust thing?
It could TOTALLY happen.
And not just because it seems fitting, seeing the MONTH I've had so far.
Nope.
It could totally happen because so far this winter, I've brought home approxiamtely 9,724 wooly bear caterpillars I've found wandering around freezing their asses off.
Can't have that, me.
Nope.
No way.
So, I now have an aquarium with alla these stupid caterpillars in it, waiting to see what happens with 'em next.

I think what happens next is I become an item on the fuckin' news.

God, help me.
PLEASE?

*Update about 10 minutes later*

Okay, thank You, God, for milking parlor bathrooms.
Such a relief.
How is it that 2 or 3 cups of coffee turn into a bucket o'pee?
Beer shares that quality.
Pee the first time drinking beer and yer peeing on every telephone after that, I swear.

AND, as if I don't have enough shit to contend with, while I was in the middle of this post, I went to "preview" it and viola... this stupid computer was doing it's "kinda not on line, but won't let you re-connect" thing it does sometimes.
I don't know what that's about, but it's off line as far as the computer is concerned, phone too, as you do get a dial tone, BUT... when I go into the place where I re-connect, re-connecting is not a given option.
Only thing I can do is shut down completely and restart the whole farkin' thing.
Well...
That was gonna suck, because it also won't letcha "save to draft" as it thinks it's off line and IS off line enough to not be able to find the stupid page, or so it says.
I tried my few tricks to make it let me re-connect and, of course... no.
SO, I sat here, not getting pissed yet, thinking...
Then, my Canadian Butter Rum, Paul, says in my head... "Ey, Dudette... why don'tcha use the "text" thing I showed ya, ey?"

So I did.

So "neener, neener, neener" to YOU, stupid computer.
You didn't get to screw me out of my post, ya punkass.

And, God Bless yer Canook ass, Paulie.
I loves ya!
(But, I'm starting to become highly suspicious of my bathroom...)

Posted by: Stevie at 08:32 AM

Comments

Posted by: Maeve at March 19, 2006 09:29 AM (b/7xM)

Posted by: Stevie at March 19, 2006 09:50 AM (oSktw)

Posted by: Catfish at March 19, 2006 01:32 PM (IcCcv)

Posted by: Light & Dark at March 19, 2006 09:03 PM (M9GWX)

Posted by: Stevie at March 20, 2006 04:08 PM (hOK8e)

Posted by: Light & Dark at March 20, 2006 06:37 PM (M9GWX)

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