I swear to God, if I could find a bus, I'd throw myself in front of it....

My luck, the fuckin' thing wouldn't be running, or something...

First of all, I know I'm getting PMS-y, but still...

It's two days til payday from ANY of these ass-breakin' jobs of mine.
Right now I have about 10 bucks... including change.

I am out of horse feed.
I am out of cat food.
I am currently sobbing my way through my last two packs of oatmeal prior to going to the horse farm.
Not to mention running out of cigarettes, no weed, no hope of weed, PMS is here/coming... gonna need gas in the car, too.

WHERE IS THE FUCKIN' BUS???

I am sick of this shit.
I hate being all money-centered to begin with.
I avoid being that way, because I see how it affects some people.

But, I have come to the conclusion that it's a ncessary evil, so I do what I can to get it, so I can keep my animals alive and myself and whatever.

But, ya work yourself into the fuckin' ground all the time and it'd just be nice NOT TO have to go through this every five fuckin' minutes, ya know?

It's the same shit, so far, every two goddamned weeks.
The last few days are a study in "not killing myself" out of sheer frustration and humiliation that I still can't make it work, damn it.

I work CONSTANTLY.
I don't mind... usually.
I DO mind when it gets down to the last coupla days and I have hungry animals and empty pockets.

And, believe me, it's not like I had the money and blew it.
Ain't got to that point, yet.
(Doubt I ever will, sometimes...)

It's just that it's not here... it's coming, but it's not here NOW and I need it NOW.

Getting paid every two week sucks.
No, it SUCKS!!!!!
Really, really bad.

I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to afford to work at that restaurant.
I love it, but... I've worked two shifts so far and made, maybe, $9.
Yeah... NINE bucks. I didn't forget any zeros...

I had to buy a white shirt, new black shoes... all that shit.
I haven't even made back my "investment" and, at the rate it's going so far, I may have that recouped by about 200-fuckin'-7.

I hate PMS.
I hate having to scramble, counting change... especially when there isn't any.

Toss up as to which it is I hate more.

Right now what I hate the most is ME.

Letting down Eric, my cats, my horses, myself... and my attitude sucks.
But, whose wouldn't right this second?

Looking up, I see a picture of my buddy, Andy Harris.
Shoulda been me.
He's better looking, was a good guy, had the ability to buy animal feed at will...
Yet, he's dead and here I sit, wishing I were.

Fuckin' PMS and pressure.
Get offa me.
Leave me alone.
I'm exhausted already and I haven't even gotten to the horse farm yet.
All I wanna do is take care of what little we have.
Must you make it so damned near impossible?
And, God...
Hows about a break here, Son?

Like maybe actually making money outta that stupid restaurant?
Or his money-grubbin' ex-cunt dying?
Or me?
Something... Ya know, Dude?

Posted by: Stevie at 06:50 AM

Comments

Posted by: Catfish at December 29, 2005 10:23 AM (MJPF4)

Posted by: BlogDog at December 29, 2005 04:22 PM (wH/Zb)

3 Hey kiddo, I know it sucks all to hell for ya and your tail feathers are hanging awful low. I know that feeling too well (been there/done that sorta thing) but you hang in there...it WILL change. I mean REALLY change. It won't be perfect but it will get better, I promise. Just remember this...you are above ground, you can feed yourself and you can ambulate on your own. That is a huge plus so keep that in mind
*major hugs to ya*

Posted by: Faithy at December 30, 2005 07:47 AM (KsweU)

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