More email silliness...

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
(No...being covered in smoke is actually vaaaastly different than being covered in PISS...)

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged*, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
(*Oh, HELL yes...)

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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" CATHOLIC FEMALE PARROTS"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered".

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WEEKLY WORKOUT!!

The Doctor told me, that I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body,....I've devised the following program:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through the morning paper.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the Band Wagon.
Run around in circles.
THURSDAY:
Advise the President on how to run the country.
Toot my own horn.
Pull out all the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
FRIDAY:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
SATURDAY:
Pick up the pieces
SUNDAY:
Kneel in prayer,
Bow my head in Thanksgiving,
Uplift my hands in praise,
Hug someone and encourage them.

WHEW!!!!! What a workout!

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Subject: Kids and Toys..........
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured shewould break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator, soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her square in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."

Ba-dump-bump.

Peace.

Posted by: Stevie at 09:02 PM

Comments

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 15, 2004 08:59 PM (PucHz)

Posted by: Patricia at January 01, 2005 01:13 AM (d8Pn7)

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