Okay...back to that 'newsflash'...

Why do I say I'm nuts? Mostly because I am. The question is...why. Why am I nuts? Not 'what caused it'...I know that.
I just want to (maybe need to) figure out why it is that my conclusions and subsequent actions, or lack thereof, is nuts.
Let's examine this, shall we?

Okay...let's just say there's this activity that humans take part in. For the most part, from observation, it seems that there are some maaaajor assholes involved in this activity. People who lie, cheat, steal, kill...all in the name of coming out ahead in this activity, which, in the long run, is pointless...utterly POINTLESS...to begin with. The 'fun' part is that there is to be no 'choice' about participation. You just 'have to' do this. You HAVE TO be involved in an activity you find stupid, for reasons that don't hold for 2 seconds in the face of 'why?' and that has all manner of assholes in it. The assholes are the ones who win every. fuckin'. time. and not being an asshole yerself, you stand not a chance in HELL of breaking even, let alone ever winning, so the INTELLIGENT thing to do in a situation like this is just don't get involved. Right?

Wrong...if yer me.

Why do I HAVE TO do this 'thing' if I can plainly see it's horseshit and I don't have the basic skills to even compete, let alone ever 'win'? To me, it makes about as much sense as throwing Chris Reeves in a wrestling ring with Andre the Giant and expecting him...no...DEMANDING that he win the match. Yeah. The only person with less chance of winning is someone born with just a head and no body.
Or, how about taking a rodeo bronc to the Olypmics? Yeah, let's do that. Let's take a horse that's been taught nothing except to rebel, buck and be left alone and expect him to do dressage. Then, when he has no idea what the fuck yer even talking about or asking for or how to even begin to start doing it, call him a horrifically depressed loser. Tell him how wrong he is for not just jumpin' on in and taking home the trophy. And, let's not forget to 'punish' him for not gettin' it. Even if it's not physical abuse, make sure you keep reminding him how 'defeatist' and 'depressed' amd 'wrong' he is, cuz THAT always helps, right....?
How about if the activity is stabbing yerself in the leg with a fork? You have to do this because everybody else does and you'd...gasp!...be 'wrong' not to do it yourself and the only point is to see who has the most poke marks in the end.
Stupid, right? Not something a sane person would get involved in, right? Right.

Well, WHY THEN, is it sooo bad that I don't get it about life itself? From what I have seen, honest people get fucked. Nice people lose. People who are not mercenary, money grubbin', back stabbing, liar fuckholes don't even register in the win column, usually.

The meek shall inherit the earth. Good things come to those who wait. Bad people will lose in the long run.
Really?
WHEN IS THIS GONNA BE? I don't wanna miss it.

As if. That shit ain't gonna happen. Wanna know what happens to people who cheat, lie and steal to get ahead? Nothing. If they don't get called on it in the stupid aspects of life, how am I suppose to believe they're ever gonna be called on it with the big, important parts?
Vince McMahon, for a retarded example....he's a known steroid user, he screwed Bret that time in Montreal and what happens to him for that? Nothing. He gets away with it and gets even richer. Great.
This guy that Eric works for...he rips Eric off every chance he gets. He gives him a raise and puts conditions on it, then makes Eric chase him down for days on end to actually be handed the cash, for just one tiny example. This idiot lair guy, Jon....what price does he ever get charged for all the bullshit he perpetrates? None. He just goes around, arbitrarily spewing shit all over someones life just because he feels like it and it's so fuckin' okay, that NOBODY EVER calls him on it. "Oh, that's just Jon..."....No. That's just bullshit.
My own mother...she fucked several of my boyfriends, screwed my Dad over and what did she get? A nice house and married to a better person than she deserved. Twice. I never once even cleaned her clock for the shit she did and I really should have. Given the chance right now, I would. I'd beat her back to death for what she did to people whose only 'sin' was to love her or be born to her. (Dad loved her, I was stuck being her offspring....)

Now...hang with me a second here....If you drive drunk and risk hurting other people, you get locked up if you get caught. If you intentionally hurt somebody for any reason, like stab or shoot them because they looked at ya wrong, you go to jail, if ya get caught. If you do bad things and get caught, you get punished. EXCEPT when you're just lying or cheating or fuckin' somebody in the name of 'getting ahead'. Then, it's fine and instead of being 'punished' if yer caught, the rest of the world is just supposed to deal with it. I don't get that. I know that's the way it is, but I. don't. get. that. Never have, never will.
And, that, friends and neighbors, is the point here.

Why do I have to participate in such a corrupt, stilted, stacked-against-ya, low percentage chance of winning, bullshit enterprise? I've been there. I've tried. I quit struggling for a while and just sat back and observed this game and I've decided it's not worth it. The game is life itself. And, no...I'm not thinking about offing myself. I just don't see the point anymore, if I ever was able to.

After talking to my buddy Jason and my Dad yesterday because I thought me and George were headed for a showdown, I came away with more clarity and less enthusiasm than ever.
Briefly, there was no showdown. Both of us were just getting bunged up over miscommunication and outside shit. No biggie. Ever'thing's cool. Except....
me.

Without exception, the one thing everybody seems to agree on is that I am WRONG to choose to not participate in this poorly written, wretchedly executed soap opera called life. Well....WHY? I wouldn't purposely do something I know I'd lose at and get hurt doing, like jumping into a wrestling ring to avenge Bret. Hell, even with a GOOD reason like that, I wouldn't do it. I also wouldn't try to stand down an oncoming train, which is pretty much what getting out there and participating in life seems like.

I mean, Jesus...if ya try something that turns out to be....'unpleasant', you stop doing it and unless yer brain damaged, ya don't keep doing it over and over, right? Right. BUT...when you do something that has been nothing but heartbreak, pain and ultimately pointless to boot, you aren't allowed, suddenly, to call it bullshit and stay out of it. You just have to do it. WHY? Well, dopey little female person that we all love but do not even begin to understand....You do it, you eat shit from assholes everyday, so you can get 'things'.
Oh.
Okay.
So, the obtaining of 'things' is the point? Eating shit is worth it because then you get to have 'things'. Like cars...that cost almost more than they're worth. But, you have to have a car, to have a job, so you can eat shit to get more things. Oh. The deal is, you eat enough shit, to get enough 'things' to make eating shit get easier and be worth it. Riiiight.
Wanna know what 'things' really are? They're things to lose, to be taken from you by whomever for some reason they decide is valid. Even if it's not. The more ya have, the more ya have to lose. Again...what's the fuckin' POINT? I don't wanna amass a great pile of things just for some dillhole to use to fuck with me even more. A car is all fine and good, til ya try to get the damn thing legal. They make that so friggin impossible, it's a joke. Oh, but if I had a car and a job (i.e.-ate shit), I could better afford all my animals...that everybody already fucks with me about. It's STUPID to have so many animals, remember? Okay, then...having a job will make it so you have money for other things. What other things? Which ones are that damned important? The only one I can come up with is getting Eric a lawyer so he can have his goddamned life back, but, fuck man. That, I'd need my Dad's job and seniority to pay for. Ain't ever gonna have THAT. I'm not stupid. Hell, my Dad DOES have that, and he's not that much better off than me with being able to save money. He's usually sorta broke too, just on a much grander scale...oh good. Yes. Let me do THAT. My tiny mess of a life isn't enough...let me do it BIGGER. (siiiigh....)

The biggest part of my resistance to all this is that I don't wanna be like 'them'...'them' being the ones who win big...the liars, the cheaters, the users....I'd rather be broke and keep my personal integrity and dignity than throw it aside and jump in the cesspool. Ya jump in the cesspool, even if yer not a bonafide turd, yer still gonna smell like shit. Yer still gonna get that effulent all over yerself. How in the name of Gawd is that worth it? Because you get to say "Ha ha. By association and due to the fact that I'm covered in shit and stink to high heaven, no one can now see that I'm NOT like you bottom feeding slimes, BUT...that's fine, because now I get to go home and play with my 'things'"...?
Dear God.
Now...these 'things' are supposed to be what makes it worth it. They're to be what recharges you, thereby enabling you to go out again the next day to eat another load of shit from some sexually frustrated, middle management dolt, whose sole purpose in life is to make people miserable because he is.
Fuuuuck that.
But...wait. Not allowed to say that, am I?
I can plainly see it's all shit. There is no amount of material goods on this entire planet that, to me, are worth having to be used, lied to, ripped off, fucked over and shit on for. I am sorry. But, it's just not worth it. To me.
I understand, now, that, worth it or not, I have no choice. It's either participate in this crooked bullshit or do what I've been doing...fucking with no one, no one (or the barest minimum of people) fuckin' with me. I made a deal with the world a few years back. You, world...fuck off and so will I. You leave me alone and I won't fuck with you either.
But...that's wrong.
Knowingly participating in a crooked, bullshit scam isn't wrong. (It's NOT???)
No. Choosing not to is wrong.
That sooo does not make sense. To me.
I mean, hell, if I HAVE to just because everybody else does, then that cop, Serpico, was wrong. Hey...he saw what it was and he rebelled. He shoulda just gone along for the ride. How dare he stand up and shout "This is WROOOOONG!!!" and try to not get drug into it? He fought it and 'won', if you call winning losing everything up to and almost including his life. Wanna know what he managed to get 'changed'? The fact that he was a cop and had a career. That's what he changed. That shit he fought against still goes on.
So, fighting an 'it' that big and firmly entrenched is stupid. Going along is also unacceptable.
What's left?
Existing. Surviving. That's all that's left. And, ya don't need 40 million pounds of 'things' to do that.
Dad said that, basically, about the only thing left is to go live on a mountain and be all alone, live off the land and just be. Yeah...I know that. Don't even fool yerself into thinking I haven't thought of that. Those 'mountain men' people who live in places like Idaho and wherever make more and more sense every time I think about'em...EXCEPT...they don't get left alone, either.
Ruby Ridge, anyone? That name ring a bell?
The only REAL way to get through this is to be as much of a 'non-person' as you can. Lay low, don't attract attention, ask for nothing, get that and go on.
That I can do. Yeah, maybe it is stupid, but, it's MY stupid, not the world's, or the government's, or anybody elses. It's mine.
Not that it's all that much better to be able to say "Yeah, I'm still getting fucked, but at least it's my own dick...", but it is true. Being alive equals getting fucked. End of story. You should at least be able to choose what gets shoved up yer ass. Ya know?

Here's another example...I've been re-reading a book called "Careless Whispers" about three teenagers who were killed in Waco, Texas in the early 80's. The why's and who's don't matter right now...tho, it is a good book. The point is, is that this one cop, Truman Simons, was driven to solve this case, even though it took almost (or maybe a bit more than) a year, because he was enraged that these kids had had their 'futures stolen from them'. Now, I'm not about to try to say that David, the dude who killed them, did them a favor, but...how does Simons know what they're futures were gonna be? They could've been about to get drug down the highway to hell by life, like me. So...to my way of thinking, he (Truman) shoulda let the rage at the senselessness of David's reasons for killing them be the driving force. Not that 'future' shit. Hell, David may have saved them from God-knows-how-many years of heartbreak, pain and frustration. Course, he may also have stupidly killed the person who was gonna find a cure for AIDS, too. Who can know for sure? Who even cares? He killed 'em, now he's dead too. That was at least fair. I just didn't get it how Simons could be so convinced that he robbed them of 'wonderful' futures. Maybe I wonder that because all three kids were troubled to begin with. From broken homes, living in a place called "The Methodist Home" and having other problems. I dunno. It's just that everytime I read that, I think "Well, Truman...I'd not have thought of it that way, but...you go, Dude." I'd have gone after him simply because what he did was WRONG and, godDAMN it, I'm sick of seeing people get away with shit like that.

Shit. I dunno. Sure, I can admit that my way of doing things isn't exactly condusive to obtaining 'things', but that's never been my point. My point, my goal, my fondest desire...is to not ever be fucked with for fun or profit ever again. I have gotten that, as much as is possible being alive. Maybe after a bit more time of this, of being minimally fucked, I'll get to where I start to want those 'things'. It certainly seems like I SHOULD, according to just everybody.
But, if I don't? Does that make me bad? Does that make me a loser? Does that mean that I deserve what I've been handed as a life or that I don't deserve anything good or 'extra' just because I don't wanna be a shit?

Lord.

Now, I hear another buddy in my head saying "Yes, but...if you'd go get that help I keep talking about, get the meds you need to get your head right, it wouldn't all look like this to you." Maybe. But, that requires a leap of faith (in human beings) that I don't have. I coudn't trust my own fuckin' mother to do right by me. How am I supposed to trust some damned doctor who doesn't even know me and is just in it for the money? It's not the people who count, it's the people who can PAY for the help that matter. And that, dang it, smells like bullshit to me, too. Yes, I've tried that, too. Gone to a 'free' clinic place back in Jersey where the first fuckin' question after they find out you don't have money is "Well, who in your life does? We'll go after them for this..." Nope again. I will not ask people who didn't do this to me to pay for it and digging up my rotting mother isn't gonna get them any money, either, soooo...apparently, I'm not worth helping.
Thanks, Health Care Commons, ya mercenary buncha bastards. You did nothing but prove my point to me about myself. I'm not even worth the aggravation to begin with.
Yeah...that helped lots.

So, here I am. Goin' 'round in circles, just hoping it's a drain and that, sooner or later, I'll finally go down it. It (my head) looks like the worlds biggest, baddest, nastiest knot. And, somehow, I'm supposed to WANT to undo it, to begin with, then be able to, period. Again...riiiiight.
It's exactly like this license shit, only huger. See, I don't have my license right now. It got suspended in the first place, because I'm a dork and forgot to pay a ticket. So, I got suspended and didn't know it. Then, I got stopped because my friggin hood wouldn't stay completely closed and SURPRISE!!! "Do you know you're suspended?" Ahhh...no. But I'll take yer word for it, Occifer. So, I go to court and, because the cop wasn't a dick and he was right, I was suspended, I pled guilty and paid the fine. The instant I did that, I got suspended for an additional year, which is over in September. Now...the cute part is I can get my license back RIGHT NOW if I have a job. HOWEVER, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to GET a job WITH my license. Cute, ain't it?
Well, that is my whole entire life in a nutshell. Ya need this to do that, but ya hafta do that to get this.
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Just leave me alone. (Not you guys...the rest of the world.)

I can't even tell myself I need to go eat shit in the name of Eric, because I simply cannot make enough soon enough, no matter how much shit I eat, to get him a lawyer. Everyday that passes sees him get into the shithole deeper and it's already so huge, it makes my head shit look like a mere rash, or something.
So, in order to kill his dragon, I have to slay my own, on my own, first. And, I barely have the energy or motivation to breathe most days.
Oh yeah....this oughta be fuuuuun.

The one good thing in all this, the one thing that's different now than it's ever been beore is this: This is NOT dragging me back down, this time.
It's pissing me off.
I can feel the beginnings of "Okay, fine. I have to be an asshole, which is the only way to get ahead in this bullshit game? Well, then, I will be. But, I'm gonna be the best, baddest, biggest, bleeding-est asshole y'all ever saw." I don't do anything half-assed to begin with. Why start then? And, God knows I have been subjected to enough lessons on the subject to start out at the Pro level....
And...the first person who bitches about what a wank I am, gets it. Right in the throat and I don't care if I get locked up. Don't sit here telling me I HAVE TO do this shit, but can't do it up right. I HAVE TO? Okay.
I will.
Fuck it. This being nice shit doesn't get ya anywhere, right? Fine.

"My brain swing like a pedulum do....Dipshits in my face, two by two...."

I do rather feel like I'm gonna have another chance at this shit when I get my license back. All I need to do now is get my shit together and be ready when the time comes. Hopefully by then, the majority of the 'pissed-ness' will have abated. Otherwise, I can see where it may not work out again.
I think what I want to do is use the anger now, to get myself ready. Lose the weight, get tough, learn to be mean....learn how to start fucking back.

God only helps those who help themsleves, right?
Well, I hope to hell He forgives them, too.

(Fade out to the sound of the beginning of the original "Rocky" theme.....)

Peace.
(On a quest for it now. I'll keep ya's posted...lol)

Posted by: Stevie at 05:28 AM

Comments

Posted by: Mad William Flint at March 03, 2004 10:25 AM (jRssG)

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