Hmmm...

How to explain this?
(Tapping fingernails on desk...)

Okay.
Here is a brutal truth about me.

This made me giggle.
Had that been yet another picture of a dead animal, it would have either pissed me off, hurt me or even made me cry, if it was senseless and cruel enough. Like that horrible video I saw somewhere on here (I DO remember where, I just ain't sayin') showing a lion being killed by about 4 or 5 pussies with guns. (5 to 1...who ARE you assholes? Jim Fuckin' Morrison?)
But...this? (Same link) Hardly.
The fact that this fucknoodle was a gang-banger matters not a whit to me, except to make the phrase 'poetic justice' run through my mind.
What matters (and is making me wonder about me, again...) is that absolute FACT that dead humans incite almost no reaction in me AT ALL.
Certain, specific people...yes. Even all those people who died on 9/11/01 that I didn't even know hurt me, to an extent. I can't see Todd Beamers face and huge smile without my eyes filling with tears. Losing people I've loved has sucked just as bad (almost) EVERY SINGLE TIME it's happened, no matter how many had died before. (I say 'almost' because not every death has hurt me to the same degree, nor for as long. For instance, my mom dying bothered me a lot less when it happened and still to this day, than losing Andy Harris did. Andy still tears me up and I believe it always will. Mom being dead is mostly just a relief. Sad, maybe, but truer than hell.)
Anyway...my point is...even the worst kinda human death bothers me one HELL of a lot less, if it even bothers me at all, than ANY animal deaths. I will never truly understand why, for instance Pit Bulls are destroyed for being abused and trained to mean when murderers of other, supposedly 'better-than-animals' humans are allow to live.
The dog was trained, on purpose, to be the way he is. The human kills mostly just for shits-n-giggles or some equally stupid reason.

Animals are killed by the thousands every day, all day long, for more reasons than I can even imagine. Overpopulation, for instance. What horseshit. Out of all the creatures God ever put on this planet, which one is really the most over-populated and doing the most damage?
Deer?
Cats and dogs?
Pigeons?
Lions and tigers and bears...oh my? fucking God!!!

Fuck NO, it ain't the animals.

It's humans.

Yet, it's a huge tragedy every fuckin' time one of those assholes dies...to most people, that is. Even if the majority of people agree it was no huge loss, like this piece of shit, I can guarantee you, there will be at least one dipshit somewhere (probably on the news) mourning the loss of this murderin' waste of sperm and thinkin' I'm twisted and evil because I could not possibly care less about the dead human asshole if I tried.

Oh fuckin' well.

I feel about most humans the way most humans feel about animals.
Except that I don't target them for abuse and 'sport' the way some people do animals. Mostly, it's just that I give about as much of a damn about humans dropping dead as they do about animals being killed or dying.

I don't think this is something about me that I can 'fix', either. It's too deep, too ingrained. I mean, the only people whose deaths affect me are the ones I know personally or whom I can get a sense of as a person, like the 9/11 victims. But, when I think of the human population in general, the world over, I'd be less emotionally and mentally upset by all of them dying than by, say, hearing of entire dairy herds having to be destroyed because of foot-and-mouth. That kills me.
An epidemic that wipes out a country makes me...what? Well, that's just it, I guess. It doesn't make do anything or feel anything except, maybe...bored. And like it's probably karma, anyway, so who cares, even more.
Put it this way...I've not wanted to ever live any of the Stephen King stories I've read so often...except for "The Stand". That would be fine. I could do that.
I can look at dead people all day long. Forensic pathology fascinates me. Autopsies intrigue me. Dead people are my favorite kind, so to speak. ('So to speak', my ass. That's just a fact...)

Yet, animals-whether I 'know' them or not-break my heart into tiny pieces when they die and if they're killed, or purpose or not, it also fills me with rage. Especially when it's because HUMANS (again with these jerkoffs) are too lame to be able to avoid running them over, or worse, do it on purpose, or when little humans torture and kill them because they (those sick little fucks) find it fun. I can't even watch half the shit on Animal Planet, like Emergency Vets or Animal Cops because when even those animals die or are killed or abused, I lose it for hours...hours.

I dunno about this shit.

I'm not even sure exactly why I've said all this except I saw that picture of the idiot under the truck, saw the picture of the tire impression in his chest and thought "Heh...better seeing that tire impression this way, for a change, than imbedded in yet another animal." Then, I laughed. More than once. Only sad part is, they won't leave HIM to lie beside the road, swelling up til he explodes, the way it's done with animals. And HE deserves it.
Oh, and the guy who killed him stopped. Dumbass. Probably wouldn't have if he'd run over an animal.

Aaanyway...why did I write all this? Maybe to see if it's really true and understandable and even explanable to at least myself.
It is.
I'm not sure what that means or says about me. I'm not even sure if I really care. Hell, if somebody doesn't like me, they're cordially invited to piss off, of course.
I just kinda wonder, sometimes...

Right or wrong, it's the way I am.
And I'm tired of feeling like I have to apologize for it, too.
Never again will I preface the remarks of a broken heart with the phrase "I know it was only my cat..or dog..or rabbit...or goat...or horse...." or any of my other four-footed, furry and feathered compadres. (Damn...I'm about to cry..what the fuck?)
(Think I still feel like shit for all the times I 'had to' say that when Snuffles disappeared and no he's not come back. Damn it.)

Okay...time to put "Bio-Dome" in and giggle at the absurdity that is Pauly Shore while I ponder the alleged absurdity of the way I am.

I value animals more than humans.
So kill me.
(Instead of them, for once...)

Posted by: Stevie at 02:32 AM

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Posted by: helen at June 01, 2009 01:32 AM (4oRUg)

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