Still don't quite get it, do ya?
I'm glad you're willing to.... leave a note and at least try to try to fix it, but...
*siiigh*
That's sad. Sad as that is, there's another element even sadder. That'd be the second half of that sentence. Can't, won't, whatever, do it just because you know how much to upsets me to have to put up with it, not to mention that you said that you don't like it either, but you'll do it just because he's not around much anyway? Ow. So, it's still not "for us", but "because of him", or the lack thereof. owowow Other reasons you've decided to put an end to this (meaning me and my continuing discomfort) include, but are not limited to wanting it to be "okay" to be around me again, I know, and because you know, as you've already said, that you'll handle it next time he calls.
In a few months.
When you're sure to remember it, even before you listen to his latest load of shit.
In a few months, when I'll seem to have forgotten it.
In a few months, when you won't have to actually do or say anything. Geez, Duuuude.
How stupid does you think I is? "Incredibly" is the word you're groping for... Look, if I was the kind of person who deals in facades, this would all be good.
But, that's not who I am.
Facades are bullshit. You know what I mean, too, because we've talked about it before, when we drive past those estates and mention to each other that, no matter how pretty the outsides of those houses are, you never know how miserable the people in them are and how we'd both rather have a shit lookin' house with us in it than a mansion with anybody else. Well, this way of handling this is kinda the same thing. This is like slapping a coat of paint on a wreck of a car and calling it "good".
Then, trying to sell it as a real running car. While I understand these concepts, I don't really know how to do that, to live like that. I'm the kind that wants to go inside and fix the root of the problem so it doesn't become a problem again.
Kinda like most men always wanna do. So, the way it stands, you're happy with a gorgeous piece of shit car and I want what might be the ugliest frickin' thing on the road, but that'll suck the paint offa anything else out there. If we can figure out how to combine the best of both, we'd have it all, damn it. But, this, I cannot do alone and it's not your fault if this is the way you really feel and if it's not, it's not my fault I came to this conclusion, based on what you've said, wrote and this afternoon, screamed. So, we do, Houston, have a big-assed problem here. But, ya know what?
I've got too much else going on to dwell on it.
Plus, frankly, it's scares the hell out of me because it looks for all the world like the first major disparity between us and in my experience, these things are usually the harbingers of the beginning of the end. Maybe not, this time.
I can't say.
PshychO, not psychIC, remember? All I do know is that I honestly don't feel we are or I am the most important thing to you.
Neither we are, nor am I, your first though or motivation. While, at the same time, what I'm doing IS exactly that.
Mostly, it's for you, secondly for us, thirdly, maybe, for my own sense of self-worth. What the fuck is it about this guy or doing this, telling him to stop, that gets to you so much?
Da hell are you afraid of?
And, while I'm here, what da hell are you so scared of talking honestly about this, or any other matters of the heart, important things, with ME for? Yeah, I know you've never be asked, allowed or whatever, to do it before, but Jesus, man, it's all I've done my whole life. C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E-D. It, and having an affinity for animals and singing, is what I do.
It's what God gave me.
They're my gifts. I have to use them or die inside.
Don't you get that? It's not a hard thing to do, but first you MUST have trust.
You've got to be able to allow yourself to trust somebody, ANYBODY, enough to open up to them. And, uummm... I was, uh... I thought... Put it this way...
if yer ever gonna do that, now would be the time and I'd be the person.
Maybe this'll sound fucked up, I dunno, but, if there IS anybody on this entire planet you CAN trust, it's me, you obtuse person, you. I just hope you really, really do learn to do it before it becomes too late. Why do you think I'm even here?
Why do you think I'm doing alla this?
Why do you think I've been here all along?
Why do you believe with all your heart that, someday, I'm just gonna leave you anyway, so what's the point?
Because, you do, ya know. You still don't trust me (nor would you any other chick, I know, it still doesn't make it any better) enough to even talk to me, so the issue of you not trusting me to stay is a no-brainer. Not only is it easy to see, it's also a no-brainer, in that only someone with no brain would believe that, frankly. You need to figure out what you wanna do.
Then, let me know, okay? Is it gonna be like it is now, forever?
Or are you going to let yourself trust me enough that we can keep moving forward together? It's your call, your choice, your scab to remove. I won't let you bleed to death if you do remove it.
I also won't throw salt, dirt or germs into it. I'll heal it and make it stronger than it was originally, if you'll just let me.
See, first you have to let yourself (trust me), then you have to let me (love you), and when you do that, you'll be letting "us"...
You'll be letting us grow, learn and move on TOGETHER. Which is really all I've ever wanted in my life.
One person to have this with. So...
what do you say?
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