This is weird...

A little while ago, I was watching this 80's movie called "About Last Night" and there's a song in it by Bob Seegar called "Living Inside My Heart". The instant it started, so did I. I totally lost it. I started feeling all kinds of stuff that just overwhelmed me. It's all to do with Eric, too. And, the way it was and the way it still can be and the way that it probably is right now, except I'm too bunged up to see it, or something. Sometimes, the idea of losing him in any way at all is more than I can bear. It just drives me to my knees. It makes my heart literally hurt. It's a huge tornado-like swirl of love, fear, guilt, need..it's so big it just mows me down.
I spend 99% of my time avoiding things that bring it up, like certain songs, a coupla movies, Eric....it really sucks. Add to that the fact that I'm currently not anywhere near being able to fit into those 29" waist jeans, thus making me ill at the thought of....well...that (sex)...and it gets pretty fucked up. Or, I do, anyway.
So, I go to Yahoo mail to write to him about this. (Normally, I'd do it on paper. It's usually pretty long and as it goes on, my handwriting gets worse and worse and my hand cramps, so I decided to type instead. AND, it was the first time I had tried this...) However, in the middle of it all, the stupid computer freezes up and I had to shut it down and start all over.
In the meantime, I had to get Eric up. After I did, he tells me about this dream he had. To make a long dream story short; in it, we were in the woods and a huge, huge mountain lion showed up and I wouldn't shut up so it would go away because I just haaad to see it up close. Eric said he was shushing me, but I wouldn't stop singing. He even dunked me underwater (we were at a stream) and he could still hear me. (At this point, as he was acting out me burbling under water, I was nearly pissin' myself laughing...singing to attract a mountain lion?) Then, he goes on to tell me that this mountain lion came over to him and with one claw on each side, picked him up and was smelling his belly. That's when I woke him up.
Now, what the hell is that? He's in there having a nightmare (that is just running away with my mind, I might add...) and I'm out here freaking out because I feel like I'm losing him somehow.
I don't know what it all means, but, to be perfectly blunt, I am currently scared shitless that something could happen to him that I've somehow done or caused...even if I don't know what that be.
The 'beast-smelling-him' part reminded me of his BC. She used to do that shit to him everyday. Head to toe.
What disturbs me (to no end) is that I attracted the beast.
What am I doing, or what is going on that his mind would serve that concept up?
Jesus...am I doing that somehow? If I am, I need to find out NOW what it is that I'm doing that's doing that and STOP IT.
Or it coulda just been another in an endless series of bizarre dreams he's had since childhood that's hitting me wrong because I'm all raw about this other shit.

I don't know.

I am planning an 'exorcism', of sorts. Later on, when I get the chicken potpie put together and done except for the cooking and I'm here by myself for a while, I'm going to listen to "The Heart of Chicago", which is a CD I bought right before we got together. It rips me back to day one. It also pierces right through the layers and makes me feel the things I have to feel to be alive. It hurts, yeah, but it's a helpful, supportive, worth-it-in-the-end kinda hurting that Chicago will help me through. Thank God Himself for 70's love songs. I do, everyday. With that and Bread and the Bee Gees and assorted others, I'll be able to say what I feel and feel what I say. (Yeah...I know. Saying what I feel isn't really the problem, is it? No. It's the feeling what I say end that gets me. That's the part that brings me to tears every time.)

Anyway...if I have any gas left after the potpie and the exorcism, I'll do a quick post before I pass out just to let ya know if I made it or not.

And...
Thank you guys, too, for being here. Knowing that you are makes me feel a little bit stronger before I've even started. I also feel better that poor Eric isn't all alone with me and my retarded (depressed) mind. That makes it that much easier to let it go and get it....sorted out....fixed....under control for a little longer. How ever ya wanna say it. I just wanna say thank you again.

Peace.

Posted by: Stevie at 06:25 AM

Comments

Posted by: eric at January 22, 2004 07:07 PM (9PZMa)

Posted by: Stevie at January 22, 2004 07:47 PM (b4WVs)

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