He was one of my best friends...
And, I don't believe I'm really getting over this.
I don't think I ever will.
He died when we had "house guests".
He died right when I was in the middle of loving and needing him so fuckin' much and it was about to increase.
Hell, it DID increase, but... he's dead. Wish I was, instead. A tremendous, horse-sized and shaped part of me is anyway, so what would be the difference? And Brandy? She ain't Storm.
She doesn't even try. She gives me shit, sometimes, about going places and I hafta get Eric and Action to go first, which mostly precludes me from ever being able to ride her unless Eric feels like going too and I have... had... more time and inclination to ride than he does... did. Can't do that now. On toppa which, now she's limping. Wonderful. Thanks, God, for the "help" here.
Yes, I am pissed at You.
Again. Why do You do this shit to me?
What the fuck did I ever do to You to deserve this shit?
Can't I even have one damned thing that's alllll good?
Like Storm was? As much as I like it, my job ain't it.
All it is right now is enough to keep us alive and me going back every time I can, but it's not enough to get us AHEAD. My body is still too fat and I don't eat SHIT anymore. Now, I've also got my useless, painful, maddening and hateful PERIOD to deal with AGAIN.
Jesus fuckin' CHRIST, why can't/won't my stupid uterus just dry up or fall the fuck out?
I hate being me.
And, I hate being a female even more. My car is... a mess.
I love it, but it don't love me. Storm did. I've got approximately 8700 kittens around here again, but I can't let myself fall in love with and enjoy them, because I can't KEEP them and getting to know them, then getting rid of them (even to really good people) kills me and I don't need any more of that. All I really want right now is Storm back.
I need him.
Badly. I don't have anybody around now that has the time, patience or desire to just hang out, like I did with him. It's just not there with Brandy. Probably because she's a female.
That's typical. Why him?
Might as well have been me, for all the heart GOD took from me. Why, Old Man, did You do this to me?
WHY?!?!?!!? Why do You hate me so much? First, my childhood with that insane cunt of a mother.
Then, I get to completely lose my Dad like he died, only he didn't, I just got replaced.
Then, there's every nitwit, boneheaded dickhole I tried to love and got used by.
Then, you give me Eric, but not totally.
Oh no.
Can't have that.
MUST keep him tied to that useless cuntbag WHORE in Jersey til it kills me, huh? Fine. If You hate me this much, why don't You just KILL ME and send me to REAL Hell, you Shit? Yes, I just called You a SHIT, God, and I don't care because You ARE one. Look at me.
Look at my whole life.
Look at what I'm trying to do now. Couldn't you at least have left Storm alone?
Would that have been so much to ask? Why do You hate me?
And, why do You act like You don't sometimes?
Is that just to draw me in closer?
To give me a false sense of "maybe He doesn't HATE ME", when You fuckin' well DO? Fuck, You're mean. You wanna know what I "have" right now? Weed. That's it. And, for some fucked up, stupid reason that I don't know, I'm not even using that to it's fullest extent or I wouldn't be feeling alla this BULLSHIT, would I?
No. Why don't You just gimme a break, GOD? Either that, or just leave me alone. I have enough to deal with without having to shuck and jive and play Your horseshit games, Ya know? If You don't want to help me, that's fine.
But, do You have to go out of Your way to fuck me over? Killing Storm was WRONG.
It was wronger than I can even comprehend right this minute, but I can feel it and Hell has nothing on it. And, that "Footprints in the Sand" shit?
Pfft.
If that's what this is supposed to be, I do believe You're dragging me face down behind You, not carrying me, through the sand, Dude. Just let go of my foot and leave me there, okay? I have enough sand in enough orifices to last me the rest of my miserable excuse for a life and I need Your brand of "help" about as much as I need a dick growing outta my forehead.
Or a dead Appaloosa. One of which I already have. And, unfortunately, You mean old man, it's NOT a dick growing outta my forehead, which, if I had been ASKED, I'd have chosen over being robbed of one of the best friends I've ever had. Do You even CARE about that?
At all?
And, don't lie because I already know You don't. And, another thing... about this UTTER BULLSHIT that You don't give anybody more to handle than they really can?
Could You have possibly come up with a bigger pile of pure SHIT if You'd tried? You overload me constantly.
Always have.
Always will, right? Yeah, well... bite me.
You're gonna anyway, ain'tcha?
Gonna chew on me, kick me, fuck me over, throw me face down in the dirt then laugh, just like Ya always do... always have. "Here, bitch. Have a psychotic cunt to share being a female with. Hmmm. Let me kill the first one then replace her with an exact replica. Someone who'll keep you away from the only decent parent I see fit to give you. Him, you'll have to start doing without waaaaaay to soon, plus I'm gonna give you the added attraction of it being like he's dead, for all the "relationship" you'll get to ever have with him again, BUT... he won't be dead, he'll just be in New Jersey, alive and well, having a life with everybody but YOU. You do love him the most, so of COURSE I have to do this to you. And, to make it even more fun (for Me), you have to put up with it. What're ya gonna do? I am GOD. I can do you anyway I want and you're powerless to stop Me or change it. Hell, girl, even Stevie Ray Vaughan knows that... "You Can't Change It", remember? You know that song? Heh. Bitch of mine, you not only know that song, I'm making sure you LIVE that song. I'm gonna keep you right where I've got you and always had you. Just close enough to "good" to keep you trying, but never really getting there. It's fun for me. Live with it. Or kill yourself. I really don't care." That about right, God?
That what you're telling me?
'Cause that's the message I'm getting.
Loud and motherfuckin' clear.
Crys-talllll, even. All I wanna know is WHY?????
Fuck everything else.
YOU TELL ME WHY!!!!!! I deserve at least that much, to know why I'm Your personal court jester, the fool in the belled cap who gets killed if anything goes "wrong". And, why don't I get to die? They do. Not me, though.
I just get to keep being alive, mostly hating it, wishing for peace. And, the only true peace is death. That much I've got figure out,
Have had since I was aboooout... nine.
Yeah.
That was when the first atomic bomb went off in my life, supplied by that stupid bitch who birthed me.
Woulda been so easy.
Umbilical cord around my neck.
Breech.
Stillborn. Why not one of those options, instead of this slow multi-year death You've been putting me through all along, if it's not just because this way is more fun for You to watch? Why me? Am I really good at this, or something?
Was I Hitler in a previous life?
Judas, maybe? Fuck man. Why don't You go fuck with somebody else for a while?
Leave me be. I don't hate You yet, but I will if You don't stop. I'm flat-out telling you again...
This is enough.
I've got enough.
I am as overloaded as I can be and all I see coming from You is more shit.
Just don't, okay?
Stop it.
Leave me ALONE, damn it.
If You don't wanna help me, fine.
But, for the love of Your Son, STOP HURTING ME!!!!!!! Or else keep it up and give me Storm back. Your choice. And, if You choose wrong...
Just know that I'm not ABSOLUTELY powerless here.
I CAN make You stop.
And, that crap about spending eternity in hell as a tree, or whatever, doesn't scare me a bit, but, at this point, hanging with YOU for eternity does. Good job, God. Thank You VERY MUCH for this. Why don't You just make me a fire hydrant in a dog park next time? Bastard.
Comments
1
I hate to look like an idiot, but I obviously am. This a pet? Lord, I hate losing one. Crushes my world. Rather lose the spouse. Pet didn't deserve it.
Need help? 1-800-Velociman.
Need help? 1-800-Velociman.
Posted by: Velociman at July 30, 2005 11:09 PM (55nwq)
2
It was a horse Vman.
Posted by: Maeve at July 31, 2005 12:48 AM (6E1RR)
3
"Was" being the operative word.
Yeah, a horse.
But... not JUST a "horse".
Brandy is "just a horse" (so far, anyway).
Storm was... amazing.
Big, beautiful Appaloosa gelding that I had the gift of knowing and loving and hangin' with for about a year and a half.
Then, on June 9th, of this year, he dropped dead on me.
Don't know why, he just did.
I thought I was "handling" it well, but... I'm not.
Obviously.
And, actually, it gets worse instead of better as time goes on.
'Course, I'm still also pissed off about my Dad, my fat and my lack of independant wealth, and let's not forget my latest PLAGUE- my period, but... whatcha gonna do?
Bitch to the blog, natch.
Bitch to the blog, smoke everything that doesn't blow away and work.
Then... work some more.
Maintain, barely, by hanging on with my fingernails, then get totally tripped up by something as mundane and stupid as a period, that is.
That's whatcha gonna do... if you're me.
(Ain't ya glad ya ain't me?)
*grin*
I miss Storm 24/7, but today, when I got up and saw my stupid period is here a-friggin'-GAIN, on top of everything else, I just freaked out.
Sometimes, God just plays my ass too hard.
He forgets that I'm not a real bull and just laaaays it on and on and on.
Then, after so long, I flip da fuck out, rail at Him for it and He backs off.
Just like He did again this time, like I'm about to do a post about, if I'd just shut up here.
I just miss having a place to simply "be", like on Storm, where I don't hafta be working or worrying.
Home, I fret because I'm not at work, not earning money and therefore, mostly worthless.
At work, I'm frettin' about not making ENOUGH that day, whichever day it is.
Useda be, I could come here, shuck off the monkey suit and go "escape" with my big hairy buddy, Storm.
I don't have that anymore.
I still need that, though.
He was one of those "once in a lifetime" horses and I wish I had had him his whole "lifetime".
And, this lifetime I have left without him so far hurts.
I'm not explaining this very well, I know, but, trust me, it's harsh that I have to be without him.
And, yeah, I know... it coulda been worse.
It coulda been... someone else.
But, it didn't need to be to make "it's" point.
Losing Storm is fuckin' me up enough.
Along with the laundry list of other assorted and sundry shit, that is.
It's just life, I suppose, suckin' as usual.
Suckin', but never swallowin'.
Bitch.
*lmao*
Anyway, off to do the post....
Yeah, a horse.
But... not JUST a "horse".
Brandy is "just a horse" (so far, anyway).
Storm was... amazing.
Big, beautiful Appaloosa gelding that I had the gift of knowing and loving and hangin' with for about a year and a half.
Then, on June 9th, of this year, he dropped dead on me.
Don't know why, he just did.
I thought I was "handling" it well, but... I'm not.
Obviously.
And, actually, it gets worse instead of better as time goes on.
'Course, I'm still also pissed off about my Dad, my fat and my lack of independant wealth, and let's not forget my latest PLAGUE- my period, but... whatcha gonna do?
Bitch to the blog, natch.
Bitch to the blog, smoke everything that doesn't blow away and work.
Then... work some more.
Maintain, barely, by hanging on with my fingernails, then get totally tripped up by something as mundane and stupid as a period, that is.
That's whatcha gonna do... if you're me.
(Ain't ya glad ya ain't me?)
*grin*
I miss Storm 24/7, but today, when I got up and saw my stupid period is here a-friggin'-GAIN, on top of everything else, I just freaked out.
Sometimes, God just plays my ass too hard.
He forgets that I'm not a real bull and just laaaays it on and on and on.
Then, after so long, I flip da fuck out, rail at Him for it and He backs off.
Just like He did again this time, like I'm about to do a post about, if I'd just shut up here.
I just miss having a place to simply "be", like on Storm, where I don't hafta be working or worrying.
Home, I fret because I'm not at work, not earning money and therefore, mostly worthless.
At work, I'm frettin' about not making ENOUGH that day, whichever day it is.
Useda be, I could come here, shuck off the monkey suit and go "escape" with my big hairy buddy, Storm.
I don't have that anymore.
I still need that, though.
He was one of those "once in a lifetime" horses and I wish I had had him his whole "lifetime".
And, this lifetime I have left without him so far hurts.
I'm not explaining this very well, I know, but, trust me, it's harsh that I have to be without him.
And, yeah, I know... it coulda been worse.
It coulda been... someone else.
But, it didn't need to be to make "it's" point.
Losing Storm is fuckin' me up enough.
Along with the laundry list of other assorted and sundry shit, that is.
It's just life, I suppose, suckin' as usual.
Suckin', but never swallowin'.
Bitch.
*lmao*
Anyway, off to do the post....
Posted by: Stevie at July 31, 2005 06:06 AM (bSBhT)
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