May 14, 2005

Urkel Moments in Hollywood

What is an "Urkel Moment?"

Any time you suddenly stop and say "did I do that?" Named after the character Steve Urkel, who made a (brief) career out of doing just that in the the television sitcom Family Matters. You know, the one where the youngest TV daughter grew up to do porn movies.*

Did I do that?

I'd make bets that you've mentally asked yourself that after breaking up with someone. Any incriminating photos in your past (Dr. Laura - nsfw)?

"I'm not saying I'm gay or anything, but I would so do David Hasselhoff." from the Urban Dictionary

One night while stationed in Alabama my wife and I and another couple went to a drive-in theater we'd heard about that showed porn movies. I don't remember a thing about the movies we saw except for one item. One of the male stars was none other than David Hasselhoff. This was pre-Knight Rider days and long before Baywatch. But he was still a star, appearing as a regular and important character on the CBS soap opera The Young and the Restless. His character name? Snapper. I shit you not.

I wonder what he got paid for doing that porn movie? Definitely an Urkel moment.

Did you know that Harlan (Colonel) Sanders used to offer free fried chicken to movie crews if they'd give him walk-on bit parts? It's true, and there are several very forgettable movies in which he makes an appearance. Something I didn't realize was that the man was 6'5" tall, so he often literally stood head and shoulders above the other characters in a scene.

Probably best known as the upper and lower left corners of the original Hollywood Squares game shows, Wally Cox and Charlie Weaver each fell into doing parts in crap movies after their careers faded. Cox in particular did some really odd and disturbing work making use of his milquetoast personna.

Neil Sedaka's Urkel Moment is undoubtedly an uncredited appearance (probably the wisest thing he ever did, the uncredited part that is) in a 70's movie called Chatterbox. Here's the plot synopsis:

A young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble.

Who says Hollywood has gone to hell lately?

Titled with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, you know this one is on my "track down and see someday" list.

* The youngest daughter on Family Matters was named Jaimee Foxworth, so if you believe at all in karma, then that name doomed her to porn right from the start. Her porn star name was Crave and she starred in flicks such as "Booty Talk #20". She's since "found God" and is trying to get back into mainstream acting. And no, I've never seen any of her movies, but Google is my friend.

Posted by: Ted at 08:58 AM | Comments (38) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

For those with the balls to think big

main-frame ('mAn-frAm noun): An obsolete device still used by thousands of obsolete companies and government entities, serving billions of obsolete customers and obsolete constituents, making huge obsolete profits for obsolete shareholders, and this year's obsolete models run twice as fast as last year's.

Posted by: Ted at 06:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 13, 2005

What a difference a couple of letters makes

If you type "36DD" into Google, you'll get page after page of porn sites.

If you type "36HH" into Google, you'll get page after page of online bra stores.

Posted by: Ted at 08:21 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Carnival of the Recipes is up

This week it's hosted by fellow-Munuvian Boudicca, who is automatically tres chic because she and I share the same birthday.*

So go visit, I've already noted several new dishes that go straight into my "to try" recipe binder.

*Better than some cheap parlor trick, that it happened is a statistical certainty! Look it up! Now. You're on the freakin' internet, get your lazy butt over to Google and look. It. Up. And if you ask me how to spell "statistical" I'll answer

"d...i...c...t...i...o...n...a...r...y".

Kids these days. Sheesh.

Posted by: Ted at 12:02 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 I realized we had the same birthday when I first started reading you.

I think if you go back 9 months you'll find we're definitely holiday party babies!

Posted by: Boudicca at May 13, 2005 09:17 PM (z7nbM)

2 Well, a near certainty.

Give us a few more months and it will be a certainty!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at May 14, 2005 06:30 AM (+S1Ft)

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Ouch, if this is correct (updated)

The Base Realignment and Closure (BRAC) list has reportedly been leaked, and there are some surprises.

Fort Belvoir, Virginia is on the list.

Grand Forks AFB, North Dakota is on the list.

Redstone Arsenal, Alabama is on the list.

Belvoir is local to where I live, and I spent five winters in Grand Forks (you can read the stories here). Redstone is steeped in history in regards to American space programs.

Like I said, if the leaked list is accurate... ouch.

UPDATE: The list as originally linked to above is not very accurate. For instance, Redstone Arsenal is indeed on the final list, but not for closure. It will actually be growing as personnel from other organizations are transferred there.

Likewise, Grand Forks is not closing, but will lose over 2,600 personnel in realignment.

My third example, Fort Belvoir will actually gain 11,000+ people.

Exit polls and leaked reports, you just can't trust 'em. Here's the official list (.pdf format).

Thanks to Wizbang for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 06:12 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Banner Contest Results!

Official results later, after we locate some missing absentee ballots.

Also, I'd like to officially announce that there was almost zero participation by minorities in the voting process, but it was due to the fact that my street cred is right up there alongside Pat Boone, not that we disenfranchised an entire class of people for nefarious purposes.

In the meantime, enjoy the apparent winner, subject to change by recount or lawsuit.

Posted by: Ted at 06:03 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

The difference between ignorance and apathy

I don't know and I don't care.

Posted by: Ted at 04:42 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Beautiful flowers

Photographed in a way you may have never seen before, by x-ray. Thanks to Lynn S for pointing this one out.

Posted by: Ted at 04:16 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 12, 2005

Somebody's momma hated them

From Not Exactly Rocket Science, this Amazon list of unfortunately named authors. Funny stuff!

Posted by: Ted at 07:09 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Adjust your links

Who Tends the Fires has moved.

Posted by: Ted at 06:27 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Estupido!

Nothing in particular, I just love the way that sounds when you say it loudly.

Posted by: Ted at 05:41 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Rocket Jones Blog Banner Contest - Time to Vote!

Stuck up top for a week, scroll down for new posts.

A month ago I wrote this:

Here's your chance to be creative. Design a banner for Rocket Jones. Drawing, painting, photography, simple, complex, I don't care. Enter as many as you'd like.

Then I mentioned voting for favorites and actual prizes and what not. Banners were thunked up, creativity was exercised, and links were tossed about with abandon.

They're all gathered in the extended entry (in no particular order) for your perusal. Some you've seen before, some were last minute arrivals, all are super-neato-keen. Check 'em out and vote for your favorite by leaving a comment.

Thank you.

Posted by: Ted at 02:28 PM | Comments (30) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 Oh, this is hard. I like a bunch of them. The rocket in the pocket is hilarious but I'm also very keen on the 50's retro sign. I like the medieval one too.

Drat.

Okay, if I have to pick only one I'll cast my vote for the 50's retro sign.

Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 08:57 AM (tyQ8y)

2 I gotta go with the Rocketeer Extraordinaire banner. My second choice would be the Rocket Jones .mu.nu banner with the lady and the kid riding the rocket. It reminds me of the old Golden Age pulp covers, like something you would have seen on a van Vogt book or Astounding Tales.

Posted by: eric at May 05, 2005 10:03 AM (ZUryZ)

3 The 1950's banner caught my eye, but I gotta go with the Bayeux Tapestry version. Nobody else has anything like it!

Plus, the "Rocket in your Pocket" one misspells "Jonesin'" - and uses an open single quotation mark instead of an apostrophe. Yeah, call me Mr. Grammar-Pants.

Posted by: Elisson at May 05, 2005 10:37 AM (6RZ2o)

4 50's Retro!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at May 05, 2005 11:38 AM (+S1Ft)

5 woot!

The tapestry design is truly inspired, but since nobody is voting for the Werner Von Braun design (I can vote for my own, right? I can't? oh.)

tapestry.

Posted by: Derek at May 05, 2005 12:08 PM (wEVXE)

6 I like the pocket, the medievil one and the one with the lady and kid on the rocket. Also the road sign one. Just put 'em in rotation, Ted!

Posted by: Susie at May 05, 2005 01:27 PM (IPJ6q)

7 They're all going into the rotation, we're just choosing up who gets the secret prize.

Posted by: Ted at May 05, 2005 02:33 PM (blNMI)

8 It's hard to pick just one. I like the "Rocketeer Extraordinaire" a lot...but I gotta go with the tapestry.

Posted by: Victor at May 05, 2005 03:12 PM (L3qPK)

9 numbero seis! or as you darn gringitos would say, ::counts fingers:: "this many!"

(number six!)

Posted by: kyer at May 05, 2005 03:38 PM (oY0vI)

10 Wow, those are cool.

The '50's one is the coolest of the cool, I think.

Posted by: nic at May 05, 2005 04:50 PM (Sx8zO)

11 How about just rotating the lot of them?

Posted by: ethne at May 05, 2005 09:34 PM (jBfSi)

12 '50's retro rocket! Luv it!

2nd choice would prolly be the medievel one, followed closely by the rocket in the pocket.

I also like the simplicity and color of numero seis.

And my German isn't just a little rusty, it's dust. But, I think that reads "This can not BE! Oh, well! It IS... Rocket Jones!" Is that right, Beuller?

Beuller...?

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 05, 2005 10:10 PM (g5pve)

13 Ooops! I meant numero cinco! Damn dusty Spanish...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 05, 2005 10:21 PM (g5pve)

14 Wow!They're all so cool.If I gotta choose I choose the retro.My grandma had one of those wild designs on her kitchen table.Red counter tops with the gold metal flakes,the drinking bird,the string art and the bullfighter on black velvet hanging on the wall,the drinking glass from a bottle cutter,rabbit ears,Speed Racer and Ultraman with Captain Chesapeake in the afternoon on UHF 45,the huge strawberry cookie jar..........oh,man I'm really flashin'!!!!!

Posted by: Russ at May 06, 2005 12:23 AM (ObxzR)

15 Spork, you're *almost* right. It's not "oh well!", it's "oh shit!"

LOL I knows me German swear words.

Posted by: Ted at May 06, 2005 07:55 AM (blNMI)

16 I like the 6th one down best.

Posted by: Maelstrom at May 06, 2005 01:14 PM (GzvlQ)

17 I like the fifth one down the best, although I like the second and third ones too.

Posted by: Donna at May 06, 2005 01:38 PM (zBzvc)

18 I like the midevil one myself. They're all top notch, though.

Posted by: Paul at May 06, 2005 03:04 PM (vbP6L)

19 The tapestry one.

Posted by: LeeAnn at May 06, 2005 03:51 PM (vqSdN)

20 I too...have to say 1950's inspired design. Why? I think Rocket Jones sounds like some sort of 1950's TV show.....

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at May 06, 2005 03:54 PM (pN/vX)

21 1950's

Posted by: pam at May 07, 2005 08:21 AM (l6NIn)

22 Even though I have several up there, I have to say I like the 50's retro is great! Even if I did not do it!!!

Posted by: Amy at May 07, 2005 09:08 AM (tPzR0)

23 I like the pocket one, only the "jonesin'" part needs to be fixed, and that bottom line should be knocked down a point size or two.

I am an editor who works with designers all day -- can you tell? I drive them nuts.

Posted by: dawn at May 07, 2005 10:24 AM (Dh1V0)

24 I like the Rocket in the Pocket, the second one, and the 6th.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at May 07, 2005 01:53 PM (eI45D)

25 I vote for the tapestry banner. Somehow I can you see totally on board with sending a rocket back in time.

Second up is A Rocketeer Extraordinaire.

But hey, no hockey-themed logo? I'm crushed.

Posted by: Debbye at May 08, 2005 05:32 AM (ckJ/X)

26 It is a real toss up for me. My natural inclination is to vote for the Bayeux Tapestry one. It is really inspired.

But the Tom Lerher fan in me screams out to vote for Werner Von Braun.

I am torn. We can't split our vote can we?

Posted by: The Maximum Leader at May 09, 2005 11:23 AM (jiSuM)

27 I vote for the most excellent 50's retro banner!

Posted by: michele at May 10, 2005 10:04 PM (ht2RK)

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Gettin' My Groove On

One of the best things about my iPaq PDA is that I can use it as an MP3 player, and storage cards are coming down in price all the time, which means I can carry more music with me.

The frustrating part is that since it's not a dedicated music player, it only accepts the MP3 format. Now that wouldn't be a problem except that Windows Media Player - and most other equivalent apps - don't save CD's in MP3 format. So even though I've got hundreds of legally purchased CD's full of music, I couldn't download them to take with me.

Enter Quintessential Player. This is a completely free music player that does so much more, including ripping my music collection into the MP3 format that I must use. Lots of add-ons and extensions over and above the already impressive list of standard features. If you're tired of dealing with Windows Media Player (eh) or Real Player (barf), give this one a try. So far I'm loving it!

Now I need more (and bigger) storage cards.

Posted by: Ted at 11:34 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Scale (updated)

Here's a group of illustrations that show the myriad types of Star Trek spacecraft together, showing relative size.

Update: I missed this before, but if you scroll down, there are 3-view silhouette recognition charts and more.

Posted by: Ted at 11:25 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Vroooom

Vespa returns! Tres cool!

Posted by: Ted at 05:57 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Rainmakers

I've mentioned before how much I like the Rainmakers, especially their lyrics. Here's a great example of packing a lot of story and meaning into a few words. From their album The Good News and the Bad News.

We Walk The Levee

In the '51 flood the river got mean
The levee broke at a town downstream
Up on our levee where the county lines meet
Caught a couple of their boys with some TNT

Something had to give and it gave down there
My thoughts are with you but my family's here
It was you this time it was us before
Nothing's fair in flood and war

(chorus)
And blood's thicker than water
But thin and cold in the flood
The mud and the guilt and the gun get heavy
We do what we gotta
We walk the levee

My sisters married brothers from the neighboring town
My cousin and his boy farm his father's ground
I'm a Christian man with a bible and a gun
Just praying to God ain't gotta shoot no one

And blood's thicker than water
But thin and cold in the flood
The mud and the guilt and the gun get heavy
We do what we gotta
We walk the levee

Now I'm just a man protecting his home
Why do I feel like a dog out killin' his own
Itchy on the trigger, quick on the draw
Shined the flashlight in the face of a twelve year old kid
Who started cryin' for his ma

(spoken) I told him to get on home

I saw him in church on Sunday, heard the minister speak
About Noah and the ark and the other cheek
And Jesus' love and Judas' kiss
I'll think of that tonight on the graveyard shift

And blood's thicker than water
But thin and cold in the flood
The mud and the guilt and the gun get heavy
We do what we gotta
We walk the levee

And blood's thicker than water
But thin and cold in the flood
The mud and the guilt and the gun get heavy
We do what we gotta
We walk the levee

Yes we do what we gotta
We walk the levee

Damn good albums if you can find 'em.

Posted by: Ted at 05:54 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 11, 2005

How to recognize me at Saturday Night's ballgame

I'll be wearing a cap and holding a pennant.

Posted by: Ted at 08:56 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 "Yes. This is John Malkovich and I've got an idea for a film about zombies trying to understand a baseball game..."

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 11, 2005 09:26 PM (lEB6y)

2 P.S. That photo is golden. And your photoshop skills are improving!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 11, 2005 09:31 PM (lEB6y)

3 Strange Strange Strange Dad!

Posted by: The other daughter at May 11, 2005 09:54 PM (+OVgL)

4 Just how *are* we going to work that out?

Posted by: Victor at May 11, 2005 10:05 PM (Sx8zO)

5

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 11, 2005 11:46 PM (lEB6y)

6 For some reason, a quote from "Steel Magnolias" popped into my head: "I'd recognize that penmanship anywhere. You've got the handwritin' of a serial killer." I laughed my ass off at this entry -- thanks for that!

Posted by: dawn at May 12, 2005 07:32 AM (Dh1V0)

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Alien Worlds through Artists' Eyes

A wickedcool look at other planets, courtesy of Space.com.

Posted by: Ted at 11:51 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Sears Resolution

Sears is dead to me. After being bumped up the chain of command at least three times, the latest drone dealt with the pissed-off customer by sending a check. It wasn't for the full amount from our list of damages, but it was close.

It was a shut-them-the-hell-up check, because there was no phone call and no apology. I meant an apology for having to go through this mess in the first place. For all the people I wound up talking to about this situation, only two even bothered to say "I'm sorry", from the rest it was "prove that it's our fault". When I wasn't being patronized I was being treated like a liar and a thief.

Sears will be gone soon. Their corporate attitude has gone to hell and their customer service is a joke. You cannot stay in business with that mindset. I was a longtime customer, my workshop is full of Craftsman tools, my appliances were almost all purchased through Sears. If I needed paint, I'd wait for a sale at Sears.

Never again. Ever.

Posted by: Ted at 05:51 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 10, 2005

There's a fine line between screwed and staying screwed

Derby bettor loses, finds ticket worth $864,253.50

Spokane, Oregon Mayor Taking Leave Amid Allegations

Posted by: Ted at 11:26 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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