February 10, 2004

If I do this early enough then I'm not a follower, I'm a leader

Over at Who Tends the Fires, Denita asks the embarrassing question: what's on your desk?

I cleaned straightened my desk last weekend, so it's not nearly as bad as it was. All the boring details are in the extended entry.

And now it's your turn.

Posted by: Ted at 08:30 PM | Comments (36) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Anyone but...

A lot of people talk about voting for "anyone but President Bush."

These are the same people who raise hell about America supporting despots around the world. In some of those cases, it was "anyone but [insert bad choice]."

Sauce for the goose folks.

Posted by: Ted at 05:29 PM | Comments (35) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Google Bait

Grand Forks AFB, North Dakota.
321 SPS
D Flight
321 SPG
321 Bomb Wing
Ramstein AB, Germany
Flugtag Airshow Disaster
EISD

... I'll explain later (probably tomorrow)

Posted by: Ted at 03:57 PM | Comments (36) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Movie Review - Destination Moon (1950)

First words spoken from the surface of the moon:

"By the grace of God, and in the name of the United States of America, I take possesion of this planet on behalf of and for the benefit of all mankind."

Impressive movie, and prescient in a lot of ways considering it was made years before space travel was even seriously considered possible. The special effects are surprisingly good for the day, and the Bonestell lunar dioramas are spectacular. Minor nitpick: keep the remote handy, because the DVD soundtrack changes from barely audible dialog to blaring music repeatedly. A little more balance would've been nice.

This would make a great rainy-day double feature with When Worlds Collide. Heck, throw in The Day the Earth Stood Still and The Angry Red Planet and make it a marathon.

Two enthusiastic spacesuited thumbs up.

Posted by: Ted at 06:06 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Be unpredictable

For Valentine's Day, don't give your loved one just any old plushy, give a Santa Cthulhu, because nothing says eternal love like a fictional ancient god. Cupid? What a wuss.

Now maybe you want to keep the kids busy while you get 'thanked' for your thoughtfulness. What better way than to stick with the theme? Your little shoggoths can entertain themselves with a Cthulhu hand puppet. They'll have hours of fun reenacting The Doom That Came To Sarnath and The Dunwhich Horror. For extra fun, check eBay for out-of-print copies of Lovecraft audiobooks that they can listen to. And if they hear strange noises coming from your bedroom, it just adds to the atmosphere, eh?

"It's ok honey, mommy's fine. She's just being eaten by an Old One."

Posted by: Ted at 05:03 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 09, 2004

These ain't Elvis plates

Sideshow Collectibles, because everyone should have Leatherface in their living room.

Posted by: Ted at 09:41 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Like I threatened promised

Oooo goody, a movie review! Well, it's a DVD review, because besides the two movies here, there are some extraordinary extras included on the disk. Besides lots of gratuitous boobage. And by boobage, I'm talking gratuitous! This go-round, I'm talking about a double-feature from the shlock 'nudist camp' genre of the mid-60's.

In The Beast that Killed Women, the setting is a nudist camp for no discernable reason other than it gives the opportunity to show lots and lots of topless women. The concept here is to keep trotting out the boobs, in hopes that you'll never notice weaknesses in the movie, like plot, acting, dialog, acting, directing, continuity, believability... you get the idea.

How bad is it? Solidly in the "so bad it's good" category, long stretches focus on a tree or steps in the background while naked women repeatedly walk by, "enjoying nature" as nudists do. Mostly, people stand around until joined by someone else, at which point they improvise a conversation that tries to advance the story. But hey, as long as they're naked, eh? Actually, it's fun picking the movie apart, because silliness abounds.

The beast is a guy in a really tacky gorilla suit, and the total body count by the end of the movie is one. Yep, one lousy dead girl, and she was dressed. But most every other girl is naked. Did I mention the gratuitous boobs?

The second movie on the DVD is The Monster of Camp Sunshine. Rats play an important role in this movie, since one of the characters works in the lab at the hospital and is very sympathetic towards her little friends. This flick uses the pretext of warning about the dangers of runaway science to quickly move the story from the hospital lab to - you guessed it - a nudist colony. But first, the nurse accidentally drips an unknown chemical on a cage full of rats, and "their killer instinct is unleashed!" The rats jump at the nurse, causing her to fall out of the window, where she manages to hang on long enough for a doctor to come to her rescue. She's so upset that her roomate decides that they should visit the camp to cheer her up. Oh yeah, her roomie is a nude model. Big surprise, that.

Back to the plot, and from here on out just assume that any actual story is sporadically interjected between lengthy stretches of naked women and men (sorry ladies, it's butts-only on the guys). The doctor in charge of the lab figures out what happened and in a stroke of genius decides that the best way to dispose of the killer chemicals is to put them into a jar and throw them into the bay! But fate has different plans, and the jar is found the next day, upstream at the camp (we know it's upstream because they helpfully tell us so).

The stream running through the nudist camp becomes contaminated with the contents of the jar (in the most hilariously contrived and convoluted set of circumstances possible), and the simpleton camp gardener takes a drink from the stream, which "unleashes his killer instinct!" This time, they just say the hell with all restraint and go for it. The army is called in, and we're treated to stock war footage from the Civil War to World War II. I laughed out loud as a troop of US Cavalry from the old west rode by, followed by clips of troops coming ashore on D-Day. While the doctor buries the softball-sized remains of the gardener (all that was left, and he was actually kicking dirt over it with his shoe), the rest of the characters decided that it was too nice a day to be sad. So they get naked. Once again it's so bad it's fun (zero body count this time, though one girl did get her arm cut by an axe).

One of the funniest lines in the movie is where the nurse explains her love for the nudist movement. She says "I spend all day at the hospital around sick bodies. The nudist camp is my chance to be surrounded by healthy bodies." Of course, as she says this she's puffing on a cigarette, as does most everyone throughout the movie.

Like with the first movie, great fun can be had watching for the assorted silliness, especially the contortions the actors go through so as not to show anything frontal below the waist. Warning: Zither alert!

Now on to the DVD itself, which is a gem. It's put out by Something Weird Video, and besides the two (crappy but nudity filled) movies, you get all kinds of extra goodies, and this is where it shines. Three different sets of drive-in intermission features chock full of those snack bar teasers, local business commercials, and more. Notable is Ed McMahon in a Budweiser commercial, and a reminder to sign the petition in the lobby against "pay TV" and that evil "cable TV".

That's not all. There's also a gallery of trash movie posters accompanied by remastered original radio spots. These are cool as hell.

But there's more! The original theatrical trailer for The Beast that Killed Women is included, as are the trailers for the nudie flicks Eves on Skis, Goldilocks and the Three Bares, Nudes on Tiger Reef, Nudist Life, and Pussycats Paradise. Be still my heart.

And there are 'short subject' features dating as far back as the 1920's about nudists, done up in semi-documentary style. It's interesting to see what each era considered racy for the day, although each contains nudity. I especially enjoyed the variety of music used.

Finally, there's "Let's Go to the Drive-In!" - an interactive selection on the DVD that allows the uninterrupted playback of hours of content, just like being at the movies. Nifty neat-o keen.

Boobs and drive-in atmosphere. It doesn't get much better than that. Pass the popcorn, because this one was a pleasant surprise.

Posted by: Ted at 06:18 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 08, 2004

Squirrels and the bird feeder

I'm seriously tempted to buy one of these.

We keep a stocked bird feeder in our back yard, and there's nothing more relaxing than sitting quietly on the swing and watching the birds come and go. We bought a book on birds of the mid-Atlantic states so we could identify our little friends, and we now recognize almost two dozen regular visitors.

Of course, the squirrels and I match wits constantly, and I often win. They destroyed one feeder by gnawing through the line holding it up in the tree, so I replaced it with another hung with plastic-coated braided wire. That was fun to watch, because they chewed through the plastic, then figured out it hurt to bite the wire.

When I moved the feeder to a pole away from the tree, they learned to make dive-bomber leaps from overhanging branches, grabbing at the feeder as they hurtled by. With practice, they've improved their accuracy and success rate, but it has to hurt when they miss.

Up to now, common practice has been to hang on to the feeder and rake the seed to the ground below, searching for the occasional sunflower seed like a kid going for the peanuts in a box of cracker-jacks.

But now, one of them has accidentally stumbled upon the secret of the new feeder, and they've learned how to hit the jackpot at will.

Posted by: Ted at 07:36 AM | Comments (46) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 Damn clever, those rodents. Betcha they figure out how to beat the 'squirrel-proof' feeders sooner or later.

Posted by: Victor at February 08, 2004 10:06 AM (16A49)

2 After years of losing the squirrel battle - including several "squirrel proof feeders, my neighbor acheived success. He hung an ordinary feeder on a wire from a tree. About 10 inches above the feeder he suspended a used blade from a curcurlar saw! The squirrels would make it down the wire to the blade but quickly learned that there wa no way past that point.

The squirrels were left withnothing but to hunt for what the birds might have dropped below.

He later replaced the blade with a smooth sheet of metal without a shrp edge. The suirrels could get to that, but if they trid to get to the edge their weight would cause it ti tip and would nothing to hold onto they would fall to the ground.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at February 08, 2004 11:36 AM (CSxVi)

3 I've heard of similar tactics using a castaway vinyl record, but in this day and age of CD's I don't know how successful you'd be at finding the materials. But the circular saw blade sounds like an even MORE effective idea!

Another friend of mine did something similar with a large downward-pointing cone of sheet-metal that hung over the feeder. The squirrels would try to stand on it but would slide right off the cone, well beyond any reach of the feeder, and onto the distant ground below. It not only kept the fuzzy-tailed tree rats away, it also kept the rain off the feeder--and off of any birds who stopped by to eat.

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at February 08, 2004 02:07 PM (GFPIS)

4 I just bought a bird feeder, but I haven't hung it up yet because I am to lazy to trek through the snow to my tree. When the snow melts I will hang it up, but I hope I don't have as many problems as you od Ted.

Posted by: Rocket Man Blog at February 08, 2004 06:29 PM (/X52Z)

5 Rocket Man, make sure you make it easy to refill. Our very first feeder needed me to climb a small ladder to do that. What a pain.

So far I've seen two types of 'automatic' squirrel-proof feeders. Both types use the weight of the squirrel, one closes a contact which electrifies the tray (uses batteries), the other closes the access to the seed.

I don't mind the squirrels too much. They only eat the sunflower seeds, and the birds have learned to look around at the base of the feeder for seeds. Plus, they live in my neighbor's attic, and he's a jerk.

Posted by: Ted at February 08, 2004 08:43 PM (2sKfR)

6 Thanks for the tips Ted. I had planned on hanging it about head level so I could reach it. I guess I will have to play around with it over time to see how it works out.

Posted by: Rocket Man Blog at February 09, 2004 02:07 AM (/X52Z)

7 The other consolation to keep in mind as the damn squirrels hoover out your feeder is that they don't eat what they harvest - at least not right away. Most of it goes into the cheek pouches to be stashed away in some hiding place for later. Fortunatley the poor buggers have really lousy memories, so the birds usually get to the stash first anyway. A more roundabout route, but the birds do benefit in the end.

Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark at February 09, 2004 08:27 PM (Hrm9v)

8 I was going to do an entry on this subject! Now you have beaten me to it.

1. Don't get a wooden feeder - they are useless and squirrels will chew them. Also they are harder to clean.

2. Don't hang your feeder from a tree. Get a pole from Wild birds unlimited with a baffle to prevent squirrels and racoons from climbing up. Place the pole far away enough from a tree so that squirrels can't jump to it. Birds will like it because they don't like the feeders to be so close to a tree that they can't see cats or hawks hiding there.

3 buy a squirrel proof (weight activated) feeder. This can also be used to control larger birds if you have a lot of starlings.

4 Get a dog. My dog has huge prey drive and is more than happy to chase squirrels away.

5 Set up a diversion feeder. One far away from your main feeder and fill it with corn (squirrels love corn). The squirrels will congregate there.


BTW:Ted my yard species count since October 15th when I moved here is 27 species.

Can ya beat it?

Posted by: The Meatriarchy at February 10, 2004 02:53 PM (x3H0D)

9 Our wooden bird feeder has lasted longer than any other before. The squirrels do chew on it some, but not too bad. Also, I don't clean them very often. Once in a while if we've had a long rain we'll get some seeds sprouting at the bottom of the tray, that I'll scrape out and take a quick brush to to prevent mold.

I like the idea of diversion feeders. Unfortunately, my yard is small and completely overhung with a giant maple, so the dive bombing continues no matter where I hang the feeder.

We don't have a problem with Starlings, but we get lots of doves and pigeons at times. They're not agressive, but tend to chase the other birds away because they're so much bigger and come in flocks.

The dogs love chasing the squirrels.

I'll start a list of what we've seen and post it soon, hopefully I get find some links to pictures. I don't know if we seen quite that much variety, but it has been wonderful.

Posted by: Ted at February 11, 2004 10:54 AM (blNMI)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

So I walked into Suncoast Video yesterday...

... serious mistake.

I'm now the proud owner of the science fiction classic Destination Moon, directed by George Pal, based on a story by Robert Heinlein, with moon sets and backgrounds designed by Chesley Bonestell.

In the cult classic category, I got Cannibal Women in the Avacado Jungle of Death, starring Bill Maher (yep, that Bill Maher), Adrienne Barbeau and Shannon Tweed.

Next up is a straight horror double feature of Fade to Black and Hell Night.

Finally, a 'drive-in' double feature from the rare nudist camp horror genre, The Beast that Killed Women and The Monster of Camp Sunshine. I'd never seen those last two available outside of specialty catalogs, so I just had to pick them up.

Reviews coming. I know you can't wait.

Posted by: Ted at 06:24 AM | Comments (40) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 07, 2004

Anti-Valentine's Day

Ever notice that the cost of roses goes up in the week before Valentine's Day? In our years of wedded bliss, I've mostly ignored Valentine's Day (beyond a simple card), although every few years I'll get Liz candy or flowers, and a couple of times I got her a gift every day for the week leading up to it (balloons, stuffed animal, jewelry, etc). I don't want to become predictable and have her get bored with me, at least that's what I tell her. Truth is, I can't be bothered to care about a lame made-up holiday.*

Now this site nails it: Be My Anti-Valentine. Send one of their cards any ol' time, just because.

Thanks to Squipper for that link! Also, for those less romantically-challenged than I (or if you're in the doghouse, you unfeeling bastard), and you're looking for unique jewelry ideas, try here.

*For those who think that statement might be useful as blackmail fodder, think again. Liz knows my feelings about it, and it frustrates the bejeebers outta her.

Posted by: Ted at 11:33 AM | Comments (41) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

If this were Ted's Universe

Traffic lights would look like this.

Posted by: Ted at 10:54 AM | Comments (38) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Amphibious Cars

At work my friend Kyle and I were in one of those wonderful conversations that hop from subject to subject, and eventually we got to talking about amphibious cars. Kudos to Kyle for finding that link.

Apparently, the idea is making a comeback. British company Gibbs is now offering the Aquada, which will do an impressive 100mph on land and 30mph in the water.

Or you can just go the do-it-yourselfer route.

Posted by: Ted at 10:25 AM | Comments (39) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 06, 2004

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinaahhhh!!! - Guest/Celebrity edition

Mix a pinch of genius with a dash of twisted, and you get The Amateur Gourmet's recipe for Janet Jackson's Breast Cupcakes.

Inspired.

Posted by: Ted at 10:40 PM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Taking airline security to new heights

Woman's chastity belt set off airport security alarm.

Posted by: Ted at 06:20 PM | Comments (40) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Credit where credit is due

Yesterday when I got home from work, there was one of those dreaded brown-and-yellow tags on the front door informing me that UPS had been there but no one was home to sign for the package. The form said they'd be back again and when, of course nobody would be home for that scheduled time either.

About an hour later, the doorbell rang. It was the UPS guy. He said he'd been making a pickup nearby, so he thought he'd try to deliver to our house again since he was in the neighborhood. That was a nice piece of customer service!

Posted by: Ted at 10:34 AM | Comments (38) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Spending less on getting to space doesn't have to be a newfangled idea

Check out this article over at Rocket Man's blog. The guest poster, Kelly Starks, worked on several NASA projects and puts together a virtual orbital system that's inexpensive and uses off-the-shelf parts.

Posted by: Ted at 09:48 AM | Comments (42) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Thank you, thank you very much

To be a Phipps is to love cheese, it's just something that runs in the family. So this was no surprise.

Thanks to LeeAnn (who else?) for pointing this one out.

Posted by: Ted at 07:40 AM | Comments (39) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 mmm, blue cheese.... the best.
Tangy, rich, delicious, and an acquired taste... rather like you, Ted.

Posted by: LeeAnn at February 06, 2004 02:56 PM (HxCeX)

2 Why thank you, I'm all blue-veined now.

Posted by: Ted at February 06, 2004 06:23 PM (2sKfR)

3 Cheese makes the Phipps phamily run? Or did I misread something?

Posted by: Victor at February 07, 2004 06:30 AM (16A49)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Feel free to steal this idea

I was wondering what it would be like to have a theme party where everyone had to dress up like one of the "Real Men of Genius" in those Bud beer commercials. Imagine a room full of "Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer" and "Mr. Really Bad Toupee Wearer" guys.

If you do this, please take plenty of pictures let me know how it turns out.

Thanks to Victor for the inspiration (translation: blame him). Also, fellow Munuvian Tuning Spork has posted a wonderful parody here (can you parody a parody? why does the word 'parody' look funny?). Oh well, back to the Sporkster, the man is a genius, a real man of genius.

Posted by: Ted at 06:32 AM | Comments (41) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 I don't know if I'd call it parody, it's really more of a rip-off. mheh. It seemed like it'd be more fun than just doing a straight rant about them $&#%@ pop-up ads. Ooo! I just came up with another idea! but it's a secret for now....

Posted by: Tuning Spork at February 06, 2004 02:34 PM (cvCom)

2 Whatever, Spork, it was funnier than cat piss.

Hey, for that party, I got dibs on Mr. Company Computer Guy, since that's what I am in real life. Heh.

Posted by: Victor at February 06, 2004 05:05 PM (16A49)

3 cartier tankissime watches watches replica mm in diameter case the design of the new RSW replica watch thousands of dollars for a replica A trained eye fake watches you will have to spend more money.

Posted by: breitling at February 18, 2011 02:00 AM (qJ7nS)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Mama said motorcycles are dangerous!

This funny story was posted to the Rec.Models.Rockets newsgroup. There was no attribution. Enjoy.

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "Banzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in, well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle, my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

Posted by: Ted at 05:47 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 05, 2004

Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinaahhhhh!!!

I love pork, but when it's plain it's a little bland. I experimented with some ingredients we had in the fridge and came up with this one.

Pork Chops with Creamy Horseradish Sauce

4 chops, whatever thickness you like
salt and pepper to taste
1-2 Tbsp olive oil

1/2 cup half & half
1 stalk celery, sliced into thin crescents
1/4 cup mayonaise
1/8 cup minced horseradish*
1/8 tsp ground black pepper

*instead of mayonaise and horseradish, you can substitute prepared horseradish spread for sandwiches. Adjust the amount of horseradish to your taste.

Preparation:
Preheat (medium) frying pan with oil
Salt and pepper the chops, put into pan and cook until done, turning once halfway through
Remove chops to serving plate

Turn heat to medium low and add half & half
Deglace the pan (scrape up all the tasty oinky bits stuck to the bottom) with a spatula
Add the celery and pepper, mix well and cook for a minute
Add the mayonaise and horseradish, mix well and cook for a minute
Spoon sauce over chops

Maybe not to everyone's taste, but for me (horseradish lover), Yum!

Posted by: Ted at 05:05 PM | Comments (35) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Processing 0.01, elapsed 0.0622 seconds.
37 queries taking 0.0499 seconds, 81 records returned.
Page size 66 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.8 beta.