June 02, 2004

Air Force Blue (part 14)

I once worked in an office with an evil copier machine. I’m not saying that it was cantankerous and seldom worked right, like jamming beyond hope when you most needed it or randomly crumpling and shredding your only original. I mean this thing exerted an evil influence on people who used it. We’re talking Stephen King storytime stuff. I’ve thought about this over the years, and it’s the only explanation that makes sense, because I’ve known other copiers and never… well, read on.

Ramstein, Germany. I’d been assigned there for a year or so, and without changing desks I’d worked for the Electronic Information Systems Division (EISD), then the Computer Systems Organization (CSO), then the Information Systems Services Office (ISSO), and rumors were flying that yet another name change was in the works.* Our mission hadn’t changed one bit, just the hats we wore and how we answered the phones. It got so silly that I came up with a new name for us: the European Integrated Electronic Information Organization. Yepper, E-I-E-I-O.

My first memorable encounter with the copier was when I was standing around it with another NCO and our section leader. Our section leader was a newly promoted Captain, and (rightfully) proud as a peacock about his new rank. As we were talking, I said something about the “Lieutenant” out of habit. He immediately interrupted me and, pointing to the bars on his shoulder, reminded me of his new status. Instead of apologizing or just acknowledging him and getting on with it, the evil influence of the copier took hold of me and I heard myself say:

“Well Sir, you’ll always be a Lieutenant in my heart.”

You can imagine how well that went over. But you can see what I mean about the evil copier, right?

Our organization was a tiny part of the Communications Squadron, and we were attached to the comm guys not because we fit in there, but because we fit in even less anywhere else. The comm folks hated us because we were computer pukes, not communications, and both sides were quick to make the distinction. Mostly, we went our way and did our thing and the less we had to deal with the rest of the squadron the better we liked it.

Which worked great until we got the idea to form an office softball team for the base league. We talked about it and decided to do it for fun – no serious win-at-all-cost attitudes for us. And then word came down from on high that the squadron already had a team, and that we were invited to try out for it, and they might send their ‘leftover’ players to our team, but we could not be in the league independently. Screw that, we entered anyways, under an assumed (organizational) name: E-I-E-I-O. Had shirts and hats made and everything, and caught major hell halfway through the season when we showed up to play our parent squadron in a scheduled game.

Back to the copier. Like most small office photocopiers, probably more unofficial stuff was copied than real work-related documents. The Air Force decided to combat the waste by placing a tiny transparent sticker to the underside of the glass, so that every Xeroxed page was marked in the upper corner with a letter and number code showing what copier reproduced it. Every copier on Ramstein had it’s own tiny little ID code.

Most of us ignored it and went on using it anyways. One weekend I went into the office for something and found the NCOIC (my boss) at the copier, making stacks of personal copies. Yet another clue about the evil influence of the machine. Well, maybe not, because the NCOIC then showed me that by unscrewing this and this and this you could lift the glass out, rotate it 180 degrees and the sticker wouldn’t show up anymore! Wow, my boss showing me how to circumvent the system for personal reasons. Evil copier.

About the time we were getting our stern talking-to about our unauthorized softball team, a group of us were sitting around drinking and bullshitting, when inspiration struck. I can’t claim credit for the idea, because I honestly don’t remember who thought of it. Like I said, we were drinking.

But I absolutely am responsible for the implementation, because when it comes right down to it, what good is a stupid idea if you don’t have the balls to make it happen, eh? So early Monday morning, my partner in white-collar crime and I lifted the glass on the Xerox machine, turned it over, and by carefully scraping with a knife blade, we removed the letter/number code and replaced it with rub-on letters that spelled out EIEIO. It was a near perfect match, and because the mark showed up on every copy (and had for months), nobody even paid attention to them any more.

A couple of weeks later, we realized that it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out who was responsible for the symbolic ‘bird’ we were sending out with every copy, so we changed the decal again. Who knows what possessed us to do this? Wait, it was the copier!!! I tell you, that thing was evil.

This time we changed the copier code to read “FOAD”.

For the innocent, that stands for “F__k Off And Die”. It’s also a valid hexadecimal number (make the ‘oh’ a zero) if you’re a real computer nerd, which is interesting but hardly relevant.

We held our breath, and waited for the shit to hit the fan. And waited. And waited. And it didn’t, because nobody noticed.

Several months later, my compadre and I were called into the Captain’s office. He “knew” we had changed the sticker, but he couldn’t prove it. He was throwing a fit because copies from our machine were headed out all over Europe, and each and every one had a cheerful little “FOAD” in the corner. We played appropriately dumb, but I did admit that I’d noticed the sticker before. He almost stroked out when I told him I assumed it meant “For Official Authorized Duplication”. I was full of shit, and he knew it, and he knew I knew he knew it (and so on), but there wasn’t much he could do about it other than to suggest that the problem better be taken care of. Sometime in the next few days, someone mysteriously changed the label again by scraping it clean and from then on our photocopier was the only Air Force copier in Europe without it’s own little number of the beast.

* I know for a fact that ‘EISD’ is correct, but the others might not be spot-on. If nothing else, they give you an idea of the acronym-hell that the Air Force can be.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 cool story.

Posted by: SpaceMonkey at June 02, 2004 10:53 AM (DN55C)

2 I have no doubt that you deserve full credit for the idea just as much as the implementation.

Posted by: Dawn at June 02, 2004 07:32 PM (Ev/7m)

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Late, but it's not like anyone cares

Favorite bands, alphabetically. First seen at Blather Review.

A - Joan Armitrading, Atlanta Rhythm Section
B - Beach Boys, Bachmann-Turner Overdrive
C - Chicago, Alice Cooper
D - Doobie Brothers, Diamond Rio
E - Earth, Wind & Fire, Electric Light Orchestra
F - Foghat, Myron Floren
G - Grateful Dead, Guess Who
H - Heart, Head East
I - Incubus
J - Jethro Tull
K - Kansas
L - Little Feat, Lovin' Spoonful
M - Glenn Miller, Michael Stanley Band, Molly Hatchet
N - Night Ranger
O - Orleans (yeah, I like 'em. deal with it)
P - Pablo Cruise, Pink Floyd
Q - Queen
R - Rainmakers, Lou Rawls
S - Styx, Sly & the Family Stone, Spinners
T - Temptations, Third Eye Blind, Tubes
U - Black Uhuru
V - Van Halen
W - War, Bob Marley & the Wailers
X - Xavier Cugat
Y - Weird Al Yankovich
Z - Frank Zappa, ZZ Top

Posted by: Ted at 05:14 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 01, 2004

Mad Scientists To-Do List

1. Build neat and mysterious laboratory equipment.
2. Interview assistants.
3. Practice maniacal laugh.
4. Find body.

Now for step 1, you could do worse than looking here.

And no self-respecting Doktor would be without one of these, although you could get by with one of these until you inherit the fortune from your sinister uncle who lives in the castle.

Follow the links, have fun, and imagine the delight a youngster would have by building something like this for the science fair. Make the other kids look like Abbey something-or-other.

Can I call you "Igor"?

Posted by: Ted at 07:24 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 Kids nothing. I know plenty of adults who would love to play with this stuff.

Posted by: GEBIV at June 01, 2004 08:53 PM (qlrbK)

2 Ooh, ooh...I'll be Inga.

Posted by: Linda at June 03, 2004 08:51 AM (AWAw8)

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Pointless details

I had one of those oddly productive weekends where you look back and say "wow, I got a lot done!" Yardwork, trees pruned, gutters cleaned, errands run, wallpaper scraped, naps taken, meat grilled, house cleaned, laundry done, etc., etc. I stayed mostly busy, but still I'm nicely recharged for the week.

I could use some sleep though. I stayed up into the wee hours each night, watching my crap movies. Now our young dog is sick. He's acting like a typical male cat, winding around your feet constantly and demanding attention. Not sure what's wrong, but he's still eating and playful. He's just acting 'off'. Of course, being sick he's restless and was constantly walking around on the bed all night. He's little too, so my sleeping body is nothing more than an obsticle to be navigated over in the dark. He woke me up more than once doing the little doggy circle-dance on my back as he tried to get comfortable.

I was also a major oinker all weekend about eating. Constantly hungry for some reason. To make up for it and get my slacker butt back into healthy food mode, today I brought a low-fat yogurt for breakfast and fruit for lunch. If anyone is interested, I've lost about 30 pounds since the beginning of the year.

Yesterday, the Action Channel showed a Combat! marathon. Starring Vic Morrow, the series ran in the early 60's and was about a platoon during WWII. I had it on for most of the day, which really brought back some memories. Combat! and Bonanza are the first two shows I can remember watching with my dad.

A friend sent me this:

If you can read this, thank a teacher.

If you can read this in English, thank the US Military.

Posted by: Ted at 05:41 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 31, 2004

Quantico National Cemetery

About 35 miles south of Arlington National Cemetery is another National Cemetery, at Quantico, Virginia. Quantico is the headquarters of the US Marine Corps, and is located on the other side of the interstate from the cemetery itself. There actually is a town called Quantico that is completely within the base perimeter, you have to go through the front gate of the base in order to get there. It's a nice enough little town, mostly small apartment buildings and businesses like laundromats for military personnel and featuring an honest-to-Landry Dallas Cowboys bar, smack dab in the middle of Redskins country.

At the main gate of Quantico base is a slightly smaller replica of the monument depicting the second raising of the US flag at Iwo Jima, just like the one in Washington, DC.

But if you go west on the interstate exit, heading away from the base, you'll come to a turnoff for the National Cemetery. Neither as celebrated nor as large as Arlington, Quantico is nevertheless a beautiful and peaceful place. Naturally, being in the heart of Marine country, many of the monuments and markers are dedicated to the Corps. Unlike Arlington, most of the grave markers are horizontal, facing up to the sky, leaving long stretches of perfectly-maintained grass divided by gently curving roads. There are also many wooded areas, and some decent walking trails through the woods, complete with benches and 'reflection stops' that have been built and maintained by Eagle Scout candidates over the years.

It's far from a sterile place because that area of Virginia still maintains huge tracts of undeveloped land. Sit quietly for a while and you'll see multitudes of birds and squirrels, rabbits, deer and the occasional red fox. In fact, one of the problems the staff has is hunters coming onto the grounds at night and poaching deer.

Four times a year, Quantico National Cemetery dresses up. The Avenue of Flags is an impressive thing to see. Hundreds of donated veteran's flags are raised along the roads on Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day and Flag Day.

I went to Quantico National Cemetary early yesterday morning and spent a quiet hour walking around, taking pictures and talking to a few other folks who were there. I added my own silent thanks to those who've served this country that I love.

(pictures are in the extended entry, click the links to open in their own window for the bandwidth-impaired)

Posted by: Ted at 11:29 PM | Comments (43) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 30, 2004

Box Hockey - 3

The previous post about our project to build an old fashioned box hockey table can be found here.

As usual, the main part is in the extended entry, and y'all are invited to ask questions and leave comments.

Posted by: Ted at 07:36 PM | Comments (22) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Common Sense is winning

More and more, we're seeing articles like this one from the Oregonian magazine. Quick summary: launching hobby rockets doesn't make me a terrorist!

Posted by: Ted at 07:56 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 29, 2004

Launching with the big boys

The gang over at the Maryland & Delaware Rocketry Association (MDRA) like to fly big projects, and their latest is a doozy!

Check out the pictures and video of the Liberty Project.

And just how big is that rocket? Well, according to John Hamill, who supplied the chutes, the O.D. green drogues you see in the recovery photos are 32' in diameter, which is what Army paratroopers use. The main orange and white chute is 100' in diameter, and weighs over 100lbs itself! It's used by the military to recover target drones.

The actual airframe is around 600lbs and stands about 25' tall. It was the largest hobby rocket ever flown east of the Mississippi. Way to go guys!!!

Posted by: Ted at 09:46 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 28, 2004

A geek's dream come true

The cicada event is beginning to wind down, and the ground at work is littered with their little dead carcasses. As I was crunching my way towards my truck this afternoon, it occurred to me that since cicada life is geared entirely towards sex, then it follows that the ones who die first were probably the most successful in getting laid early in the cycle. So I was stomping on little cicada versions of those jerks in high school who never had a problem scoring with the ladies.

I hated those guys, and I really, really enjoyed that walk.

Posted by: Ted at 12:41 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Appreciating the little things

I just finished two apricots, the first of the season. My favorite.

I have a bowl full of pears ripening at home too. My second favorite.

I'll be leaving work at lunchtime today, because I've taken a half day off before every 3-day weekend for the last 15 years.

It's a 3-day weekend.

Wife and Mookie have to work tomorrow, so I'll get the whole day to myself.

Life is good.

Posted by: Ted at 07:33 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Hey "Sweet Pete"

I assume that's your nickname. See, your personalized license plate was a little hard to decipher. I bet a lot of "sweet pea's" want those words on the plates, so you wind up going through all kinds of gyrations to spell your name.

Here's a tip: SWET PT will be translated as "sweat pit" by others. You couldn't have meant that, could you?

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 27, 2004

Box Hockey - 2

I talked about Box Hockey back in March, but things got hectic and that became low priority. Now is a good time, so let's get started.

If you've never followed the Rocket Jones Build It series, I do some project online over a series of posts and hopefully by following my directions you can complete the same project. Our first project was a model rocket.

As usual, the meat of the post is in the extended entry, and y'all are invited to ask questions and leave comments.

Posted by: Ted at 12:01 PM | Comments (30) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Just to annoy Robyn

I'll be having lunch today at a local Mexican eatery, and it ain't Taco Bell. MmmmMmmm Yum!

Update: Sweetie, it's just as good, if not better, than El Charro!

Posted by: Ted at 09:26 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Fashion Lizard

Posted by: Ted at 08:48 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Wanna see my Pump Rocket?

It's bigger than it looks. In fact, I actually had it in my hand, all ready to give to the checkout lady, but my conscience kicked in and I put it away. Even so, it's very impressive and lots of fun to play with.

What?

Posted by: Ted at 06:46 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

No surprise there

Driving home from work yesterday, I merged onto the interstate behind a station wagon with out-of-state plates. Inside were two adults and at least seven or eight kids.

On the back was a bumper sticker: "I [heart] the Old Latin Mass".

Posted by: Ted at 05:11 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 26, 2004

The slogan kinda bothers me though

On the way home from Michigan, we passed a billboard with this website, which made me think of The Llama Butchers.

Great URL - "Lamalot" - which makes me think of Richard Burton as king, with singing and dancing Llamas all over the place. Very memorable image, which is what you want.

But, "Try Llamas - For Pleasure or Profit"?!?!? Ewwwwww.

Posted by: Ted at 02:49 PM | Comments (20) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Pink bondage pants

That's what Mookie asked for over the weekend.

First I explained how life insurance worked, and that if I had a heart attack she wouldn't get a dime. She understood.

Then she explained what 'bondage pants' were. I understood.

Then I said "no".

She's annoyed with me, which is only fair since my chest still hurts from that thump-erk! she caused.

Posted by: Ted at 02:40 PM | Comments (40) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 So what ARE bondage pants?

Posted by: Susie at May 26, 2004 05:22 PM (Fs1Nj)

2 Yeah, some of us are too old to get it and don't have teenagers to translate!

Posted by: Nic at May 26, 2004 05:36 PM (16A49)

3 The description I got is that bondage pants have straps and buckles all over them. Then again, Mookie is a teenager, so it's a 50/50 chance she's lying to me.

Posted by: Ted at May 26, 2004 06:07 PM (ZjSa7)

4 What size does she w...I mean, shame, Mookie! SHAME!

Posted by: Victor at May 26, 2004 10:02 PM (bQa9J)

5 http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=208886&RN=136

http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=299501&RN=136

http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=228589&RN=136

Those are what I want...

Posted by: Mookie at May 27, 2004 05:38 AM (ZjSa7)

6 I guess the words "bondage pants" are not what a father wants to hear from his daughter of any age.

They seem kind of, um, impractical and it would be hard to both wear and walk while wearing them. Is that the point?

(Of course, clothes were extremely sensible when we were teens. And the shoes also.)

Posted by: Debbye at May 27, 2004 07:35 AM (2NAsJ)

7 Those don't look so bad.

Posted by: Jennifer at May 27, 2004 10:49 AM (DdBLw)

8 They're not bad at all. But if you don't know what they are, it's a bit of a shocker to hear your daughter ask for them by name.

Posted by: Ted at May 27, 2004 11:04 AM (blNMI)

9 My pants have one strap and one buckle. The two objects together are called a belt.

I leave the significance of that reference to the reader. ;-)

Posted by: McGehee at May 27, 2004 01:31 PM (lGoQn)

10 She's just goading you into blurting out 'Bhurka!', in a sort of induced Tourets moment...

Posted by: Wind RIder at May 27, 2004 02:35 PM (8Pv/P)

11 LOL Wind Rider!!! Then again, I wonder if there'd be a market for tie-dyed Bhurka's. Marketing idea: "Rebel... Just A Little."

Posted by: Ted at May 27, 2004 02:45 PM (blNMI)

12 Isn't a burkha just a sheet used like a Charlie Brown ghost suit with one face hole, instead of two eye holes? Heck, I'll tie-dye a burkha for her!

Posted by: Victor at May 28, 2004 02:04 PM (L3qPK)

13 BONDAGE PANTS ARE GREAT BUT I UNDER STAND THE CONCERN WHEN A DOUGHTER ASK FOR THEM BUY THAT NAME

BUT WELL BONDAGE IS GREAT BUT TO MANY PEOPLE WHERE BONDAGE PANTS THAT WOULD NEVER LIKE TO BE TIED DOWN

Posted by: kiny wanker at June 11, 2004 03:16 PM (Tlo/S)

14 they are just pants. i like them. i like bondage skirts and bondage shirts too. who cares. when i have kids, im not going to like what they wear, so why should my parents like what i wear?

Posted by: whittney at June 14, 2004 12:32 PM (dxXr5)

15 So bondage paints are jeans only with extra ugly added on?

(Yeah, I'm real behind in my blogreading...)

Posted by: Pixy Misa at July 02, 2004 07:18 AM (+S1Ft)

16 Heh heh heh. Rock on Mookie, you picked out the exact pants that i'm currently wearing. I applaud your taste in clothes. Although, as far as father's go, always ask for socks. Then when you earn money, but yourself your own pair of bondage pants to show that they're not THAT bad.

Posted by: Kelly at December 26, 2004 02:25 PM (MI5KX)

17 pirates are awesome

Posted by: ally at March 30, 2005 12:53 PM (BtNfK)

18 nope nope nope, hot topic is another fucking poseur store, those are NOT bondage pants. There are very very interesting bondage pants out there. I have yet to get some leopard. To explain they are mainly plaid with straps connecting from one leg to the other (not strapping them together). Zippers are on them, but only poseurs get the pre-zippered, they can't do it themselves.
You can sew them so they're skin-tight. but, usually fishing wire is used because its too fucking tight it might break a normal thread.
Bondage pants are lovely, and usually not favored by parents. BUT if your kid is asking to get pants from Hot Topic, fuck. let them, there's nothing wrong with dressing like the village idiot (aka poseur).
links to bondage:
INSTRUCTIONS, click on CLOTHING, then on girls bondage pants or guys, whatever you want.
http://aypcart.bizcom2.com/index.cgi

Posted by: skinheadChick at March 31, 2005 10:19 PM (dB0eZ)

19 bondage pants are fucking awesome!

Posted by: brandi at September 10, 2005 11:53 PM (2ypMb)

20 Those aren't exactly "Bondage Pants." Traditionally, bondage pants are tighter, usually with zippers, and have straps that go from one leg to the other. They often come in plaids and other unusual color combinations. I like them better in black. They look like this:

http://www.angryyoungandpoor.com/store/pc/catalog/products/clothes/redpldogpbp.jpg

http://www.angryyoungandpoor.com/store/pc/catalog/products/clothes/blkdogpbp.jpg

Baggier versions of traditional bondage pants are usually not called bondage pants anymore. They're often sold in stores as "Strap Cargo Jeans" or things of that sort. Really, their heritage lies more with JNCO brand jeans than with the bondage pants that surfaced as a fasion trend in late 1970's punk rock.

Posted by: TheJay at November 01, 2005 01:43 PM (GaUNf)

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Final Report – Team America Rocketry Challenge 2004

I’ve rattled on about this for a year now, and last Saturday, May 22, 2004 was the big day. The purpose of TARC is to promote an interest in aerospace sciences and technology fields among students, and in it’s first two years it has been a rousing success.

In the extended entry is a rundown on the whole event, and let me summarize by saying that this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Posted by: Ted at 11:27 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

May 25, 2004

She ain't "riffic" for nothing!

Mookie is the latest (first?) viewer/blogger to be posted on FuseBlog*, and has been invited to submit more posts. They've also added MookieRiffic and Fear Your Future to their blogroll.

In the traditional Munuvian manner: Yay!

*Fuse is a channel that does music videos, kinda like what MTV started out to be. I like 'em too, they rock.

Posted by: Ted at 02:58 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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